noise. helps me to focus and dulls the screaming in my head, momentarily. silence comes and the beautifully aching cramps throbbing deep in my chest increase. i almost can't sit still. i have to get up. i have to rustle paper and make noise. it's empty in this building. i don't want time to think. i want to avoid. i'm content ignoring it. no, no i'm not. i want to wrap my arms around you, feel my face in your hands and lips on my own. i want to walk beside you and hold your hand. i want to be unashamed. unabashed by my affections. suffocated by the miles between us, my lungs fill with empty air. this thing between us is both electrifying and discouraging. it's unattainable. it's out of reach. it's devastating. i'm devastated.

silence comes...

i feel helpless.
i can't stop it now,
i can't stop my fall.

i'll resist but, the arrows
will find your love
restless in my heart.

my dreams tip the rim
and bleed all over daylight.
i choke them back.

i'll resist but, my affections,
unabashed and adoring,
ache beautifully
in my chest.

i feel helpless.
without warning
i've fallen all over.
without warning...
i'm yours.

noise comes... and i relax.

achingly beautiful

i am not content... i want not to be soothed and not ache. i want to be held... i don't want to be unattainable. i want to be quenchable. ugh.

i am content
savoring my broken affection,
delaying promises,
and spending my time...
worthless.

i have not needs
for your contact
or attention.
i'll admire you from
this space
and keep my distance.

my dreams sustain,
my fantasies frighten.
the two intermingle,
but, the confusion
i welcome.

possibility calms
my expectation
and i am soothed.
soothed and waiting
patiently...
unoccupied.

Yes... patiently unoccupied.

I don't want explanations and excuses and rambling rants. I deserve action.

mystified

Q: Is it possible to change what defines us as individuals?

A: first of all... this is as broad and vague as a question can get. how can one answer this? first, you have to know what defines you. you have to know what will people think of when your name is mentioned. i know what i think of... but, it's similar to looking in the mirror and seeing a photo of yourself: they differ dramatically. i do not see in a picture what i see in the mirror. i like to say, "i'm uncomplicated." but have come to discover... i am as complex as i have ever been. i could not give you or anyone a list of things that are me. i think i am constantly changing. i am not who i was a year ago and will not be this woman (why did i want to write girl) in another years time. one of the few things i know about myself is... if someone doesn't like me, just as i am, they can fuck off. hate me. love me. i am me. i will not adjust myself to it anyone else's mold. i am not clay. i am solid steel. i am me. i am no one else but who i want. i can portray anyone i want but, i do not. i am only me.

So, the question still stands... can i change what defines me? yes. i want to be more kind to others... i start being more kind. i want to workout... i workout. i want to be more honest... i start telling the truth. you can be whomever you desire if, you are of strong and solid character. if you have no backbone or commitment then you are, and will always be, what others see. ask me something... i will tell you how i feel despite the fear of your reactions and the consequences i have faced and will face for being this person i am. so tell me... what defines me? if you can answer, then i am who i want to be.

his special spot

twenty paces separate madness
from serenity.
he sits.
after a moment,
his woes gentley smolder
in twilight.

he takes time
to oil
his rusted senses.
and breathes deep
to let his barriers
release.

uncontrolably,
he sobs.
sweating fire
burns the ground
and salty eyes
retain water.

many rely on him.
few see him.
he's hardened and aptly
prepared,
but lets lose
briefly,
out of view.

only a moment
of reflection.
he gains his composure
and picks up
his angry
embers to sparkle
and ignite.

old stuff

bathed in stellar breezes
she's flying over head,
casting her gaze upon the helpless
thousands of stars dead.

her object is clear and fixed,
she'll make it there tonight,
even if day and night switch,
even if this is her last flight.

her hope is unshakable,
as she rests with the moon.
her smile out shines the sun,
and he knows she approaches soon.

But, as struggling nebulas race
after dissolving wind,
and she's slowed her rate of pace
his confidence wallows thin.

and she's lost and faith's gone,
it falters off with the last
pink cloud in dusk's sky,
it happened right in front of you and I,

the
comet
died.

perfectly tired

his muscles are tight,
he stretches back his chair,
exhales his plight,
but the silence blares.

i can see it
i can see it now,
the crease between his eyes
and sweat on his brow.

a deep breathing,
a heavy sigh,
all the while pleasing,
all but the inside.

i can hear it
i can hear it now,
a rambling of reasoning
branching like a bough.

with a small frown
and close of his eyes,
he redirects his focus
and unbuttons his cries.

i can taste it
i can taste it now,
the salt in his wounds
and all the pain he's allowed.

