dirty deeds

sometimes i question my integrity. i wonder about my intentions. i think... rethink. i can see every conversation, interaction, or moment play in my head before its happening. i know... at times... i want the wrong things... i should not be allowed.

often i doubt other's intentions. i'm certain i am less than perfect, but am most certain i am more honorable than most. but, doubt is an unpleasant condition... and certainty is absurd, right? have you nothing to say at our indiscretions?!

you are not the man i thought.

my eyes are naked.
drenched in salty guilt.
remorse forced latent.
my rusty eyelids wilt.

unsavory decisions
restless on my hands,
with torrid concessions
undulating barren lands.

a lack of guidance
brought me here.
shaved conscience
holds me near.

your hands washed clean
for fickle drains to fill.
and your eye sight beams.
present faded into past will.

my eyes are naked. and your hands are clean.

in some ways... i'm jealous. in some ways i'd like to glower at guilt. yet, the inconsolable guilt in my stomach keeps me real. it keeps me human. i do not need your god for it. i do not need to know consequence to know a dirty deed.

i try... i try to be a good person all on my own. god's help is not required.

so... yeah.