what do we all seek? we seek a person that will match our needs. this person will love us as we love them. they will give themselves as we give ourselves. equally. how impossible. there will most certainly be defects. there will be one person that gives more... one that takes more. one will be more invested... one will be less interested. part of being perfect for one another... is learning to live with our flaws. we are all perfectly flawed as human beings. perfectly flawed. flawed in our own ways. i need to be loved for my obsession with my hair... my gullibility, my overly sensitive expectations, my delicate nature and the aversion i have to admitting my nature as such, my mispronunciation of certain words, my dorky dances, and my imperfect face... my everything.

how impossible? as impossible as it gets. is it possible for me to be loved for such things?

if perfection is impossible... boring why then, do i feel such pressure to reach perfection? is it self-imposed? possibly. don't argue. don't fight. don't have feelings. don't have regrets don't get upset. be cool. relax... all things i repeat a million times over to myself. i'm a terrible liar and my emotions are in my eyes apparent and plain to be seen. the worst thing? disappointment. it plagues me heavy like tons of pressure restless on my brow. i never know when it is, and isn't, acceptable to be human...  not a girl... just an imperfect human. when is it ok to cry? when is it ok to be upset? when am i ok? for fuck's sake when. 

i wish i had these answers. they will probably plague me for a lifetime to come... how ever long that may last. i'm so busy letting other people be themselves... i wonder when i can express me. i wonder. i hate to hide. i'll come out of my shell when they come out of theirs. i am me... the volume is turned down is all. whatever. fuck.