i struggle with insecurity a lot. there are no reasons for this pesky emotion? idea? i'm not sure how it is defined. i'd have to look it up but for the sake of sincerity in this post, i won't until i've concluded it. i've had so much time to do something different... so much wasted time. but, i sit with malcontent in my office glaring at the back of my bosses head. even in a mindless job such as this, i am insecure. i'm focused on the lack of appreciation. i do not know why. why do i care if this man i do not respect... who does not respect me... gives a rat's ass about what i do on my down time? i don't know. insecurity. i need praise even from the weakest of people because he is the only one there to give me that praise.
instead... it's things like this:
Me: (muffled and under my breath cause it wasn't meant for another's ears) "my pants are pissing me off."
Him: "Take 'em off."
SERIOUSLY.
that's not the only example i can give. i have this overwhelming desire need for you to look at me. i'm aware it's not always rational. i'm not sure it will go away. i love the feeling too much. when you look at me, i feel a soft burn. it feel so good and i am satiated. when you look away, i have a sad place in my heart, and i am immediately in need of your attention again. greedy. yes, greedy i am. needy? maybe. i don't know. i'm not angry. just greedy. i want more of what makes me feel good. and you make my heart catch fire; my ribs might melt any moment from the steam rising. i'm not so sure this is insecurity... maybe it's just greediness. who knows. i'm in no place to determine. i do know, it feels crazy wonderful and a bit terrifying. i don't want to ever loose those feelings.
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2/12/09: (i hated this time; i was trying so hard... and i was working toward nothing)
"your heart pulses swiftly,
hidden and discrete."
"i think i've been free failing for long enough. i've kept my eyes closed and prayed desperately to no one for a soft landing. it doesn't feel as spontaneous and exhilarating as one might think.
i just want to be trusted."
i just want to be trusted."
both short posts i've never published. insecurity. i don't know why i was so insecure. i knew the object of my subject would never read them. he never read my writings. he didn't care. maybe that was it? maybe i need him to read because i couldn't tell him how i felt. i know there are more unpublished. some are much longer. more words never said aloud... but said to a blank piece of paper that would not judge or criticize. i think that's key for me... to be able to yell at someone, and not have them yell back.
at any rate, it's just more insecurity. more insecurity that i'd like to overcome some how. i think you'll help me with that... even without trying. with your smoldering stare and generous glances i get a bit to warm me up... keep me company until you get here. i love the way you say, "babe." Gah. I love it.
i.am.bubbling.over.with.excitement.
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