is it me? i wonder? have i pushed them away? if i have... i wish someone would tell me. it will only get worse in silence. . . inaction is negative action. i can't stress that enough. it's true. i think if you sit back in that chair of yours, remove your hand from the mouse and ponder the thought, you'll come to the conclusion... that i'm right. i like to be aware of my inadequacies and maybe i can compensate for them. i'm quite reasonable. i can't fix or change anything unless i'm aware. it's just a fact. don't fucking mad at me for something i don't know i'm doing. i don't want to hurt those i care about. i don't want to upset them. i don't. i fucking don't. i'm getting more and more upset with each letter i bang out on the keyboard... at 70 wpm.... that's quite angry.

it makes me want to cry... thinking of the relationships that could have been saved by communication. friends, boyfriends, family... even work relationships. the wall around me is high. the barb wire strong. the guards relentless. but, when you are let in... i am hospitable. i try to be anyway.. i think that is all that can be expected of anyone... EFFORT. without effort nothing is possible.

then again... if the same result is not desired... well, wait... i was going to say that no effort is required. but, if i want something i'm going to go after it and i'm a demanding and pushy bitch so it's going to take effort to deflect me. so yea... it's even impossible to ignore me without effort. humph. so there you have it... tell me i'm wrong and i swear, if i care about you, i'll try to fix it. i'll try to repair anything that i am capable of mending. i will. because, i want to. 

fuck.