Thursday, February 4, 2010

you know what's the most tragic part of not believing in god? knowing that in the end, all you have is your memories. all you have left when you die is knowledge of your own actions. there is no god left to judge you. understanding that and really putting it into perspective is damn near devastating, which i suppose, is why many feel the need to believe in god. i will not fall prey to this safety net. the only one left after i'm gone to judge me will be me, if i even have any sort of consciousness.

i have little fits sometimes. i burst into tears. they are currently streaming the mascara down my cheeks. these little moments of feeling like i'm the only one who knows me are so fucking terrifying. i type it out, scream it out, sometimes, and cry it out. in the end i force myself to see that it's ok if that's how it ends up. afterall, everyone can say what they want about me and in the end, i'll know which rumor is truth. i know that i have to trust that i present myself as me and that i like me. other people may not, but i do. i know a few other people that also like me.i also know that some people may not see the same person i see in the mirror. but, that's to be expected, right? i mean... no one knows what it's like when i'm alone. no one knows if i pick my nose or fart loudly. no one. so, it would be impossible for anyone to know my true intentions. i can only try to convey them and i am saddened if they are misread. but, i can't force it.

even though i do not have my own god to judge me at my death, i am my own judge. i am my own jury and i know how i've conducted myself. i know the things of which i'm regretful and proud. i know the person i need to be even though i do not have consequence hanging over my head. i answer for my sins only to me.

i won't let someone else make me a monster. i won't let you get me to hate. so, i will try to listen to my mother when she told me, "You can't worry about what other people think." she is wise indeed.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Amen! Good. God. This was intense. You’re a perfectness at heart aren’t you? Judging yourself harder than any God may.

memories mysterious said...

I'm curious who you are Anonymous.