mind over matter?

i loved once, whole heartedly. with everything in me. i gave my heart. i gave my body. and, most difficult of all, i gave my mind. i had glorious feelings of freedom; my whole life seemed... light. it seemed to fade into the background. i was so in love... i was so happy. butterflies... definitely. tangled fingers and sweaty palms were the simpliest and most enjoyable of luxuries. i miss terribly those feelings. i'm uncertain if i'm lucky enough for a repeat. at its end, first love was horrifyingly painful. i've never felt such pain. it was the most unfathomable of events. i couldn't believe that it had been ripped from me as pages are torn from spiral notebooks. it didn't break cleanly. it left shards of useless paper draped across my heart. my mind clouded. my hands hurt. my stomach ached. there was no consoling me and i thought if i layed long enough the world might begin again. maybe my pain would fade. but, alas, it never has and i feel it still. i think i'll always love him. i think it may be something i'll have to accept... and live with.

i loved twice, half assedly. i gave my heart. i gave my body. but, my mind stayed hidden. i never gave away my secrets. i never let him in. i always felt a little voice in me saying, "it will never work; pack the cement tighter." so, the walls around me grew. tall, smooth and solid they became. there is no scaling them. no breaching. no invitation. i have never truly longed for his touch or hand. i've always been... indifferent to his pressence. his stretching to reach for me in bed made me cringe. why did i say yes? i couldn't answer that with any certainty. i'd probably be reaching anyway. i'm breaking fairly clean and unscathed. is this my fault? this failure? should i have waited? maybe the first was too fresh... maybe, just maybe, i'm scarred and will never feel such defining love again. that's a sad thought.

so... mind over matter. i can make myself believe anything.

it's not really cold; it's all in your head.

my muscles are not failing; push through the pain.

you won't fall for him; it's only an obsession and infatuation fades.

these are all simpleton aspects... in the grander scheme things are much more serious. i've molded my mind to believe that i only need me, love does not last, and i'll only get hurt again. so, is mind over matter always a positive thing? i'm certain the answer is "no". for surely i will regret locking myself away inside for only the mirror to see. i'd like to fall madly in love. i'd like to feel stupid dumb crazy in love. i'd like to explode from my fingertips to my gut. i just hope that my mindset isn't so stubborn to see what's there or what's waiting to be found.

my reflection
shows no truth.
a pair plain eyes
lost their roots.