Bi-Polar Heart

Sometimes, I drive down the road with all the windows down. I sing to fun jams until my throat hurts, and I'm completely out of breath. I feel so happy with the warm breeze tossing my bangs around, or the cold air stiffening my nose and heat on my feet. I smile, sigh heavily, and feel as though all is well.

Sometimes, I drive down the road, and I can't stand to have the wind in my face pelting me with strong gusts that jet my hair into my eyes. I hum solemnly to slow sad angsty modern-day poets. I can't find the right temperature on my heat or A/C. I'm uncomfortable, crumple my brow, sigh heavily, and feel absolutely lost.

I don't quite understand the disconnect experienced in the space between the two paragraphs above. The emotion, yes... the emotion is exact opposite in each. But, why? Where does this bi-polar heart originate? It's this behavior that concerns me. Will I always be a roller coaster? How am I to be loved if I can't even answer, "what's wrong?" Would I love that girl? Well, I think I love me, so maybe the answer to that is, "Conditionally."

Tonight, as I drove home, it was the former. I was smiling and laughing at my terrible singing. I don't know what's more important... having more evenings with this feeling or more consistency. I think consistency would be nice. I confuse me. This is not a good sign. I confuse everyone; someone has to have clarity on the issue of "me". It has to BE me. Being me is really getting on my nerves. I just want happy, and I want it more often than, not equal to, sullen.

I don't want to be a sullen wilted girl.