happy happy

what is happy? i don't know that i could define happy. but, i can list things, events, people or places that make me happy...

-when you come over... you are on the phone but you tell them to hold on and give me a hug.

-sunshineface works still... will always

-a sunset

-home

i haven't written as much lately. i haven't had things i just had to get out because i was distraught or confused. instead, i've been happy and content. at times, i get restless. i push and pull. i try to create change when change isn't ready. but, when i least expect it... change happens. it's ever so quiet and sweet. i crave those feelings. i pace myself into patience. i'm happy.

happy new year.

i like to write. it seems... i only write internally, though. i don't tackle world or political issues... hunger, poverty, war, or the economy. i wish i were more interested... but, i guess the selfish part of me is quite wrapped up in my own emotions. maybe i'm not as considerate and thoughtful a person as i would assume. . . and here i go to back up that fact...

i often have an overwhelming feeling in my fingertips. they reach out for the thick air surrounding you. it's light and inviting most days... dense and distracted others. but always, always the urge in my stomach remains unchanged. my skin desires to touch you... my eyes to express my feelings. i cannot often do so eloquently. it's fumbled and unorganized when i haven't the time to process my emotions. my emotions are frequently irrational and confusing. i do my best to keep the insanity low. although, i'm crazy about you.

i sit in silence staring at the keys... so much too say. too soon. so goodnight to this post i must profess... i haven't the preparation for such expression...

what do we all seek? we seek a person that will match our needs. this person will love us as we love them. they will give themselves as we give ourselves. equally. how impossible. there will most certainly be defects. there will be one person that gives more... one that takes more. one will be more invested... one will be less interested. part of being perfect for one another... is learning to live with our flaws. we are all perfectly flawed as human beings. perfectly flawed. flawed in our own ways. i need to be loved for my obsession with my hair... my gullibility, my overly sensitive expectations, my delicate nature and the aversion i have to admitting my nature as such, my mispronunciation of certain words, my dorky dances, and my imperfect face... my everything.

how impossible? as impossible as it gets. is it possible for me to be loved for such things?

if perfection is impossible... boring why then, do i feel such pressure to reach perfection? is it self-imposed? possibly. don't argue. don't fight. don't have feelings. don't have regrets don't get upset. be cool. relax... all things i repeat a million times over to myself. i'm a terrible liar and my emotions are in my eyes apparent and plain to be seen. the worst thing? disappointment. it plagues me heavy like tons of pressure restless on my brow. i never know when it is, and isn't, acceptable to be human...  not a girl... just an imperfect human. when is it ok to cry? when is it ok to be upset? when am i ok? for fuck's sake when. 

i wish i had these answers. they will probably plague me for a lifetime to come... how ever long that may last. i'm so busy letting other people be themselves... i wonder when i can express me. i wonder. i hate to hide. i'll come out of my shell when they come out of theirs. i am me... the volume is turned down is all. whatever. fuck.