lying back, he rests,
worriment abundant,
but he tries his best,
to cease concerns rampant.

i can feel it
i can feel it now,
his sincerity behind,
promises bestowed.

i hope his mind will ease
and he'll find his repose,
i'd take pieces of his pain with me,
if only the opportunity arose.

but,
as it is,
there isn't time.
a door
locked shut,
and fences to climb.

i can smell it
i can smell it
now
sweet soft eminence of skin
and all the luxuries
avowed.

in afternoon
when breezes are stiff
and sweet blooms
hibernate and drift,

i await new destinations
and break old ideas,
as birds exhaust pollination
and search new reasons.

a gust soft lifts my hair,
and sets it back down.
my emotions are bare,
and my sorrows drown.

i rest my hands on my knees
and pretend,
i'm dried leaves
waiting on the wind.

requiem for a sour lullaby

what a blunder, this sleepless somber summer
vatic thunder shudders, awakening slumber
of what's come out from under...
muttered stutters never uttered.

shunned frozen like the cold hands held,
stunned to be chosen, two bold eyes to weld....

you woke up, like any other morning,
carried your filth into the shower.
didn't even think about what had happened to me
didn't even start to weigh the force of its power.
then, crying a bit, while you remembered,
after sighing a bit, just as your brain triggered.
taking just a moment to reflect
then, snapped back from where you'd went
after rinsing the pain away
and cleansing the dirt from your conscience,
(so you wouldn't be distracted).
you went about your day,
didn't worry about such wallowing nonsense
and the lives it had impacted.
questions arose of your suffering,
and, you didn't know i was watching,
you shrugged your shoulders
smiled at other's condolence
pretended to be full of sadness
but retracted from morning's madness
adorning God with reasons "why"
shutting everyone out from what's really inside...
you arrived home, resting to erase the louche parts,
breathing relief of your lost burden.

you welcomed exercise to your condemned withering heart
and chuckled at the absence of tension.
but, love knows i'm hurtin',
at the sight of your misfortune,
though not a reason, not one, to feel pity
for someone who, apparently, doesn't even miss me.

don't read this requiem
to embellish your contempt,
truth be told in dreams.
i am the narrator to garnished tales of scorn
and yours is seeping from its seams
in bloody streams with fizzling screams.

you need not ponder my existence,
or wonder just what of the seemingly fictitious repentance.
just pray for forgiveness
at what you've, for years, called salvation.
and the obvious misplaced acceptance
of brain power, misused, deceptions.

hope for the afterlife
and your painless sobbing strife
that He didn't notice
lack of devotion,
imbalance of speeding recovery,
the principality you've chosen
simply out of envy.
shadow the crimes of skin,
hide your shameful nameless sin,
where your disrupted mind's focus has been,
the blankets of cold lies,
and how your heart didn't bother to cry
the day after i died...

better as a memory

i wonder... are my desires better sealed in my fantasies? should i leave them in their hiding place? i'm not sure i deserve to get what i want... and when i get it, will i want it? will i destroy some one? will i ruin everything? why do i find these cracks in life? why? why can't i just jump over them...

i can resist this thing i want. i think about it at all times. i want it at all times. i can see it when i close my eyes. as if it were painted behind my eyelids, it's a picture i have never had, will never have, but will always want.

is it a problem? is my restlessness a problem? is it a sin? don't answer. you'll be wrong, certainly. i can rationalize anything. i can make sense of it all. i'd be wrong... but all i know is what i'm told... and what i tell myself. i can believe anything.

it's never over until you let go
it's never beginning until you let go

Tightly tangled dreams,
Restless,
In my labored lax fantasies.

Twisted and taut...
Deliberate
In an empty abyss
Of my affections.

Staged for pleasure,
awaiting measure,
expecting rejection
of my contemning
sentiments.

precariously placed
by fire,
sweetly burned by
my desires.

the devotion remains.

and aptly, i am wasted.
naturally,
naturally wasted.

Much energy is wasted.

Wasted on your inconsistencies.

Lost in my text.

Suspended in our context.

motion meaningless mindless coitus

Wrapped in false ignored pretenses.

There is no need for your lines.

Admit it.

All you think of is my body wrapped round your own.

I’ll confess,

I dream about only your lips.

I’m a liar.

You feed me lines of bliss and future happiness,

You liar.

I swear to only want your advances of pleasure.

I’m a liar.

But I’ll repeat the process,

A thousand times over.

Until voids in my body no longer linger,

And ache from gut rot.

