don't make the mistake of asking some one to digest your actions. you'll be disappointed. they say they won't judge. they say it's not their place. they lie. no one will understand you, like you.
you'd like to think... you'd try not to repeat your mistakes. it's all i want. i want to be wrong. being right, hurts. being right makes me feel like a fraud. i can't be her. i can't be her.

fallible
are my temerarious
decisions

i'll pretend... for far too long. possibly waste myself. then, i'll try to recover. i'll try to forget. i'll try to forget.................. that i can't remember.

What I Cannot Change - Leann Rimes

I know what makes me comfortable
And I know what makes me tick
And I when I need to get my way
I know how to pour it on thick

Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I awake
I face the day, and pray to God
I won’t make the same mistakes

All the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, yeah I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

Yeah I don’t know my father
Or my mother well enough
It seems like every time we talk
We can’t get past the little stuff

The pain is self-inflicted
I know it’s not good for my health
But it’s easier to please the world
Than it is to please myself

All the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change,
yeah I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

Right now I can’t care about how everyone else really feels
I have enough hurt of my own to heal

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, yeah I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

i hate it when he holds my hand. it makes me feel lost.

Waiting is all I have,
Waiting...
Smiling through the chorus,
Sobbing the verses...
Hiding,
Anticipating,
Each word
Every letter
Making up memories...
All I am is pretending,
Pretending
Pretending
Faking the crowd
Showing my façade...
My façade
Is perfected
Flawless and deceiving...
Wanting is all I have
Wanting
All I am is Waiting...
I am fantastically well versed
with misconception.
Deception....
... don't... believe... a... word... I... write.

girl like me

you don't owe me an explanation. why would you? i don't care where you were or why you didn't call. stop that talking and kiss me. don't complicate it. just kiss me.

i want nothing of a relationship. i just want to use you.

can i use you? i promise you'll smile. timing is insignificant. love doesn't matter. only touch. don't talk. quench this thirsty woman. that is your only mission.
i could spend an hour compiling a list of what i'd let you do to me. i would not finish quickly.

don't promise me anything... darlin', you don't need a girl like me...

Girl Like Me- Miranda Lambert



You don't need a girl like me

I've got bruises you can't see

And when the lights go out

I won't be around



You don't need a girl like me



You can't have a heart like mine

But you can hold it for a while

and when the lights go out

I won't be around



You can't have a heart like mine



There's a rule that goes unwritten

And I break it from time to time

If you're fool enough to listen

Then I'm fool enough to lie



That's the kind of girl I am

I take off before I land

And even though you think you can

You can't change the way I am



Cause the rule remains unwritten

I still break it from time to time

If you're fool enough to listen

Then I'm fool enough to lie

You can't change the way I am



You don't need a girl like me

into the future with present feelings

the dalai lama said western love was undefined because "we look to the future with present feelings." this makes my mind clear. i've spent a few years trying to feel what i once felt for only moments. it is gone.

i want to go back there.

correction: i want to want to go back there.

i want to be myself again. she's been caged far too long. i can't keep her there any longer. i love her too much. she's out. she's ragin'. i can't stop it. i can't sit and watch TV. i can't pretend anymore. i can't. i can't. i want a life alone. i've been lying to myself too long. i've been lying to everyone too long. the picture perfect that is us... will shatter. i will disappoint. i will cry. i will pity myself. i will. i know. it's inevitable. it will happen.

i've always known this isn't me. i don't belong here. i belong in the sunset. that's my home. i need it. i want it.

oh my god. i think i might explode. i think i might just erupt. i'm in the fire. i don't want to be cooled. i want to burn up. i want to... die of smoke inhalation. it feels so good. so intoxicating.

the worst thing?
i'm going to crush him.

i wonder...

when guilt begins.

with the rain........ and way you touch me

it's difficult to focus on a separate subject.

it's all i think about.

however.
let me clarify. sex is not all i want.
i wouldn't be a woman if i didn't desire more.

i want you to bite me
tease me
make me wait for it...

your patience and control
turns me on

i want you to watch me
quiver and
tremble
look in my eyes and see the need
see them begging you

these are all things i want

kiss me
kiss me again
don't stop kissing me

drag your hands down the sides of my body
your finger tips up my back
wrap them in my hair
tell me i'm sexy

slow down take your time with me
make this go on forever
these are things i want

worry not... it's stops here.

i want you naked or not at all.

