broken hearts and beaten paths

i think i want a broken heart. i desire the pain. i think... maybe in some twisted way, it will bring me back to life. i want something so awesome as love. i want it. i'm terrified of its brilliant power, but i want it. i need it. i need to know the cob webs round my heart haven't trapped my ability to open. i hope someonee can scale them, with some effort. also, i'm pretty sure i'll be slicing silken thread from the inside. it's been there nearly a decade. it's caused so much distress. my face is flushed and my eyes salty wet with thoughts of love's existence vanishing entirely. i couldn't stand it. i have too much life to live to shut everyone out. i have to move on. i have to find me in me again if i'm to see my reflection in another.

i'm pretty sure... i'll forever grow. i learn from everyone around and am grateful for their being in my life, their input, and concern for me. i'm lucky. i'm a very lucky girl. i've got friend's who'd name the stars for me. that's amazing, right? right. it seems unfair... greedy to seek more. yet, i lack an essential need so desired its ever growing prevalence in my thoughts is making it more difficult by the second to suppress.

i don't want to give myself away with a look.

just a hint.

a touch should not force my skin from me.

just burn, a little.

i don't want a kiss to disarm me.

just weakened.

i am such a liar. i want to be beaten down stupid crazy retarded in love.

i want those same irrational feelings returned. i don't want to give or receive a half-hearted effort. i deserve an entire heart. and, i'd still only house one in me. i'd have given mine completely. i don't want over analytical love... i want mindless sweet action.

the "about me" section of this life will forever grow and adapt. all the while, i'll stay lost in convoluted memories and misguided intentions.

i'll pretend none of this happened. i'll go about life lacking. it's sad. i want so much more. i need... i ache for it. the tips of my fingers beat the keys with delicate clicks throbbing more and more with every stroke... as does the rest of my sullen sulking body.

blah.