who can you... i trust?

not a soul? right? maybe i shouldn't say "soul" because i don't believe in god? maybe i should just say "no one". yea. no one. i barely trust myself much of the time.

i think that i won't know myself... ever... i change too often to keep up with me. in my last moments of conscious breathing... maybe then, i'll get it. i don't expect such, though. i think even then i'll be confused.

i long for unabashed joy. i long to love myself without condition.

i just want to be fucking happy. why is that so unatainable? and, why is it so hard to understand that a person, sometimes, has to think of themselves. i need to think of me right now. it's pertinent.... it's imperative... i can think of a million ways to say it... but, it just is and that's how it's going to have to be.

humph.