I am already defeated

Meet boy.
I look at boy... in the ways that I do.  As if I want only him.  I know what I'm doing.
Boy falls in serious like with me.  Overwhelming.  Consuming.  Deceiving.
Boy gets what he wants... or he doesn't.
and I can smell and feel and hear it furiously fleeting away from me,
before I can even see it.
Just a shimmer crosses his eyes, and in a breath, it's gone.
Boy gets what he wants or he doesn't... he's gone either way.
I am already defeated.
Every. Fucking. Time.

The pattern I cannot ignore.  I am the common denominator.  The results are never-changing.  So, I change the input.  I reserve myself, open up sparingly or not at all.  I attempt to make connections based upon personality, common interests, life similarities, his kindness, her heart, etc.  Things that make a relationship lasting.  This is a hard thing to do because I want "it" too.  I am finding I have trouble making connections outside of sexual.  Sex is just such an easy way to connect to someone... or so it would seem.  I don't think it's as simple as it sounds.  I am no sex addict.  I guess I could blame it on "they always leave," which is a common case... but sometimes I leave.  Maybe I leave because I get tired of waiting for them to leave, after all, that is the next step, or such is my life.  They always leave, and so I hide.  My trust is hard to earn, and they don't stick around long enough, which makes them unworthy of my trust anyway.  So, why mourn them (right, that's what I'm supposed to say and pretend it doesn't bother me when shitty people I care about leave my life).

"I guess I'm sick of aching so I'll stop dating..." only that didn't cure the throbbing.  It only put a new sort of hurt in its place.  Now, I am more aware of the loneliness than ever.

I really have no idea which path is the correct or best or easiest... I don't even know if I'm on a path.  Am I even moving?  I am at least thinking.  And, until I figure this out, there's no way it will change.  So, what the fuck do I do?  Stay the same until I learn how to change it.  Stay shut in forever.  Meet someone who will adjust with me.  Like I said, paths... who fucking knows, right.

I do know this... I know this for sure after several personal experiments have proven to always be true... never is it not so:  I am incapable of sex without intimacy.  It really fucks me up.  I am really glad I understand this fact now... or that I'm just not ignoring it anymore.

Well, here I am, just sort of this person in limbo not really participating in the most of life.  Here I shall be until... shit, I have no idea.  I have to break this addictive cycle.

The old me
One glance back with mirrored affections.
I am already defeated.
I will spend my days seeking its incarnation and nights reveling in your eye's reflection.
Every thought to your benefit.  I'll forget me.

The new me
I don't really smile anymore.  I'm looking for me, and only me.  If someone with more interest than what I can do for them comes along, maybe I'll find a new friend.  I'm just looking for me.