clarity

why can't i ever hold on to clarity? i'd like to keep it in my pocket. i could take it out and look at it when ever my mind becomes cloudy or confused. i'd really like that. earlier today, as i rode shotgun with the windows down at 70 MPH, the wind was echoing through my ears like my skull was empty and... i felt clear. literally. clear. like there were no thoughts for a split second. everything was so loud and calm. it was... unexpected. i'm always thinking something. then, i started thinking about how there were no thoughts and BAM! thoughts. but, just for a moment, everything was ok. it makes me feel like one day, everthing might just be ok. "so, i've got that goin' for me... which is nice." then, during another much more pivotal part of my day, hands clasped, i felt myself become very vulnerable. i tend to keep walls up. but, today, it was nice to recede the barriers, if only for a moment, and let the flood waters surround my feet.

i get the feeling i might drown sometimes. and, i think, "would i fight it? would i try to swim?" i think one thing that really holds me back in life is... doubt. so many people have so much faith in my ability. why don't i have at least a fraction of that faith? i'm confident, i think. i wish i were more so. i think if i had more ambition i could do anything. i could be an astronaut.

so clarity isn't kept in a jar. it's not homemade like strawberry jam... all covered in wax at the top for sealing purposes. but i'd like to have some... like now... i'd like some clarity. i'd like some direction. i know what's coming in these months. i know what my status will be and i know where i'll live. i'll still be here. but, will i be happy? that is a concern. i cannot be happy unless i'm honest with myself.

i could have tried harder...?
cried on his shoulder more...?
spent less time trying to live up to standard than just living...?

i could have said, "no".

yes, i think, maybe, that might be the only thing. avoided a lot, we would have if i'd just been honest from the start. i was too young to know anyway. i was too young to know anything. i am too young to know a lot.

i won't makes these mistakes again, will i? i think "no" will be the requisite answer from now on.

do you want fries with that?

no. (goes straight to my hips)

is there something you aren't telling me?

no. (if i'm not telling you then you don't need to know)

wanna get married?

no. (duh)

yes. that'll do. i guess. for now. i don't always want these walls but, i fear the concrete and steel are far too strong for me. at least for now... i have to exercise my heart.