heart-mending

i remember thinking, more than half a year ago, "this is going to be hard." i was referring to mending a broken heart. it was so difficult in the past... i remember the emotional and physical pain as if it happened only a year ago and not a decade. the rotting my stomach felt is pain that can never be forgotten. i expected and was prepared to be obliterated. i thought my heart would be broken in every sense of the word. i wasted time with someone who was uninterested in building anything... he was only interested in burning everything. what a waste.

but, on the way to work today i thought, wait... to say i wasted time may not be accurate. i could have definitely been spending the time in more productive and constructive ways, but it cannot be altered now. it's better to look at the lessons learned rather than life lost... and the lessons will not be wasted on me. and i will live a fuller life because of it. so, maybe i've only gained. i do not think of what i lost anymore. so, it was more of a heart-mending. i don't think i had ever recovered from my first heart break... even if i have now, i'm not sure. i do know though, that what i thought was going to occur did not. and now, my second love only helped me recover from my first. out of the other side i've come... not a bruised and frightened girl but, rather, a positive and proud woman. i know now, more than ever, who i am and what i want. i really think that will only continue to develop. i may never fully understand me, but i have more tools for the dissection of my own mind and emotions and i'll practice with them everyday. my third love will only be stronger and will benefit from my past. i won't let him suffer for what others have done. it will be the love of my life.

i'm hopeful... not regretful.

the point of life i may never know... but it has to include LIVING it in there some where. this is what I intend to do and i'm going to love as much and as hard as i can.