It's been about a year.  A year since I lost him.  I've lamented over the reasons.  Over and over and over all my actions I've gone.  Trying to find the 'why, who, what, where & when'.  But.  It's really come down to, I thought I found happiness.  I really thought maybe I did.  Now, whether or not I did isn't really important.  If I was happy, a true friend...a companion in this shitty life, should support and be happy for me.. Right?  Maybe he thought I had chosen incorrectly.  Maybe he had never seen me like this... Happy.  Maybe he was unhappy that HE wasn't my happy.  Maybe he's just a shitty friend, after all.

See.  There is the issue.  I don't fucking know what his god damned problem is and he won't speak it to me. 

So. I'm forced to make up my own mind. 

So. I've lamented. Over and fucking over.   He obviously doesn't care or deserve so much of my consideration.  So, I'm done. I will not look you in the eye, I will not mourn our friendship any longer as its obvious, you no longer wanted what I had, since you've found it elsewhere, so you're done with me. 

I'm hoping one day that it's less surreal and more normal.  It's getting there.  I don't care near as much and I only cry sometimes.  Progress.

Fucking dickhead. 

Not related but related, 2015 will go down as my hardest year.  It'll be my hardest year and in years passed I've sat through deployment, been divorced and undergone horrible treatments for disease.  But, 2015 is the hardest because I lost what I thought was the most important friendship I would ever have and it would never be gone. Ever.  The losing isn't the hard part.  The realization that he was never truly my friend is the hard part.  In 2015, I lost my hope.  Any sense of innocence is gone. Men and women cannot actually be friends.  That's a shitty thing to finally accept.  Or to swallow because so many told me I was wrong and in fact, I was indeed. So very wrong. I doubt I'll ever meet a man that can just be my friend without the desire for more. Men are such a flawed deviation of the species. I know that if the incomplete chromosome 'y' never occurred, women would have found ways to procreate.

He is so weak.