i should crawl back into bed today. today isn't even supposed to be hard. today isn't the day. what the fuck. i wish to skip past all this... skip to a simpler time. i wonder, will i want simpler times or do i enjoy the chaos that i feel today? how could i? wouldn't that be considered masochistic? maybe. maybe i like the scars... they remind me of how i was once loved. i miss the warmth in my stomach... the light in my eyes. it's gone now. i don't know if i can have it back. i don't know if i'm allowed.

it's too fucking quiet in here. i need noise. i need... something. i can't take it either. i have to wait for it to be given and i'm impatient as hell. my body is sullen and reluctant. i just want to crawl back into bed. sleep through tomorrow and the next. wait for it to be morning on some other day. just not today... just not tomorrow.

what if i spend my life waiting? waiting for tomorrow? waiting for something to change... i'll waste myself on 'what if's'... i'll drown in my fear. we all will. why do i let another dictate my actions? that's so foolish. it's too... risky. i've rested with another and neglected those who i KNOW will be there... who give me exactly what i need and more. foolish.

take what you want, dammit.

my heart beat is sluggish.