Last February, "a thing" happened that both triggered unresolved emotions from an old trauma (I didn't realize at the time), and damaged the confidence that was once so strong between us.  After feeling rejected by that event, and all the passive ways I attempted to ask for what I needed left me denied and progressively less contented.  Because my small requests were only an echo of what I needed, and I was scared and in love, I stopped advocating for myself.  I thought needing nothing was a good thing.  I thought having needs made me weak.

With that and all the other things going on around me and to those I love, I was just trying to survive.  Running was the only thing I could really control, so I was pouring all my energy in to that.  Beyond a healthy diet and exercise, self-care became non-existent.  I was reactionary, and lacked compassion for myself.  I was hard on him.  I believe he tried to show me love, though he did it in his own way, not the way I need/ed/asked for to be loved.

I'm not taking all the "blame" or anything, just owning what's mine.  He has plenty of his own responsibility to take, but that doesn't matter to me now.

Lots of things happened over the year between us.  It really was just a shit year.  After starting couples counseling together, I knew I needed some solo help digging out of the emotional hole I was buried in.  So, I sought it out, and it always gets worse before it gets better.  One month of therapy and I was an open wound, desperate for antiseptic in the form of answers.  Crying a lot. Two months of therapy and one month of meditation, I have a lot more clarity.  Those answers are now becoming clearer as I explore them and much much more.

I still loved him and wanted us to work, but a breakup email is cruel and telling.  Some other things have come to my attention that change things in a way I never expected.  He's not actually the love of my life.

I am forever growing.  I am solid and tall standing.  Match me or get the fuck out of my way.