i think of myself as observant. it can be looked at as a character flaw or good trait.

i notice a lot. i notice if someone needs help opening a door because they may have their hands full. i offer to help when i know someon i care about needs it. i'm thoughtful. i can tell when someone has had a bad day. i am a good friend. i think. i hope. i only try to get better. if i know i've upset someone, i will do what's in me to make it right... even when i don't understand it.

i read body language. i read inaction... as negative action. i over extend myself. i offer too much, probably. it's in my nature to take on a care taking roll. i don't like it. i really don't. however, it makes me happy to be helpful. at the same time, i tend to resent other's for my helpfulness. which, i know, is a flaw. it's not healthy... and completely unfair. i wouldn't do it... if i didn't expect some of the same treatment in return. treat others how you'd want to be treated... and so on. so, resentment tends to boil from a lack of consideration shown to me. i hope i learn from it.

maybe one day, i'll feel like i can walk next to someone. and not behind or in front of them. maybe one day, i'll feel equal. maybe one day i won't feel broken. maybe i'll always be broken. but, maybe i'll live with it. maybe. maybe there will always be maybes. there will always be unknowns. i can't know everything... can i? sheesh... then, if i did, i'd never be surprised. everything would be boring. no excitement.

broken smiles
can't disguise,
hardened lines
round my eyes.

a worn cheek here,
tattered glance there.
it reads like a novel
leaving you bare.

don't give a false smile to anyone. don't fake it. don't fake it or you're stuck faking it. just like sex. don't fool someone into thinking what they are doing is good... if it's not. they'll keep it up... and you'll be unsatisfied. and, you won't have reason to complain. no. it's like not voting. don't like obama? did you vote? then shut the fuck up.

man that was random and completely unorganized.