i was driving yesterday in the rain. i was thinking of the new direction my life is headed, and the other places it's been. i've spent a lot of time with people who didn't share the same goals as i. some have had goals of career and self growth. things like appearance, travel and position were more important to them. i was labeled as "unambitious". but, my ambition is focused in another, more important area of life... LOVE. how pointless would a trip to Italy or Peru seem if you had no one with which to share it and no one to tell your stories with you? how silly would your fortune be if you lived in a house not full of family, but servants? how foolish to rely on your looks... when they fade.

LOVE. this is where i will succeed. i will build a mountain of it and be rich. i won't swim in one hundred dollar bills, but soak in bubble bathes of kisses. i will be the more fortunate one.

and, finally, i've found someone who feels the same. so, i drove down the road listening to the rain hit the window and thought of all the mistakes i've made that led me astray... it hit me. this is always where i've been headed. i wasn't ready yet. i just took the route of lessons because i had to learn a few before i could be ready. i'm ready now.

disrespect. i feel it far too often. the vanity that people have is so disgraceful and pitiful. i am not above this vanity. i feel it at times too, and i also feel the shame that should and does accompany it. i believe i'm worthy of respect in this work place, yet i do not get it. the balance of work is so far off. how frustrating.

i do have a consolation prize however... i'm out of here in 28 days. in 28 days i get to tell them, "peace out bitches." and, here's the vain and selfish part... pieces of me will get some morbid satisfaction knowing my office will fall to pieces as soon as i've left the threshold of the building for the last time. some pieces... mostly, however, i truly hope that someone with some very large feet can fill these shoes. i don't want it to fall apart. i don't want them to fail. i just want them to know that they'd taken me for granted. that's a silly desire... but it still exists.

and, on a completely different note... i'm in a terrible state of missing today. i can't get out of it. it's definitely got my cranky level up. the rain and my lack of desire to do any work is making the days drag. i want my love now. i do not wish to wait, but i know he's worth it. i feel like i'm just sitting around waiting for my new life to begin.

you know what's the most tragic part of not believing in god? knowing that in the end, all you have is your memories. all you have left when you die is knowledge of your own actions. there is no god left to judge you. understanding that and really putting it into perspective is damn near devastating, which i suppose, is why many feel the need to believe in god. i will not fall prey to this safety net. the only one left after i'm gone to judge me will be me, if i even have any sort of consciousness.

i have little fits sometimes. i burst into tears. they are currently streaming the mascara down my cheeks. these little moments of feeling like i'm the only one who knows me are so fucking terrifying. i type it out, scream it out, sometimes, and cry it out. in the end i force myself to see that it's ok if that's how it ends up. afterall, everyone can say what they want about me and in the end, i'll know which rumor is truth. i know that i have to trust that i present myself as me and that i like me. other people may not, but i do. i know a few other people that also like me.i also know that some people may not see the same person i see in the mirror. but, that's to be expected, right? i mean... no one knows what it's like when i'm alone. no one knows if i pick my nose or fart loudly. no one. so, it would be impossible for anyone to know my true intentions. i can only try to convey them and i am saddened if they are misread. but, i can't force it.

even though i do not have my own god to judge me at my death, i am my own judge. i am my own jury and i know how i've conducted myself. i know the things of which i'm regretful and proud. i know the person i need to be even though i do not have consequence hanging over my head. i answer for my sins only to me.

i won't let someone else make me a monster. i won't let you get me to hate. so, i will try to listen to my mother when she told me, "You can't worry about what other people think." she is wise indeed.