expectations

i am a woman. and, generally, expected to be... feminine, graceful, sweet, soft-spoken, agreeable, cook, clean, sew, weak, unintelligent, and dependent. i know that these are not all encompasing... but, are generally expected. when a woman has emotions... she's crazy. if she's devoid of emotion... she's manly.

i am a woman.

i am strong, independent, emotional, outspoken, smart, defiant, demanding, and almost never sweet. i am responsible. i say when i'm wrong. i say when i'm right... which, is often. i don't cook. i don't clean obsessively. i can sew... i don't like to sew. i'm not your typical woman, i guess. i have emotions that even i don't understand. i know that it's ok to stray from the norm. i know that it's ok to be who i am. yet, i have overwhelming feelings of guilt when i cannot comply. when i have emotions that might bother others... make them uncomfortable or cause them to think, to work harder... i feel guilty. i don't know why. maybe it's because i have spent half a decade plus keeping things hidden. sucking it up and masking myself such that i am gone. i have created another creature. this creature is unsure of her own feelings. she... is lost in emotion. it twists her with steam and creates smoke where there is no fire.

maybe. maybe, i'm just a woman afterall. who knows. who knows if i make and sense to anyone but myself. i hope that this... this synopsis helps me to analyze myself. maybe then, i'll see me. maybe i'll see the real me and not the one i want to be... or the one i've created. maybe. maybe life is just all bullshit and it doesn't matter anyway. maybe i should just spit my heart's desires from the tip of my tongue... into your ears. maybe no one pressures me more than me.

maybe i should shut up. maybe one day i'll know. i'll just hang on to my hope... for as long as possible.