is it me? i wonder? have i pushed them away? if i have... i wish someone would tell me. it will only get worse in silence. . . inaction is negative action. i can't stress that enough. it's true. i think if you sit back in that chair of yours, remove your hand from the mouse and ponder the thought, you'll come to the conclusion... that i'm right. i like to be aware of my inadequacies and maybe i can compensate for them. i'm quite reasonable. i can't fix or change anything unless i'm aware. it's just a fact. don't fucking mad at me for something i don't know i'm doing. i don't want to hurt those i care about. i don't want to upset them. i don't. i fucking don't. i'm getting more and more upset with each letter i bang out on the keyboard... at 70 wpm.... that's quite angry.

it makes me want to cry... thinking of the relationships that could have been saved by communication. friends, boyfriends, family... even work relationships. the wall around me is high. the barb wire strong. the guards relentless. but, when you are let in... i am hospitable. i try to be anyway.. i think that is all that can be expected of anyone... EFFORT. without effort nothing is possible.

then again... if the same result is not desired... well, wait... i was going to say that no effort is required. but, if i want something i'm going to go after it and i'm a demanding and pushy bitch so it's going to take effort to deflect me. so yea... it's even impossible to ignore me without effort. humph. so there you have it... tell me i'm wrong and i swear, if i care about you, i'll try to fix it. i'll try to repair anything that i am capable of mending. i will. because, i want to. 

fuck.

relationship fail

it's fairly typical, i guess, to be content in one area and completely restless in another of life.

"i just want you to be happy." people do not mean that shit. it's just something they say.

if you're happy... someone will resent you for it. someone will not be happy for you. i have not changed. i am still there for you. you are absent... your avoidance stings.

fuck.

it seems to me... that the older i get, the more confused i am. i spent much more effort on figuring things out. when i was young, i really thought i had it figured out... like most i guess. i didn't have shit figured out... but i was rarely confused. rather, i was extremely accepting of a down pouring pain. a blanket of undeserving torture upon me, but, i was ok with it... now life isn't nearly as simple. i have much figured out. i am well adjusted, i think. i know a lot about who i'm going to be... who i want to be. but, i fret over everything. i'm more confused now than i was 10 years ago. that seems so unfair. . . even that i try to analyze. that i want to know. i want to know everything. i want to hear everything. i am greedy. i want to be satisfied... but, i don't even know what that entails. ha. 

what i know...

forever i grow and adapt. forever i am confused. forever i am learning. eh. 

what i promise...

i'll settle on progress... i'll wait on the wind. i'll put out my thumb and highjack love. i'll be patient in life.

what i need...

... to be exactly who i am. 

what i want...

you.

we are not perfect

i have a bad habit of getting down on myself. i beat me up when i am not perfect. i've always felt pressure to be perfect... it's self-imposed but, i tend to blame others for it. it's not right.


it's so comforting to know... i don't have to be perfect. i can be flawed and loved all at the same time. it's relieving. it's soft and gratifying. i can make a mistake and have it be forgiven. the hardest part is... forgiving myself. i'll get there. i will. it's also awesome to know that when i'm most appreciated when i am myself.

when i am me, i'm happy.

No doubt a person living happy with only one heart lacks oxygen to the appropriate parts of the brain...

This song... says everything.

Say Anything- Edwin McCain

Say anything, save everything
If we say nothing this love will die
Give me just one word, you can scream or whisper
If you want to stay with me, tell me why
Say anything

It's not that the words aren't there but they'd only fail my emotions
Just want to feel this way without chaining you down to some old cliche
You want water in my hands and we stand waist deep in the ocean
It's bigger than the sea, it won't let me

Say just anything, because I feel everything
I'd rather say nothing than the same old lines
I think I give you more, something there's no words for
You don't have to hear me to feel me trying
To say anything

Baby I know you try but somtimes I still want to hear it
Even when the waters calm but lately it's just when there's something wrong
Why can't we splash around and hold on to that playful spirit
Oh like we used to do and won't you

Say anything, save everything
If we say nothing this love will die
Give me just one word, you can scream or whisper
If you want to stay with me tell me why
Say anything

