I am already defeated

Meet boy.
I look at boy... in the ways that I do.  As if I want only him.  I know what I'm doing.
Boy falls in serious like with me.  Overwhelming.  Consuming.  Deceiving.
Boy gets what he wants... or he doesn't.
and I can smell and feel and hear it furiously fleeting away from me,
before I can even see it.
Just a shimmer crosses his eyes, and in a breath, it's gone.
Boy gets what he wants or he doesn't... he's gone either way.
I am already defeated.
Every. Fucking. Time.

The pattern I cannot ignore.  I am the common denominator.  The results are never-changing.  So, I change the input.  I reserve myself, open up sparingly or not at all.  I attempt to make connections based upon personality, common interests, life similarities, his kindness, her heart, etc.  Things that make a relationship lasting.  This is a hard thing to do because I want "it" too.  I am finding I have trouble making connections outside of sexual.  Sex is just such an easy way to connect to someone... or so it would seem.  I don't think it's as simple as it sounds.  I am no sex addict.  I guess I could blame it on "they always leave," which is a common case... but sometimes I leave.  Maybe I leave because I get tired of waiting for them to leave, after all, that is the next step, or such is my life.  They always leave, and so I hide.  My trust is hard to earn, and they don't stick around long enough, which makes them unworthy of my trust anyway.  So, why mourn them (right, that's what I'm supposed to say and pretend it doesn't bother me when shitty people I care about leave my life).

"I guess I'm sick of aching so I'll stop dating..." only that didn't cure the throbbing.  It only put a new sort of hurt in its place.  Now, I am more aware of the loneliness than ever.

I really have no idea which path is the correct or best or easiest... I don't even know if I'm on a path.  Am I even moving?  I am at least thinking.  And, until I figure this out, there's no way it will change.  So, what the fuck do I do?  Stay the same until I learn how to change it.  Stay shut in forever.  Meet someone who will adjust with me.  Like I said, paths... who fucking knows, right.

I do know this... I know this for sure after several personal experiments have proven to always be true... never is it not so:  I am incapable of sex without intimacy.  It really fucks me up.  I am really glad I understand this fact now... or that I'm just not ignoring it anymore.

Well, here I am, just sort of this person in limbo not really participating in the most of life.  Here I shall be until... shit, I have no idea.  I have to break this addictive cycle.

The old me
One glance back with mirrored affections.
I am already defeated.
I will spend my days seeking its incarnation and nights reveling in your eye's reflection.
Every thought to your benefit.  I'll forget me.

The new me
I don't really smile anymore.  I'm looking for me, and only me.  If someone with more interest than what I can do for them comes along, maybe I'll find a new friend.  I'm just looking for me.

I have never dated a man that is proud to be with me.  I am not arm candy... no, I do not wish to be–but, I still want to feel that my man is prideful of attaining me–that he'd boast to his friends.  I do not know this feeling.  I've only ever dated men that are somehow embarrassed of me.  I don't really understand why.  I am far from perfect, but I've got some damn desirable characteristics and sought after features.

I do not know how to find a man that will love me for me, flaws and all.  I haven't been looking, either.  Why should I?  What's the point?  You all just want that perfect woman, and I'll never be her.

I'm just me, and I fucking like me.  Maybe someday, a man will feel the same.

Edit (5-24-15):  I convinced myself on Friday to remove this post.  It has upset someone I feel very strongly towards.  I did not intend such, no.  This is not a true representation of how I feel today, not exactly.  However, this is indeed how I felt at one time and the message still resonates.  I'm putting this post back up, unedited save for this caveat.  I'm sorry that the truth hurts you.  Sincerely.  It is, however, just that: the truth.  The general tone of this post is indeed how I feel.  You were careless.  You do not deserve my pity or my consideration.  No, not one bit.  I gave you all that I had already.  So, read it again, never visit this place again, fall in love with me, nothing matters.  The only thing that matters is truth.  What falls below, is fucking truth.

Do you not feel worthy?

Are you terrified of failure?

Do you sabotage yourself?

Did you give up on me?

Did you even try to know me?

I at least know the answer to my last query.  When asked, "are you happy?"  The truth is a very acceptable response.  Asking in return is sort of expected of caring, kind and considerate people but perhaps I misjudged you for one.  Even now.  After all your sobbing (not over me, I know), and admissions of fault, you do not alter your behavior. Instead, when told, "Hope all is well."  Your response is completely vain, and no question of my own well being is considered. 

This describes the majority of our short time together.  I will not want for you. I will not shed tears for the end of this...whatever it was. I was merely a pawn in your life. You used me.. You said it yourself, "...I was afraid of what I would be losing."  Because of all the things I did for you.  I will not change me for this breakup.  We will not makeup.  I will continue being kind, fair, understanding, thoughtful, logical and most of all... I'll continue being the me you didn't want.  I'm ever so proud I called you on your bullshit.  It was so thick, dear.  Everyone sees it.  Everyone.  You can continue to walk around with your nose in the air, pretending you're better than us all.  But it's those of us who don't feel the need to compare ourselves against others, that are the ones with proper self-esteem.

Yours is misplaced.