me, myself & I

a battle has begun. there is no clear idea of who declared it... but, war has been waged. me is arguing with I and I is plotting against me. myself, is stuck in the middle unable to determine its own location. it's a quiet battle, mostly. sometimes I gets hurt... me gets bruised... but, always myself is conflicted. where does this girl side? where do i find peace? where is a safe place for me? how do i finally know myself?

how fucking confusing is that?

i'd like to think that each day i present a better version of me. but, who knows? one of my biggest flaws... i don't trust myself. i never believe me. self-introspection is healthy, yes? in excess though... people get lost. and i'm lost. i'm stuck between terrifying and terrifying. who the fuck knows where that is? i sure don't. i have such a long way to go. i only hope those i care about most... understand they're flawed just the same. I hope they are by my side as i stumble down the poorly laid brick path in front of me... venturing through doubt and certainty. i don't want to cry. i don't want to be confused. i just want to be happy. i just want happy.

balanced = constant confliction

i would like to think i know me. introspection is necessary... however, is considered self centered when in excess. but, i'm not sure i could know me if i've not focused a great deal of energy trying to see me. so many people seem to see me clearer than i see myself. they say horrible things. things that i don't want to believe... things i don't want to put weight in. but, the opinions of those i care about have that... weight. so, maybe some ... or all of these things are true. then, i'm devestated. i've tried... or so i thought.. tried to be better... and to find out that it's probably all a lie i've been telling myself... is just that, devestating.

just when i get a small idea of who i might be... who i wanna be... i'm so fucking wrong. balance is so elusive. a solution is even more tricky. how i do i change? how do i adjust? i can be told over and over again all these things i fuck up, but, if i'm not offered a solution by either the object of accusation or myself... it will always be the same. it won't fucking change. maybe i am self-centered... selfish. i do only write of me... mostly. i don't ponder the weight of anyone else's problems. communication is a dance i apparently fail to execute properly.

i feel like... like i don't even know me. like i'm a fucking stranger. i'm harder on me than anyone has ever been... and, for anyone who knows me... knows that's hard. i'm lost... but, lost is a feeling to which i am accustomed. i don't like it... i'm just used to it.

Kelly Clarkson- Already Gone

Remember all the things we wanted,
Now all our memories, they're haunted.
We were always meant to say goodbye.
Even with our fists held high it,
Never would have worked out right, yeah,
We were never meant for do or die.

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now
I can't stop.

I want you to know,
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And i want you to know,
You couldn't have loved me better
But i want you to move on
So i'm already gone.

Looking at you makes it harder,
But i know that you'll find another,
That doesn't always make you wanna cry.
Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in,
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive.

You know that i love you so
I love you enough to let you go.

I want you to know,
That it doesn't matter,
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go.
And i want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better,
But i want you to move on
So i'm already gone.

I'm already gone
I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone
Already gone.
There's no moving on
So i'm already gone.

Already gone
Already gone
Already gone, oooo, oh
Already gone
Already gone
Already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted,
Now all our memories, they're haunted,
We were always meant to say goodbye.

I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And i want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But i want you to move on
So i'm already gone

I'm already gone
I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone
Already gone
There's no moving on
So i'm already gone...

closure is an elusive beast. it comes unexpected sometimes. i'm certain not everyone welcomes closure. some people would be content forever lingering and being miserable in the process. i'd like to think i am not one of these people. even though i often have tunnel vision. when my mind is set on something... it is set on that thing alone. i will beat it to death. however, closure is welcome. it is a necessary part of my life. i'm not always eloquent in my speech. i stumble frequently. however, in print i am at my best. still, i lack luster at times, and my point is not always broadcast as well as i'd like. but, i'm better here. on this screen or on paper is where i find myself more often than in verbal conversation.

over the course of the last year my life has changed drastically. and i am happier and better for it. i've learned much about myself that i think will help me to be a more adjusted and kind person. i've also come to learn much about my friends. a few months ago, a friend, who i thought was close to me, broke up with me. he did not see our relationship in the same light as i. it's a shame. it's a very sad ordeal. i've toiled and pined over it for weeks saddened by its loss, i've rolled over events in my head a dozen times... hoping something would magically change because i knew it was out of my hands. it was in his hands. small occurrences led me to believe that friendship was possible. now, i know it is not. it is the opposite.

closure. closure is something i've needed to put it all behind me. he gave me closure. several paragraphs of uncensored emotion... unashamed accusation, and down right hurtful words have given me closure. i will long for his approval no more. i feel very good about it now. i am happy and a friend that doesn't appreciate that is not a friend but in fact someone i do not want to know. i am happy. that is enough for me.

so i will not wrestle with who did what or what could have been done differently... no more. no more wishing words had not been said. it's done. and for that... i thank him.

i'm ok now.