inaction is negative action. i've repeated this phrase to many of my friends... to my lover. waiting is a thing americans hate to do most... waiting is so very difficult. but, it is necessary sometimes, most times. i fucking hate waiting. i wonder... waiting on others to act... does this leave me being inactive? am i guilty of negative action as well? maybe so. i'm so busy allowing others to be themselves i'm afraid i'll lose myself. i'll forget what i want.

finding that balance between getting everything i want or nothing at all is so hard. words have to be chosen so delicately... because the balance that seperates us or keeps us together is delicate. why is it so hard to say what i want? i used to know. i think. i think i used to know... maybe i've never known. i know a few things i need. and... one of those things, is i need to hear it. dear diary... i need to hear it. it will make it more real. i will feel the sincerity. i will feel it. what's it? i can't even say it... why do i expect someone else to say it? cause i'm a woman. and i'm flawed and imperfect and utterly lost on love. there is no way i'll ever do everything right. i type it for you. but, it's me that needs to hear it. i have to accept that i'll never be perfect. continuing to strive for perfection will only continue to leave me disappointed in myself. sigh.