This love is true
Even if you call it by a different name
And it's still the same, so we'll

Say anything, feel everything
I want to be with you so this love can fly
We'll hang on every word and we'll scream, we'll whisper
This moment is waiting for you and I
Say anything
Say anything

i think of myself as observant. it can be looked at as a character flaw or good trait.

i notice a lot. i notice if someone needs help opening a door because they may have their hands full. i offer to help when i know someon i care about needs it. i'm thoughtful. i can tell when someone has had a bad day. i am a good friend. i think. i hope. i only try to get better. if i know i've upset someone, i will do what's in me to make it right... even when i don't understand it.

i read body language. i read inaction... as negative action. i over extend myself. i offer too much, probably. it's in my nature to take on a care taking roll. i don't like it. i really don't. however, it makes me happy to be helpful. at the same time, i tend to resent other's for my helpfulness. which, i know, is a flaw. it's not healthy... and completely unfair. i wouldn't do it... if i didn't expect some of the same treatment in return. treat others how you'd want to be treated... and so on. so, resentment tends to boil from a lack of consideration shown to me. i hope i learn from it.

maybe one day, i'll feel like i can walk next to someone. and not behind or in front of them. maybe one day, i'll feel equal. maybe one day i won't feel broken. maybe i'll always be broken. but, maybe i'll live with it. maybe. maybe there will always be maybes. there will always be unknowns. i can't know everything... can i? sheesh... then, if i did, i'd never be surprised. everything would be boring. no excitement.

broken smiles
can't disguise,
hardened lines
round my eyes.

a worn cheek here,
tattered glance there.
it reads like a novel
leaving you bare.

don't give a false smile to anyone. don't fake it. don't fake it or you're stuck faking it. just like sex. don't fool someone into thinking what they are doing is good... if it's not. they'll keep it up... and you'll be unsatisfied. and, you won't have reason to complain. no. it's like not voting. don't like obama? did you vote? then shut the fuck up.

man that was random and completely unorganized.

- sunshineface

i don't know how to put it... but that one word... that's not actually a word slows my heart beat, turns my mouth up at the corners and ... fills my veins with warm contentment. i don't know how to tell you that. i can only put it here. i can only let you read it at your leisure. i'm restless a lot and that's not your doing. i'm restless but, words like that from you settle me a bit. they make me happy.

i'll rest in quiet contemplation for the riot in my stomach to subside... i'll wait for you ... to be you on your terms. i'll try not to pull. pulling is pushing's equivalent. i'll focus on what i do hear... rather than what i don't. i'll hit publish. and, i'll just be happy. =)

loneliness

lonely... a feeling? does that make it a noun? can i touch or see it? no... i can't even hear that bitch coming. it's elusive and sneaky. lonely is when there isn't anyone to count on. lonely is terrifying. it's screaming quiet in my head. it's a deadly sin if ignored. it's like harboring a criminal if dwelled upon. it's at its worst when it creeps upon me when i'm with those i care about... most. i'm with them and i can't seem to enjoy it because i'm desperate to fill a void... that only i can fill but, if they could see, my eyes seek out their filling. i know... i know... it's the recipe of failure... i know... but, how do i change it? how to i replace it with contentment? how do i exhale? i can't even do that without a mist growing in my tear ducts. i hate that... i hate being a fucking girl all the time. i want to just be... nothing more. content. i just want to be content. and, i am... mostly. that's good.... right? why should i be so greedy as to expect more? because i want it. i guess i'm just greedy... maybe... just maybe... one day i'll be lucky.

the warmth of your arms is swelling.

but, the distraction in your eyes

leaves me wasted on dwelling.

broken heart?

i think i might have a broken heart. no. a boy did not brake it. i think... it's disappointment. it's reality. it's high expectation and low delivery. i officially have lost my innocence. hope is broken... not my hope... just hope as an idea. i might have a broken heart. i think life has broken it. i can feel it swell and throb with my over active emotions. i can feel its aching... its misery. i can smell the burning. i hate... its sensitive nature. i hate its weakness. i'm not sure how to heal it. i don't have a patch or potion. it's not so easy. my strength weakens with misunderstanding... my eyes bleed from suspicion. i hate it. a wailing here a sniffling there... does nothing to mend anything. clear tears fall on my hot skin... with no cooling effects.

