caretaker and daddy

i find myself slipping into a caretaker role quite easily. it happens when i'm not paying attention. it happens... almost against my will. i have to conscientiously fight against a strange urge to take care of others. my mother is always taking care of others. she's a medical professional. but, not only does she take care of strangers, she's always on the lookout for things she can do for me and my siblings. it's sweet, but i often wonder what she does for herself. i don't want the caretaker role. i'm no parent. i'm no wife. i'm only me. i'm self-centered and arrogant. i don't know why the desire is so strong. it's confusing.

also... i've been thinking (i try to do this as often as possible)... it's difficult for me to shy away or ignore attention from men. regardless of my reaction to their presence, i can't help but address it. despite their advances- be it ridicule or attraction- i still react. and, well, i wonder... is that because i didn't get any attention from daddy?? how stupid does that sound? it makes sense, but i feel like a psych patient blaming their killing spree on "daddy didn't love me". but, seriously... i've always attracted men and i've always "given them the time of day"... so to speak. hmmm... anyway.