I'm willing to bet about 85% of the human race never find their place. Why do I think I should be on the other side? Why should I be so special and lucky? I envy those who find their place with talent (voice, music, athletics, business, writing, motherhood, whatever). I'm decent at many things in life, but not nearly masterful in one of them. This makes happiness in a living difficult. It also makes me indecisive. I haven't been able to pick which moderate skill to enhance. It's so stupid. The human race will see its downfall in searching for purpose.

I'd like to know where my instruction booklet was lost. I don't know the road to any where, and I can't find the one to my soul. Stupid. Why do I feel the need to find it? Purpose. It will kill me.

"Lord, make me a rainbow

I'll shine down on my Mother.

She'll know I'm safe with you

when she stands under my colors."

Exert from If I Die Young--The Band Perry

How is it possible that on the day America declared its independence, I find myself lacking it?

The Wind must be lonely.

I listen as she howls at the trees,

and whispers through my hair.

Her voice, a silent emptiness.

Her touch, warm weightlessness.

I ignore her when she's weakest

and sometimes curse her strength.

She must be lonely,

with only leaves for company.

I admire her relentless pursuit

as she travels to change her fate.

Her future is an unalterable forever.

Her future is certain. Solitary.

The Wind, she flows through me, completely.

I feel her fill me, lightly.

but, she will always be, empty.

The Wind must be lonely.

i was driving yesterday in the rain. i was thinking of the new direction my life is headed, and the other places it's been. i've spent a lot of time with people who didn't share the same goals as i. some have had goals of career and self growth. things like appearance, travel and position were more important to them. i was labeled as "unambitious". but, my ambition is focused in another, more important area of life... LOVE. how pointless would a trip to Italy or Peru seem if you had no one with which to share it and no one to tell your stories with you? how silly would your fortune be if you lived in a house not full of family, but servants? how foolish to rely on your looks... when they fade.

LOVE. this is where i will succeed. i will build a mountain of it and be rich. i won't swim in one hundred dollar bills, but soak in bubble bathes of kisses. i will be the more fortunate one.

and, finally, i've found someone who feels the same. so, i drove down the road listening to the rain hit the window and thought of all the mistakes i've made that led me astray... it hit me. this is always where i've been headed. i wasn't ready yet. i just took the route of lessons because i had to learn a few before i could be ready. i'm ready now.

disrespect. i feel it far too often. the vanity that people have is so disgraceful and pitiful. i am not above this vanity. i feel it at times too, and i also feel the shame that should and does accompany it. i believe i'm worthy of respect in this work place, yet i do not get it. the balance of work is so far off. how frustrating.

i do have a consolation prize however... i'm out of here in 28 days. in 28 days i get to tell them, "peace out bitches." and, here's the vain and selfish part... pieces of me will get some morbid satisfaction knowing my office will fall to pieces as soon as i've left the threshold of the building for the last time. some pieces... mostly, however, i truly hope that someone with some very large feet can fill these shoes. i don't want it to fall apart. i don't want them to fail. i just want them to know that they'd taken me for granted. that's a silly desire... but it still exists.

and, on a completely different note... i'm in a terrible state of missing today. i can't get out of it. it's definitely got my cranky level up. the rain and my lack of desire to do any work is making the days drag. i want my love now. i do not wish to wait, but i know he's worth it. i feel like i'm just sitting around waiting for my new life to begin.

you know what's the most tragic part of not believing in god? knowing that in the end, all you have is your memories. all you have left when you die is knowledge of your own actions. there is no god left to judge you. understanding that and really putting it into perspective is damn near devastating, which i suppose, is why many feel the need to believe in god. i will not fall prey to this safety net. the only one left after i'm gone to judge me will be me, if i even have any sort of consciousness.

i have little fits sometimes. i burst into tears. they are currently streaming the mascara down my cheeks. these little moments of feeling like i'm the only one who knows me are so fucking terrifying. i type it out, scream it out, sometimes, and cry it out. in the end i force myself to see that it's ok if that's how it ends up. afterall, everyone can say what they want about me and in the end, i'll know which rumor is truth. i know that i have to trust that i present myself as me and that i like me. other people may not, but i do. i know a few other people that also like me.i also know that some people may not see the same person i see in the mirror. but, that's to be expected, right? i mean... no one knows what it's like when i'm alone. no one knows if i pick my nose or fart loudly. no one. so, it would be impossible for anyone to know my true intentions. i can only try to convey them and i am saddened if they are misread. but, i can't force it.

even though i do not have my own god to judge me at my death, i am my own judge. i am my own jury and i know how i've conducted myself. i know the things of which i'm regretful and proud. i know the person i need to be even though i do not have consequence hanging over my head. i answer for my sins only to me.

i won't let someone else make me a monster. i won't let you get me to hate. so, i will try to listen to my mother when she told me, "You can't worry about what other people think." she is wise indeed.

"the Simpsons" and "friends" are both very funny shows. both feature or featured lovable characters and heart warming relationships. i watched them both. "friends" only lasted seven or so seasons and "the Simpsons" will likely hit 20 before its cancellation (if it hasn't already).

