A face like an angel,

that no one could love.

A heart like a stallion,

that ended up alone.

just be scared with me

Life is so stupid. So many of us fail at it. I fail on a daily basis. I fail to have patience at a stop light or consideration for a coworker. I fail to look myself in the eye and believe that I'm beautiful. I fail to care for me.

A few events have occurred over the past week that has left me sullen and sulking. I don't know a way out. I don't know where to go from here. I'm trapped inside my apartment with a keyboard and monitor. It's beautiful outside, and I cannot bring myself to open the back door. I'm lost in my thoughts. I'm lost in devastation. There is one thing I'd like to succeed in, and I cannot seem to find another person willing to go my distance. How foolish of me to think that another person could contain the amount of passion I hold... the amount I extend. I'm just too intense, and I don't know another way of being.

A friend send this text to me... a friend that knows me well. A friend that has always got the perfect words to say to me. He cares greatly for me, and I'm so thankful for him. He is letting me devour myself for the time being. He's allowing me to be sad. Other people seem to just want me to wake from this nightmare, as if they can do so by shaking me. It's like shaking an angry cat right now. I just want to be sad.

me: the hardest part is getting dumped

Friend: I'm sorry. You are truly a unique and wonderful woman and clearly he doesn't have the capacity to appreciate who you are.

me: ty. That means a lot to me.

Friend: Just know I care, and you matter. It's well-known that time heals hurts... people never acknowledge, however, that when you're hurting, time stretches, interminably slow.

How right is he?

Monday is steadily approaching, however, and soon I must face life. I've been fairly independent throughout my life. Things have happened and I've been able to overcome them. This... this however, feels very damaging. It's more damaging than anything I've encountered in recent times. But, I still have to pick up, and be, I guess. Many people depend on me continuing on... pushing forward, or whatever. Maybe I can just delay this shit for one more evening...

*Are you okay?

-I'm scared.

*Me too.

-Want to be scared together?

*I like this idea.

My capacious heart

I've neglected you, Daughter. The fleeting disposition of my absent nature is my Life. I will not expatiate my regret or grief. I will not burden you with my eccentric deeds because you see, Daughter, you will not forgo my trespasses. You will not repudiate my damage because it is done. I do sit up at night wondering and dreaming of your place in life. I think, "Did I have a hand in success or happiness?" Well, as truculent as my Life and choices may seem, Pride remains. I'd rather not face the facts. I'm ruined.

Ephemeral Enmity Love

Father, you have left me. A day has gone and went and still... all is silent on your end of the line. My jovial childhood precedes my somber youth. And, somewhere in between I can see your evanescent guidance and your dilatory inclination swallowing your love. I can see you forever in the background whispering, judging and hating. You knew someday your laggard ways would perch its filthy face on my shoulder. The day has come, Father. A day for recognition. I have bruises; They are well protected and remain fresh. But, Father... I'm okay. Mother was there. Always, Mother was there picking up after your sloppy counsel. She governed in a world enveloped in regret. She's still cleaning your vacuous Life out of my eyes. Bruises fade, Father. The past remains the same.

But, I'm okay, Daddy. Mommy is still here.

Why does it feel like we made it official, and suddenly caught the plague. Our disease is eating away at one another. The closer we get.. the further we are from happy.

I realized something sobering last night. I put all my eggs in one basket. A basket that was supposed to with stand eternity... or at least my eternity. Well, the bottom fell out, or it caught on fire or something. Either way, my fucking eggs are spoiled.

Useless.

I'm terrible at this "girlfriend" thing. I don't know what I'm thinking. It will only end, and probably journey, into pain. Maybe I'm too demanding. Maybe I don't know me. Maybe I'm a fucking idiot. All I know for sure is I feel like crap. I'm so tired of waiting for other people to make me feel good. One would think I would have figured it out after all these years.

Life has dealt me awful awful cards. Not the worst a person could have, but not even decent. Why do I continue to hope I'll get an Ace once in a while? Why am I so fucking foolish? I'm just a ghost here. I'm not even a likable person anymore.

I gently float
on my limits.
Pushing and
pressing
softly.

Loving
dysfunctional,
and weeping
for it
woefully.

Gliding
and misleading,
the strings of my
heart
foolishly.

I'll continue to
depress my love
in longing.
I'll keep it from
mending.

I know nothing else.

A love affair exists in the skies. We don't notice it, but it's always there. It's tumultuous. It's a stellar triangle the sorts only celestial beings are blessed... or cursed... to experience.

The Sun, he is steady. He's trapped in place while the woman he loves, The Moon, circles an uncontrollable forever. He watches her always as her evening hair is soft lifted upon his eternal morning. He goes days without even a glance in his direction; he struggles to keep her attention, but his glare burns bright on her light skin, and her aging surface hides from him.

The Comet can't stop his tracks. He constantly crashes past the Moon... and past her... and past her. Each of his lives begins with the excitement of fragments breaking off into her, or the terror of his uncontrollable path taking him into the Earth instead. His journey takes years, decades, and sometimes longer... each life's duration is unpredictable. He races for her... he tries to bend himself in her direction... but he's subject to the wind's discretion.

The Moon is continually faced with a choice. A fleeting love she knows will die a hundred thousand times before he can grace her with a soft kiss, or the steady Sun that cannot be moved, but would worship her forever, and be with her always. Emotional excitement or steady suburbia.

Look up sometime... you'll see it.