does everyone living have a broken heart? is that too romanticised a notion? is it too gloomy? is it too real... maybe. maybe the slow beat that is my norm has caught up with me. maybe i really need an increase in blood pressure... maybe i need some surprise. less disappointment... more life... less... lost love. but, to be alive is to live with regret and disappointment and hope that there is more good than bad... is that accurate? i don't know for certain.

the only thing i know for sure is that i am alone in my inner battle. i'm the only freedom fighter. i'm the only loyalist. i'm battling myself. i'm losing either way. or winning. i'm the only one on the planet that can control any of it. i'm the only one who understands me... even if it is just a little.

i'm a... lone.

Taylor Swift- You're Not Sorry

All this time I was wasting,
Hoping you would come around
I've been giving out chances every time
And all you do is let me down
And it's taking me this long
Baby but I figured you out
And you're thinking we'll be fine again,
But not this time around

You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did - before
You're not sorry, no no ohhh

Looking so innocent,
I might believe you if I didn't know
Could've loved you all my life
If you hadn't left me waiting in the cold
And you got your share of secrets
And I'm tired of being last to know
And now you're asking me to listen
Cause it's worked each time before

But you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did - before
You're not sorry, no no, ohhh

You're not sorry no no ohhh

You had me falling for you honey
And it never would've gone away, no
You used to shine so bright
But I watched all of it fade

So you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There's nothing left to beg for
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did - before
You're not sorry, no no ohhh

You're not sorry, no no ohhh

i make mistakes. my personality is far from perfection. i'm flawed... same as everyone else. however, i try. i try hard. i know there are always more things i could be doing to be kinder, healthier, stronger, wiser and more considerate. but, i try. i think that's very important. trying. it's like having hope. without hope... without effort, there is no point.

so, i don't think i ask for too much. i might... who knows. none of us see ourselves the way others might. but, i have self-esteem. i know what i deserve. and what i deserve consists of a few simple things.

i deserve to appreciated. i want someone to want to be with me. i want someone to be proud to know me... to be my friend or otherwise. i want the people i care about to notice if i'm not around. i don't want them to fall apart, but, i want them to care if i'm gone.... or if i leave. it's a hard pill to swallow when love is the opposite. i've lived it... years of it. years of being left. years of toughening up, sucking it up and being a good little wife. years of his embarrassment when he held my hand or walked down the street with me. years of his refusal to compromise. he didn't care all the times he left me. he didn't care when i finally left him... once. i can't live thinking i could be left alone at any minute and i'd be the only one affected.

security. it's something which i've never had the luxury.

i think that's reasonable. i hope.

i promise myself i won't feel that way again.

old stuff

i must have been 20 or so when i wrote this...

_________________________

i sat and pondered
aimlessly rambling.
but still.
i wondered,
heart pounding,
"must you be
such a coward?
ignore the sea?
stop moving forward?"
gutless are thou.
so flee in the night.
i care not how.
just leave before it's light.

in my gloomy gloaming

a frightening feeling and
my heart's increased its pace.
afraid your leaving
is impossible to erase.

a few sentences poison,
like decaying blood.
a brief chapter closing?
while my tear ducts flood.

relief on one end,
terror on another.
our perfection perforated.
a flimsy disguise uncovered.

pushing on one end,
pulling on another.
potential progress paid. but,
intentions left undiscovered.

my eggshells remain sliced
and semi-broken.
confusion repressed
and heart's mending sunken.

i'll cry secret tears
and peel hidden layers away.
i'll hope your fears
don't lock my heart in dismay.

i'll hope... for hope,
and stand on the sideline.
i'll jump in when you need me,
to devour your disincline.

i'll keep tiny pieces you've earned
to barter and trade
for shards of your trust
'till our reluctance, fades.


.........................................................................................................
he o'ertook my desire
with rainwashed and sunbaked memories...
i became fallacy.
and somewhere,
in my heart,
the riot softened.