I have always felt watched.  Is that narcissistic?  Maybe.  

But, look, I am 5’10”, taller than the average height of a man in the USA.  I grew up pretty lanky.  The unusual tends to get noticed.  Tall lanky girl falls into the category of unusual.  I have always attracted attention.

At a young age I learned to avoid eye contact with men. I learned eye contact equaled encouragement.  Encouragement equaled unwanted engagement that I then had to “politely” worm my way out of, often risking getting called a bitch for not being receptive to “compliments.” 

In senior year of high school, I “earned” (was given) the nickname “hooters”.  Overnight, my breasts seemed to grow a cup size.  Hormones.  Everyone was fueled by hormones.  A boy who claimed to really like me, shouted “BOOBS” in the hallways just 2 or 3 times, which quickly turned into “Hooters”.  For two semesters I was “Hooters” to most of the popular boys.

I didn’t know how to feel about it.  It was mostly presented as a positive thing.  So I felt super awkward and obligated to “be a good sport.”  I felt obligated to be “polite”.  

Girls are polite.  It’s not ladylike to cause trouble.   Be ladylike.  But not too girly.  Also don’t be like “most girls”.   “Most girls” are lame.  They are so full of drama, and nag all the time.  All they like is makeup.  Don’t wear a lot but ffs wear SOME.  “Most girls” are so bitchy.  Don’t be like them.  Also don’t be friends with any “girls like that”.  But be willing to have sex and like it.  But not too much.  Don’t be “that kind of girl”.  You can easily drop me to date one of those “most girls”. 

That was the theme of my generation. 

GEE WHY DO WE ALL FUCKING HAVE ANXIETY?!

I am still dealing with all that trauma.  So, what the fuck can you possibly have for me?