Resolution

I'm a little achy in the heart today. It's a bizarre feeling, and rather difficult to put into words properly. The best way to say is, I have a particularly dreadful sort of longing right now. Longing because, obviously, there is something I desire which I do not presently posess. Dreadful, because it's not something I'm quite comfortable desiring.

Last night, I made a... resolution, I guess (I had trouble determining what word would best fit here). I've said many times that I'll never marry again. I believe this determination, although many others do not. Here is why I believe marriage fails. We all know people who marry, and stay together forever. But, what percentage are they of those couples who marry? I mean, 5% maybe of the married couples I know/knew are still together. Something so fragile as love is doomed to failure when the expectation and pressure of "forever" is place on it's very existence. It must breathe every moment with the understanding that if this fails, dreams are crushed. How can anything possibly survive with that kind of pressure?! Life is fleeting, and that is why it is precious. Love is fleeting, and should also be cherished as such. Two people get together and decide that they have the rest of their lives to appreciate one another, so appreciation ends. I'm certain someone else has thought this before, but I'm just now thinking it, I guess. Or, I've been thinking it, and I'm only just now able to put in into words that matter.

So, my resolution... I'll never put any pressure, or expiration date for that matter on my current fling (or any future for that matter). I don't think that it is a fling exactly, but it is fun and exciting. No pressure... no expecation, no guilt, and no disappointment. I'm hoping that's possible for some time to come, because as soon as it becomes impossible is when one or the other will split. He's not my boyfriend. He's more of a lover in every sense of the word, not just physically. It's romantic, passionate, and important. So, he and I end when we end. I don't believe in forever anymore anyway. Everything dies, and why should romantic love be any different?

Anyway, why is my heart achy? I don't rightly know. Maybe because I left him with a kiss as goodbye this morning while he lay very cozy still... maybe because I have nightmares when I sleep alone... maybe because I have deeper feeling for him that I would not define as love. I believe I've stumbled upon some other sort of affection. I don't quite know its definition. I know that it's different, and it's probably because I'm different. I'm exploring it, and just trying to be happy. I'm trying not to lose me amongst all the other people in the world. It seems easy to do. I've never considered myself someone of weak character, but still, I lose me. I'm trying to keep me close.