Be Still- kelly Clarkson

far away from it all
you and me with no one else around
a brand new start
it's all we need it's all we need
to mend these hearts
back to the beginning

be still
let it go

before we lost hope
when we still touched
and love wasn't so hard

be still
i already know

foolish one witht he smile
you don't have to be brave
every time we fall down
but we're fallin' from Grace
i'll gladly climb your walls
if you'll meet me half way

slow, slow it down
why do we run we're missing so much
babe, just lay in my arms for a while

and be still
we should've known

foolish one with the smile
you don't have to be brave
i'll gladly climb your walls
if you'll meet me half way
every time we fall down
but, we're falling from Grace

here's my hand in my heart
it's yours to take

be still
be still
be still now

on the other hand

you... have no reason to trust me. we only just met. i have no cause to trust you. we only just met. however... despite our respective relationship status' we haven't any cause for mistrust.

so... when i pledge a certain something. it's true.

trust me. or take my word for it. whichever you like.

paranoia is unbecoming.

leave it at the door.

i'll check my crazy-woman-gene. (of course i'll need it back).

wear your cowboy hat

i've got on my tight jeans

we'll both wear disguises.

meet me

meet me

meet me

and we'll make believe together.

sometimes... you have to jump off the moutain to see if you might live. i might come out beaten and bruised. scars will always be there. the hard thing is to walk away. it would be easy to stay. to remain in a lie.

worst part?

i don't know if the other party has any idea.

he must...

feel me pulling. who knows. i won't have my own life until goodbyes have been said. it will be some time. some time from now i will. i will be free.

Carrie Underwood- Starts With Goodbye

I was sitting on my doorstep,
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,
But I knew I had to do it,
And he wouldn't understand,
So hard to see myself without him,
I felt a piece of my heart break,
But when you're standing at a crossroad,
There's a choice you gotta make.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

Time...
Time heals,
The wounds that you feel,
Somehow,
but right now.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye,

I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
Starts with goodbye,
The only way you try to find,
It's sad but, Moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

wine and eyes

wine makes me think crazy thoughts
it makes the cold not hurt as much
my fingers are numb as i type
i can barely make out the words
maybe it's the cold
maybe the wine
who knows......................

all i do know
is what i've known for some time now
i want what i want when i want it
for shame i cannot have it
i want to have my skirt around my waist
wall against my face
my senses focused on your fingers
moving up
my thigh
playing with my eyes
onlookers say

oh hell

but we say

who cares

your eyes turn me on- he says
i'll close them...
my imagination is all i need
your finger tips find
under my skirt
i'm bare

your breathing increases
my unintentional whimper gets louder

tell me what you want
i'll give

you'll give if i ask
i might beg
if you ask

anytime
anyplace
your mouth
anywhere
everywhere
it's too intense for you?

i shudder away the thought

no shirts

skin on skin
they're watching

so

i don't care

me either

i don't care who's around

continue..............................

wine and a look are a dangerous combo for me. i've the tendency for intensity. high intensity. sometimes too much. i don't mean it on purpose. it's just my nature. i can't help it. i want it. i love intensity. i love intense eyes. i do. ohhhh i do. i love exaggeration. i desire it... i long for it. once i get it... i'll want it over and over. so, be careful if you unleash the beast. there is no putting her back in her cage. she'll rampage. she'll terrorize. until you're exhausted. you'll think you've died. i don't think i've known many like me. don't think that'll change. don't think my intensity can be matched... i love an ellipsis. i love to wonder what's missing. i love suspense. humph. i can't wait. but, i must... so, i shall. wait. anxious as ever. desiring more than ever. desirable? maybe.

i want someone to make me beg for it.

uncertainty is exciting and frustrating as all hell.

i can feel it i can feel it i can feel it now

the cold dry wall against my back

goosebumps

not from the temperature outside

but the mouth on my neck

the tingle

the taste

an exciting combination

i can feel it i can feel it i can feel it now

my shirtless back on a cold dry wall

too tempted

temp·ta·tion [temp-tey-shuhn]
–noun
1. the act of tempting; enticement or allurement.
2. something that tempts, entices, or allures.
3. the fact or state of being tempted, esp. to evil.
4. an instance of this.