So I’ll see you tonight and tomorrow.

there's no excuse not to dream

i'll stick my dreams in my pocket
where they'll be warm
and germinate

i'll fantasize of fancy follies
of fateful failings
i'll desire dutiful deeds
and dread my undoing

i'll keep my dreams in my back pocket
where they'll be behind me
where they won't be out of reach

i'll keep my nightmares in my purse
where they can't scare me
where they can't hurt us

i'll hide my dreams in my shoes
where i can keep them
never achieve
never fail

there's no excuse not to dream
and i'm just a dreamer

You know... I had a really crappy evening. I wanted a hug very much. Is it a shame that I'm uncertain where I can get one? My eyes burn. My eyes burn from the salt that builds... and rests there while I push and choke it back. I wanted so badly to stop and get a hug from you. You are the first person I thought of... that's so dangerous. That's so mystifying. Terrifying. Comforting and unsettling all at once. This can't end well... hell, it can't even start. I wish I could share all these things with you... all my inner disgusting and enlightened thoughts. But, I can't. I can't even look you in the eye. I can't even tell you why. Silly. Stupid. Sad music makes me think of you. I don't want to be sad. I want to smile... because it makes you smile. On second thought, I'll stop it. I'll look away. I can't have what I want so I'll just stop wanting it. Yea, it's that easy. It's that simple. Why do I pour my guts out to you? Why do I feel the need to tell you more and more. Why? FUCK. FUCK FUCK. I don't want this. This is the only way to get this out. To type it out. I can't talk it out. I can't scream it out. I can't fuck it out. I can only type it out. But, it won't get out. It just fucking sits there. I don't want it. Take it back. Please.

derailed

i can feel my lean.
i can feel me leaning.
i'm bound to tumble
stumble, collapse and crumble.

i'll be pieces
i'll be swept away in the wind
i'll skirt outside comets
i'll be dust

i'm a mistake
drifting past
right choices
and wise decisions

failing tests
and disappointing.

I need someone to fucking hug me.

my heart is pounding.
and I'm aching a little.

what's that mean?

please do it more

your smiling
lightens the heavy loads
on my heart
a little.

please do it more.

your smiling rips
a sparkle from my eye,
rips it clean cut away.
you can keep it.

please do it more.

my smiling
induces your smiling.
your resistence,
induces my smiling.

please do it more.

its intensity causes
a bit of embarrassment,
shame,
life,
love.

a bit of withdrawl
when you turn away.

please do it more.

please.

disatisfied

daylight darkens with night
and tears of the sun

spread his fiery want

all over my eyes.

no courtesy sprinkle,
a down pour of desire
descends,
and i am wasted.

within their size,
my ambition
blinds me and
he takes his satiation away.

his seed is sewn.

blind bleeding and near drunk
i stumble until
the veil of night burns.
my curse is all but lifted.

i wander, wanton and wailing,
my final stand,
equal to my first fall.

and,
i've finished at my beginning.

write what you know

what does that even mean? "write what you know". writing is about discovering things you didn't know. sometimes, just sometimes... i write and write and write, and out comes some profound thing i didn't know about myself. or i make some determination about my own discretion, or lack there of.

for example... i'm quite lonely. not lonely without love or friendship... just lonely in general, and somewhat by choice. self-inflicted and bad for my health... but, it's difficult to let people in. even those that are already close to me i keep at arm's length. some inquire... some discover... most are left blinded in the dark. i am the later. i would like to be in the middle... but, i'm dead last when it comes to being in the know about "me". someone asked me tonight, "what brings you happiness?" i hadn't an answer. i couldn't even lie. i merely shifted my eyes, shrugged and kicked dirt around. i'd rather, maybe, just ignore those sort of questions. they make me examine myself. that's not an easy thing. i don't know that i like me. i mean... i could be a better person. i could love more. i could laugh more. i could be more honest. but, i guess this is always the case. i bet even Mother Theresa lied once or twice. she may have even swore.

i'll pretend not to notice you,
i'll laugh, i'll joke, i'll say "later".
when i really want to
kiss and hug and say "goodbye".

i'll pretend you don't notice me,
i'll break the locked looks before you,
i'll take the melting feeling in my chest
and bury it where it can't hurt us.

they all notice us,
not noticing each other.
they've seen us shake hands,
when we really want to hold hands.

i'll pretend not to notice,
the heavy pressure on my ribs
i get when you try not to smile at me.
when you try not to crush on me.

i'll pretend for as long as i can.
when i can't pretend anymore...
i'll disappear.

dammit. these crushes of mine will destroy me. these crushes of mine will destroy him. dammit.

