sometimes irrationality washes over me. it's so frustrating to look in the mirror and ask, "what is wrong with you?" and not have the answer. i act so strangely. i hate not having an answer when a sincere, "is everything ok?" is asked. i hate it. i feel as though i don't explain myself well. that's so freaking frustrating. i search myself for answers to inquiring eyes. i want to give them so badly, but my lips come out empty.

irrationality. that's usually the answer, but it's a shitty reason. shouldn't i be able to never have that problem? i mean, i acknowledge that it's there, see it happening and feel it approaching, yet i can do nothing to stop it. i can temper it after it's arrived, but i can't shut it out completely. i should have more control than that over myself. i should have an interrupt. i need a remote... universal, which would control all my emotions both happy and sad. a mute button, channel switch and pause are all things that might come in handy.

but, alas... i don't have such a remote. nor do i have understanding, entirely, of my emotions. i hope that it's ok. i know that others won't understand it either, so i'll have to deal with some rejection. some, however, will love me for my flaws. i just hope that i can be one of those people.