temptation... torture? yes maybe a form of it. but if it's torture...why do i enjoy it so?

i have a secret

picture perfect = failure.

say a little or a lot

however much i am enjoying my uncertain existence, one thing is clear... i can't help the way i look at certain people. i may give a bit of myself away even if it's unintentional. i need to stop. i may run out of me. that'd be a shame. a deep breath and a just too long locked look flushes my face and raises my hair. it's at inappropriate times and people on occasion, i'm afraid. i've got to stop. i don't know how. it's part of me. the measure of attraction is in the hands of my object. it is all dependent upon the length of stare. they may be able to hold it for just a moment or longer... it's rare i break first. so... if you see a set of eyes with a glimmer inside, hold that stare, so much can be said and you don't want to miss a thing.

John Mayer- Say

take out of your wasted honor
every little past frustration
take all your so called problems
better put 'em in quotations
say what you need to say
say what you need to saaaaay...

walking like a one man army
fighting with the shadows in your head
living out the same old moment
knowing you'd be better off instead

if you could only
say what you need to say
say what you need to saaaaay...

have no fear
for giving in
have no fear
for getting over
you better know that in the end
it's better to say too much
then never to say what you need to say again

even if your hands are shaking
and your faith is broken
even as the eyes are closing
do it with a heart wide open... wide...

say what you need to say
say what you need to
say what you need to
say what you need to say...

erotic poetry?

i see you seeing me
don't think i've missed it
watching you watching me
fuels my ignition
an explosion of
nerves
firing and misfiring
don't think it's overlooked
when
our X and Y combine
eruption
a natural disaster
destroyed clothes
and mangled sheets
evidence of our gathering
...spread about...

i might move a mountain with my eye

seas with both

little effort is required

i like uncertainty. i used to be certain. it was pleasing for a time. now... dull. dulling. the unknown idea is far more interesting. i like to pretend i'm another person (just like everyone else) and i'm unaffected. unaffected by society's expectation of my gender. i fell prey to it. i'm now working my way out of that big fucking hole. if something doesn't feel right, it isn't. if you don't fight, you don't care. i'm not going to spend the rest of my life trying to defy expectation. i'm just going... to do what i want. even though, that is unclear.

you could move a mountain with my eye

a planet with both

don't spend your life trying

you come out beneath the sea

Ever wake up and realize not one spec of your life is what you intended? Not me. I never intended anything. My motives are pure because I never had any. I never planned anything. I think it best. I think if I would have planned my life, it might be very different. I think it impossible for a teenager to know what the next 50 years should hold. Yes. Foolish to assume we know where we will be in 20 years, 10, 15... 5. I have no idea. Maybe I like the excitment of every day unexpected. Or... maybe, I just don't want to plan because I don't want to fail. Maybe.

Bleeding Love- Leona Lewis

Closed off from love
I didn’t need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you’re frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone’s looking round
Thinking I’m going crazy

But I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and

I Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love

You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing’s greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I’m going crazy, maybe, maybe

But I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing

You cut me open and I....
Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love

You cut me open

And it’s draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I’ll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see

I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing

You cut me open and I....
Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love

You cut me open and I....

Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love

You cut me open and
I Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love

he said to her

all i need are your eyes.
nothing else.
i can break down the basic necessities
and how i need them not.

i don't need food
or water.
i don't have time for anything
but searching for your stare.
you are few feet from me
and i am full.

i don't need sleep.
i see you
and i am
revived.

i don't need exercise.
one casual look,
my heart rate rises and falls
with the intensity and duration of your glances.

i don't need shelter.
in our eye lock
i am vulnerable,
protected.

i don't need dreams.
my fantasies are fueled by,
possibility.

i don't need to touch you.
i've never touched you.
contact would only
increase my desire.

do not offer more.
i don't need it.

you want more proof?

i make excuses to walk past you.
i pretend i need something else
but like i've explained...
it's just your eyes.

i focus on nothing
else but,
our next exchange.

fleeting as it seems,
i think of it for hours.
yet i need just another
glimpse.

always,
just one more glimpse.
to hold me over.

all for not. all for not.

all i want are your eyes
(since no other part is available).