my favorite place

Dearest Sunset,

I've watched you an uncountable amount of evenings. I've seen your golden rays strike the mountains with easeful force; eavesdropped while clouds loom over your misleadingly large setting star in anticipation of the approaching night; and missed your shades of grey transform black, while blinking. Your light rays dart out crossing each valley and hurdling every hill and impale my hair a shimmering-red, bringing out the true nature of a person's inner color, boring past all inadequacies, divulging ones splendor bounding about for all to view. I sigh savoring pink clouds as they linger till darkness befalls them and day embeds into night.

Despite any disappointment, I wish upon your descent, though its use may prove innocuous; though my dreams are abused and incessant, continually I will hope. Countless are the hours spent absorbing this radiance. Immeasurable is the worth of these hours. Fragile is this privilege in which I find myself, repeatedly: Sacred solitude resting silently in Gods' embrace. No such light may equal the quaking in my heart. Closer to the divine, for me, is impossible. I devote my faith to the God of Sky, Usher of Light, Nurturer of Time, Provider of Life, and so much more. I haven't capacity for all your sublime immensity.

Many blessings are received, most know it not. My true love shall rest in your eyes, ablaze in richness. Spoken words are dispensable; written words are causeless; and prayers redundant. For you, you see past all pre-disposed dispositions; all counterfeit condolences; and all random rambling. I can feel your hand touch my day-mares, thoughts, and longings that I may hunger. i need not want. Thank you seems inadequate and barren. I am now, and will always remain a faithful apostle of your Nature. Much appreciation extended to my esteemed deity.

In short: You are my Sky.

Sincerely full of your Grace,

Estell R. Breeze

fuck off

the pain in my forehead seems defining... a reflection, if you will. if i focus, i can feel each throb of my heart pump blood to my brain. it hurts something ugly. a vein attempts to protrude through the skin. if i focus... on something else, anything else... distract myself, it's merely dulling. always there, however minuet. i can mask it with pills... drugs, alcohol, sex. it's still there. reminding me of things past... reminding me where i was, am, and will be going. for now, though... i'll spend endless amounts of effort destroying it. telling my headache to "fuck off". i don't need you except for to leave. i'm tortured enough inside my own thought. its presence is not appreciated. unwelcome. resented, even. i'm alive and writhing in pain at any given moment... so fuck off. quit lingering. loitering. lasting. fuck off already. i mean really. come back on a morning when i'm well equipped. not at my weakest when i'm naked. unarmed. you fucking sneaky bastard. fuck off. leave me in my wallowing. i'm sure to yell at you later. you know i'll visit this place again. i frequent your domain. i send myself there with each drip of liquor or wine... with each flirtation... with each stare i give. with each kiss i hand out. with each graze of skin. i'll be back... don't worry... just fuck off for now. please.

once i get what i need.. i need more of it.
i'm greedy.
oh yes, greedy.

the hands that touch me are generous.
generous
with delicate strokes down my back
and stinging slaps on my backside.

i would willingly do anything
they asked of me. anything.
they need only point me in their desired direction.

they are never angry and
never curse.

they are rough...
but tender in their enthusiasm.
i trust them to bruise me gently.
and softly caress my passionate wounds after.

they make promises. they keep promises.
never judging. only pleasing.
they are welcome to spend the day exploring... anywhere.
tease tickle touch. stroke slap sting.

the hands that touch me are generous. generous in their pleasing.

fuck your punctuation

this is such a shaky broken path i am on. the cobblestones are cracked. i keep tripping. weeds grow between the cracks... a hindrance. so many obstacles. just to get where i once was. i'm uncertain how i got here. i can't remember how i turned on this street. i remember setting my blinker... but i thought for sure i would just drive past. i thought for sure i'd make the right decisions. i never let anyone know me. especially myself. i have no idea how this person overcame me. i apparently, don't know much. it's a shame. i'm not unintelligent. i'm just lost.

this i don't deserve.

