potential requires opportunity

i am breathing heavily, and the sighs are often... impressive and beautiful is potential. there is so much possibility in potential. my skin sighs as i imagine the possibility. with every inhale i'm more excited, yet slightly distraught with my exhales. they are long, drawn out... as is this possibility. it can be productive or destructive. it's resting in the hands of no one. it's difficult to control. uncontrollably. infinite. possibility.

potential requires opportunity. i want the excitement that comes with potential. and the tenderness that comes with opportunity. i want so many things. i'm greedy. i'm slightly needy.
timing. it's really all about timing. i grow impatient with possibility. it's result is slower than i'd prefer. i want things now. i want to live in the now... but, possibility leaves me waiting for tomorrow constantly. constantly. i try diligently to control my anxiety. but, there are times when my skin is on fire and i can't sit still. i pace. my mind paces. and when satisfaction comes... i want more of it. i'm satisfied with constant satisfaction. does that mean i'm never pleased? definitely not. it means i want more of what i'm getting. i think i've said before... that's the point. to want more and more of this one thing that makes me happy. if i stop wanting it then it's time to leave. i want the pain in my cheeks that comes from a permanent smile.

i want i want i want... but, what do you want? as always, it's part of my desire to know.
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i don't believe in fate. i don't believe that a path has been laid for me. i wouldn't be comfortable with the lack of control that denotes. so, if i have no path, i'm much like a shooting star. life is much like that. a human being is beautiful... we are born from elements. we shine and shimmer and have our glory. we crash beautifully to the ground in a blaze without direction. so, "all we are, are shooting stars.." then, "love and tenderness" are priority. emotions and actions that cause joy to us and their chosen targets. how important? to feel real joy. real love. to give it in return, another wonder not to be neglected or taken for granted.

i'm rambling.

Shooting Stars- Edwin McCain

Maybe this life is just about love and tenderness
If all we are are shooting stars

We keep our love in a plain brown box
We keep it tied with a simple lock
We hold it close 'cause it's all we got
You'd think it's ordinary but it's not

In a world that's starting to fade
A little love could pave the way
Don't keep it tied with the simple lock
You'd think it's ordinary but it's not

Maybe this life is just about love and tenderness
If all we are are shooting stars
Maybe we, we can fight
All of this pain and loneliness if
All we are are shooting stars

Tired of hearing 'bout the bling-bling
We're so concerned with material things
It's all cars and diamond rings
And do you think it's gonna to ease your sting

Cause that's a hole that you can't fill
Velvet rope overkill
Free your mind let your heart sing
And just remember that they're only things...

Maybe this life is just about love and tenderness
If all we are are shooting stars
Maybe we, we can fight
All of this pain and loneliness if
All we are are shooting stars

I used to live by the minutes
I was too blind to see
Now I've found the strength to admit it
Now it's all I believe
Please

Maybe this life is just about love and tenderness
If all we are are shooting stars
Maybe we, we can fight
All of this pain and loneliness if
All we are are shooting stars

sleep is evil

sleep. sleep eludes me on numerous occasions. i can never seem to get there no matter how tired i am. i spend about 30 minutes tweaking a play list... then, another ten arranging the pillows to where it doesn't feel like i'm alone. then, my mind starts to do forceful dreaming or awake dream as i like to call it. i go through so my different scenarios. sometimes i think about awful things and i'm not certain the reason. this can last an hour or more. then, if i finally do fall asleep, my mind is forced into dreams i can't control. sometimes they wake me. sometimes they confuse me even more. sometimes they wake me and i don't remember them... just that i wanted to be out of them. so if they wake me this whole cycle starts again!!! GAH! i just need some rest.

i don't get enough rest.

he carries his tears in a bucket.
careful not to splash it.
it's heavy. it's weighed him down.
but, he won't share the burden.
he's prideful.
he is alone.
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Del Amitri- Tell Her This

Tell her not to go
I ain't holding on no more
Tell her something in my mind freezes up from time to time

Tell her not to cry
I just got scared that's all
Tell her I'll be by her side, all she has to do is call
All she has to do is call

Tell her the chips are down
I drank too much and shouted it aloud
Tell her something in my heart
Needs her more than even clowns need the laughter of the crowd

Tell her what was wrong
I sometimes think to much
But say nothing at all
And tell her from this high terrain, I am ready now to fall
I am ready now to fall

Tell her not to go
I ain't holding on no more
Tell her nothing if not this; all I want to do is kiss her

Tell her something in my mind
Freezes up from time to time.

i want, so bad, for someone to be crazy about me. i deserve, don't i? is this worth waiting for? does he love me? is he CRAZY about me? i want to know what he feels like. i want to feel what it's like when someone is all about you... crazy for you... can't wait to talk to you, see you, hug you... i want to know what that's like. i wanna feel it.

if he's not crazy about me... then what the fuck am i doing?