texting and crushes

idk

i hate that 'idk'. i hate reading it. it's the worst shortened text ever. there are a ton of short cut text messages... for example:

txt: text

lol: lots of laughs or laugh out loud

n: in or and

u: you

r: are

def: definitely

ugh: used to show frustration

I leave the "g" of "ing" all the time.

but... 'idk': i don't know. i hate that one. maybe because i hate that answer because it's not really an answer. it's a deflection. it's avoidance.

on to other topics

i can have a crush on anyone. i have what i like to call "bite size" crushes on people all the time. men. women. no matter their gender. then, i have "fun size" crushes... those are more rare. "full size" almost never happen and can be trouble. then, the most dangerous, "king size" crushes. those get me in a lot of hardship. i'll attempt, below, to explain each type of crush.

"bite size"
these are the sort of crushes where you just want to pinch their cheeks a lot. you think about them when you see them... maybe for a minute or two after they are gone. but, that's it. there's no dreaming or imagination involved. no longing. no lingering looks. there really isn't much more to it than you find your self attracted to them when they are around. but, completely unaware of their existence when they are gone.

"fun size"
now... these are interesting. there is a little more thought involved in these. fun size... you want their number. you'd like to have the possibility of running into them outside of where you would normally see them. you see them down the hall, and you aren't embarrassed to go say 'hello'. you wonder what they look like naked. you may... or may not think of them at other times during the day. you are aware they exist and you think about them when they aren't around, but don't spend countless hours plotting your 'next move'. lingering looks are involved... but not tooooo lingering.

"full size"
these you have to be careful of because they can turn into "king size" before you know. i mean you won't even see it coming. these crushes can swamp you in ponderment of this other person. you lose your train of thought. you want to be in the room or place they are in at all times. you stare at them. you think about them naked, a lot. you wonder what their weight feels like on you. you wonder what they taste like and smell like. if you get the opportunity to get close enough, you remember their smell. lingering looks... oh yes. so lingering that people around you notice. everyone is aware of the attraction that exists between you... or that you have for them. you have their number. you text them all the time or you think about texting them all the time. you text them dirty things. you tell them things you wouldn't tell others. they might know your fantasies. they might know your desires. there are a million things to describe a "full size" crush. i you have one, you know it. i know it. you could fall for this person. as i warned before, it could turn into a "king size" crush at any moment and you won't know it until it happens.

"king size"
those get me in the heart. slow my pulse. these... you keep to yourself. no one knows because you avoid eye contact. avoid eye contact so that they don't notice the soft glimmer in your eyes when you look at them. you try not to linger in their presence. these are the sort you fall in love with... the kind that break your heart. you want to know about their lives. but you don't ask. you want to know about their future. but you keep your mouth shut. these drive a person crazy. these go on for months... years... decades. these are the sort you hope to have forever with one person. if you're lucky. most people aren't this lucky. to have a "king size" crush is be in love. so use caution. "king size" crushes will destroy you.

So... if that makes any sense... which, to me it does... then make sure to be on the lookout for someone who has a crush on you or the other way around.

i want them all on one person. i wish it worked that way. ugh. my "full size" crush could be trouble.

i want... so many things...

this must be crazy

i want so many things it's difficult
to describe.

i want your warm hands on me
i want my panties on me
one hand to grip my hip
the other to press my body forward
my legs straight
my back arched
i want to feel you exploding
i want your pants on you

i want you to slide your fingers up
i want you to tickle my legs
my panties at my knees
breath on my bare back
tongue on my shoulders
heals on
i want to feel your weight on me
i want you to feel my soft backside on your chest

i want to hear you say 'god' when you can't take it
i want to know what turns you on
tell me softly in my ear
whisper sweetly what you want me to do
i'll whimper and acknowledge my submission
i'll comply with your request
i want to make your eyes close
i want you to force them open

i want to see you looking at me
i want to know how good it feels
turn me around
take my shirt off
lay me down
take off my panties
i want to feel your whiskers
i want to feel them on my thighs

i want you to taste me
wet your lips
wet mine
take your time
press your face into me
i want to feel your hands on my backside
i want to feel them grip tighter with your excitement

i want you to slowly slide towards me
i want to see the look you'll give
softly... your shoulders at my hips
then... my stomach
...my breasts
...my shoulders
i want to feel your kiss
i want to feel you

i want you slowly
i want you softly
i want to feel every inch
harder
faster
i want you to bite me
i want you to feel every inch of you in me

i want to see your eyes when you are ready
i want to feel your muscles tighten
i want to taste you.

i want to rest... and... rinse... and repeat.