All I Need- Bart Crow Band

Well, I can feel your heartbeat when your lying by my side
I can see forever when I look into your eyes
Each day beside you, girl you take my breath away
Right here in your arms is where I wanna stay

It's the way that you look girl
When you're reading late at night
It's the way that your body feels
When you're lying by my side
A love like ours, it can't be built in a million dreams

It's just you and me and girl, you're all I need
Watching you walk inyeah, you're dancing through your world
Got your heart on my hands 'cause you're daddy's bittle girl
Baby, I've loved you from our very first hello

At first, you stole my heart, baby, here's my soul
It's the way that you look girl
When you're readying late at night
It's the way that your body feels

When you're lying by my side
A love like ours, it can't be built in a million dreams
It's just you and me and girl, you're all I need
I never knew love could be so sweet
I never knew, girl, that you could love me
But I'll spend each day just to make your dreams come true
'Cause it's just you and me
Baby, it's me and you

It's the way that you look girl
When you're reading late at night
It's the way that your body feels
When you're lying by my side
A love like ours, it can't be built in a million dreams

It's just you and me and girl, you're all I need
It's just you and me, baby
It's you and me, darlin
'its you and me and girl your all i need

new things

this... is this. this is simple. i type... you read. it doesn't get easier. i can write endlessly. if only it would always stay simple. i'll close the monitor, and a million feelings rush back. a million feelings... fears... terrors even, hit me. hard. a year is a long time. maybe i'll figure this out. maybe i will. maybe i'll know where i'll go. maybe i'll drift. i'll be a drifter... ha a female drifter. i may have to learn to play the guitar. i wonder how i'll finance it? free lance? free lance, what... is an appropriate question. we'll see.

sounds about right

my desire consists of one thing

i can still smell you
on my hands
in my hair

my nipples ache
from your mouth
on me

i can still feel you
gripped in my hand
stiff and firm

i can still hear you
i get anxious
very anxious
when you whine

i want you more
i want to lay naked
run your rough hands up my sides
grip my hip bones
slap my ass if
you wish

please...
under the stars,
make me plead for it...

you know exactly what i want. i've expressed it several times. it's clear. what do you want? it's part of my desire... to know. eloquence is not required. simple sentences will suffice. you can whisper it... i'll listen closely, i promise. i'll close my eyes... breathe deep, and listen. then act. simple requests. only kind i have. keep a secret and ravage me. your only tasks. ravage me. ravage me. ravage me.

i could spend a year writing these. i could spend more than a year. will i exhaust myself? that's one to ponder. i'm dangling on the brink of danger... playing with the flames of hell. it's exciting... and yet i'm fearful. change is scary. will i breathe on my own? will i suffocate? i'm underground. will i spend my life trying to surface? i'm suffocating now. i can't look back on my life and wonder which part belonged to me. i can't. i need it all to belong to me. my selfishness needs it. must have it. must. i'm sure to learn the most of myself in a crisis. tragedy becomes me, i think. but... does poor decision making define me? not sure.

i am sure, however, i can't spend the rest of my life not saying what i need to say. and what i need to say... right now... is... more... harder... more... harder. and... i need to scream. from a mountain... as loud as i can. i'll do anything for freedom... i'll do anything for anything.

"All emotions are pure which gather you and lift you up; that emotion is impure which seizes only one side of your being and so distorts you."
Rainer Maria Rilke

interesting.

when i get what i want i don't want it

i hate that about myself. i wanted to be accepted by a certain someone. now that i am, i'll probably be destroying that relationship. i guess i better enjoy it now, eh? yea. shit. i could, and probably will, spend my whole life searching for someone else... i know i'll never find it, but i have to try, right? can't be 50 and just starting out... better to be 30. i guess.

30... holy crap. that's way older than i ever thought i'd make it. i was sure i'd die young in some tragic accident. i still can't see myself at 40, though. no. can't. i tried again just now. it doesn't work. maybe, some horrible writing accident.... like i keep licking the end of my quill and it turns out to be poison. i'll write a few brilliant lines, and right in the middle of the most profound thing i'll ever write, i kick it. the literature world will spend decades trying to predict what my next word would have been. that would be awesome. i'd have to make a trip back from hell to check on their progress every 100 years... or so.

like i'd be so fortunate.... really though... good writers are generally a bit nutty. i want to be a great writer. i guess that means i'll have to lose my mind someday. maybe then i won't care about sex and money and material things. all i'll need are my notebooks and a gun (cause i'll be crazy and think people are after me... don't worry, i'm sure it won't be loaded)... oh a pen too... even a pencil, though i don't like to erase what i write. if i write it, it was for a reason. so... i guess you're lucky if you are a shitty writer... you won't go crazy.

so... yea.

patience

i think i'm going to resist you

though i want to lay on you naked

you shouldn't have this sort of control

i'm taking some back

though i want your mouth on mine

and other places

but i think it's wise

to battle my urges

for as long as is possible

i'd like to make you want me

i'd like to see you squirm and tremble

though i want you to take me

i've already taken myself

many

times

so i'll abstain

and see if your sense of touch catches fire

i'll wait.