sometimes irrationality washes over me. it's so frustrating to look in the mirror and ask, "what is wrong with you?" and not have the answer. i act so strangely. i hate not having an answer when a sincere, "is everything ok?" is asked. i hate it. i feel as though i don't explain myself well. that's so freaking frustrating. i search myself for answers to inquiring eyes. i want to give them so badly, but my lips come out empty.

irrationality. that's usually the answer, but it's a shitty reason. shouldn't i be able to never have that problem? i mean, i acknowledge that it's there, see it happening and feel it approaching, yet i can do nothing to stop it. i can temper it after it's arrived, but i can't shut it out completely. i should have more control than that over myself. i should have an interrupt. i need a remote... universal, which would control all my emotions both happy and sad. a mute button, channel switch and pause are all things that might come in handy.

but, alas... i don't have such a remote. nor do i have understanding, entirely, of my emotions. i hope that it's ok. i know that others won't understand it either, so i'll have to deal with some rejection. some, however, will love me for my flaws. i just hope that i can be one of those people.

it hasn't been all that long, but i feel like i've been living without you for a decade.

Love + Condition = False Love

i will love you when:

-i'm gloriously happy
-you bring me flowers
-you love me
-the sun is shining
-nothing breaks down
-all chores are done
-everything is perfect

i will love you when all conditions are prime and everything is perfect you will have all my love. i will be smiling and happy and everything with seem like heaven. i will love you when those conditions are met.

i will love you when:

-you don't feel well
-i am grumpy
-i can't have all of your attention
-we can't decide on dinner
-you say the wrong thing
-our pasts get in the way
-you forget the milk, don't take out the trash, fall asleep while i'm talking, steal the covers and snore... because you are tired.

i will love you when all of these conditions are met. i will love you all the time. things will never be perfect.

my love knows nothing of fleeting.
my heart knows nothing of conditional.

i will love you:

-always.

i found myself in accidental search of you.

it's good to feel deserving. i don't really know why i ever felt less than worthy. i know i can't have everything i want... but, dammit, i'm getting close. love has always driven me. i've given up a lot of me for things other men wanted or needed. i don't want that to be a condition of someone's love for me again. it's a bit of a catch, though. i mean, i don't want to be expected to sacrifice for someone else and if i don't, be ridiculed for it. and, at the same time, if my lover really is my lover, then he will want to sacrifice for me and, in turn, i'll want to give everything to him. although no sacrifice will be necessary. we'll be gaining so much more than either would lose.

i want to make you so happy... and it's partly a result of how happy you want to make me... how happy you MAKE me. i can't wait until i can get to the business of being blissful with you. i want not to worry about time tables. i want only to be... happy. no need to marry or make public proclamations (although, i want the world to know); i don't think it will be difficult to discern from the outside.

i don't ask Fate questions anymore. i don't care to determine where you came from or where you've been. i only care that you are here. and i want to revel in the present in the future... everyday. i can't wait to get there. i'll keep my patience under control as often as possible. my skin longs to know yours so badly that my fingers explode at the thought of being on your cheek.

/sigh.

soon.

unpublished insecurity

i struggle with insecurity a lot. there are no reasons for this pesky emotion? idea? i'm not sure how it is defined. i'd have to look it up but for the sake of sincerity in this post, i won't until i've concluded it. i've had so much time to do something different... so much wasted time. but, i sit with malcontent in my office glaring at the back of my bosses head. even in a mindless job such as this, i am insecure. i'm focused on the lack of appreciation. i do not know why. why do i care if this man i do not respect... who does not respect me... gives a rat's ass about what i do on my down time? i don't know. insecurity. i need praise even from the weakest of people because he is the only one there to give me that praise.

instead... it's things like this:

Me: (muffled and under my breath cause it wasn't meant for another's ears) "my pants are pissing me off."

Him: "Take 'em off."

SERIOUSLY.

that's not the only example i can give. i have this overwhelming desire need for you to look at me. i'm aware it's not always rational. i'm not sure it will go away. i love the feeling too much. when you look at me, i feel a soft burn. it feel so good and i am satiated. when you look away, i have a sad place in my heart, and i am immediately in need of your attention again. greedy. yes, greedy i am. needy? maybe. i don't know. i'm not angry. just greedy. i want more of what makes me feel good. and you make my heart catch fire; my ribs might melt any moment from the steam rising. i'm not so sure this is insecurity... maybe it's just greediness. who knows. i'm in no place to determine. i do know, it feels crazy wonderful and a bit terrifying. i don't want to ever loose those feelings.

___________________________________________

2/12/09: (i hated this time; i was trying so hard... and i was working toward nothing)

"your heart pulses swiftly,

hidden and discrete."

8/4/09: (i want so exposed at this time.)

"i think i've been free failing for long enough. i've kept my eyes closed and prayed desperately to no one for a soft landing. it doesn't feel as spontaneous and exhilarating as one might think.

i just want to be trusted."

both short posts i've never published. insecurity. i don't know why i was so insecure. i knew the object of my subject would never read them. he never read my writings. he didn't care. maybe that was it? maybe i need him to read because i couldn't tell him how i felt. i know there are more unpublished. some are much longer. more words never said aloud... but said to a blank piece of paper that would not judge or criticize. i think that's key for me... to be able to yell at someone, and not have them yell back.

at any rate, it's just more insecurity. more insecurity that i'd like to overcome some how. i think you'll help me with that... even without trying. with your smoldering stare and generous glances i get a bit to warm me up... keep me company until you get here. i love the way you say, "babe." Gah. I love it.

i.am.bubbling.over.with.excitement.