"the Simpsons" is a cartoon, which allows its characters to remain indefinitely unchanged. no matter how stupid Homer acts or how many pigs he adopts to walk on the ceiling, Marge cleans up hoof prints and still loves him. she always takes him back no matter how stupid an act he committed. the kids never grow old, the family always stays together and the comedy never changes.

"friends" had the human factor, which is by nature flawed. everything changed constantly. we weren't happy with the show without controversy and change. but, the show ended because change was unavoidable. the characters MUST grow. the writers didn't have a choice. the characters had to both grow and remain. how complicated? i believe that is why there was always an understanding that Chandler would end up with Monica and Ross with Rachel. it was foreshadowed in the first episode and it was such in the very last. so, they changed constantly, but remained constant in the end. like i said, complicated.

so, for one show change MUST occur and the other change was impossible yet both shows were successful. but, the one that removed change from the equation remains successful. i can only ponder why, but i suppose it's because our society needs happy endings. each episode is, for the most part, a happy ending. they start off a family, there is controversy that Bart or Homer creates, then all is well in the end. they accomplish that in 30 minutes! well, probably 24 minutes to include time for commercials. it's idealized perfectly for endurance. it's what we all want. we all want love and life that is enduring and everlasting. the promise of it in a crude cartoon gives us love, life and laughter hidden inside suggestive and dirty jokes.

the creator of that show is a fucking genius.

i hope the change i'm about to make is one that was previously outlined for me. i don't like to believe i don't have control over my own fate. however, i like to think i would have bumped into my knight, whom i love dearly, regardless of location or time. i think i'm as close to "meant to be" as one might ever dare to dream. i'm putting my eggs in this basket and i'm asking that they never rot. when i say it like that, it sounds like a long shot. but, why does it feel like i am on a business trip now and i'm just waiting to go home?

i am an attention whore.

that dawned on me as i attempted to drift off to sleep tonight. i am an attention whore. i don't require attention from random passing persons, but when it comes to my loved ones... mother, sisters, friends, or lover i require a lot of attention.

i haven't decided how much of a character flaw this is yet; i am just aware of its existence now.

heart-mending

i remember thinking, more than half a year ago, "this is going to be hard." i was referring to mending a broken heart. it was so difficult in the past... i remember the emotional and physical pain as if it happened only a year ago and not a decade. the rotting my stomach felt is pain that can never be forgotten. i expected and was prepared to be obliterated. i thought my heart would be broken in every sense of the word. i wasted time with someone who was uninterested in building anything... he was only interested in burning everything. what a waste.

but, on the way to work today i thought, wait... to say i wasted time may not be accurate. i could have definitely been spending the time in more productive and constructive ways, but it cannot be altered now. it's better to look at the lessons learned rather than life lost... and the lessons will not be wasted on me. and i will live a fuller life because of it. so, maybe i've only gained. i do not think of what i lost anymore. so, it was more of a heart-mending. i don't think i had ever recovered from my first heart break... even if i have now, i'm not sure. i do know though, that what i thought was going to occur did not. and now, my second love only helped me recover from my first. out of the other side i've come... not a bruised and frightened girl but, rather, a positive and proud woman. i know now, more than ever, who i am and what i want. i really think that will only continue to develop. i may never fully understand me, but i have more tools for the dissection of my own mind and emotions and i'll practice with them everyday. my third love will only be stronger and will benefit from my past. i won't let him suffer for what others have done. it will be the love of my life.

i'm hopeful... not regretful.

the point of life i may never know... but it has to include LIVING it in there some where. this is what I intend to do and i'm going to love as much and as hard as i can.

sometimes irrationality washes over me. it's so frustrating to look in the mirror and ask, "what is wrong with you?" and not have the answer. i act so strangely. i hate not having an answer when a sincere, "is everything ok?" is asked. i hate it. i feel as though i don't explain myself well. that's so freaking frustrating. i search myself for answers to inquiring eyes. i want to give them so badly, but my lips come out empty.

irrationality. that's usually the answer, but it's a shitty reason. shouldn't i be able to never have that problem? i mean, i acknowledge that it's there, see it happening and feel it approaching, yet i can do nothing to stop it. i can temper it after it's arrived, but i can't shut it out completely. i should have more control than that over myself. i should have an interrupt. i need a remote... universal, which would control all my emotions both happy and sad. a mute button, channel switch and pause are all things that might come in handy.

but, alas... i don't have such a remote. nor do i have understanding, entirely, of my emotions. i hope that it's ok. i know that others won't understand it either, so i'll have to deal with some rejection. some, however, will love me for my flaws. i just hope that i can be one of those people.

it hasn't been all that long, but i feel like i've been living without you for a decade.

Love + Condition = False Love

i will love you when:

-i'm gloriously happy
-you bring me flowers
-you love me
-the sun is shining
-nothing breaks down
-all chores are done
-everything is perfect

i will love you when all conditions are prime and everything is perfect you will have all my love. i will be smiling and happy and everything with seem like heaven. i will love you when those conditions are met.

i will love you when:

-you don't feel well
-i am grumpy
-i can't have all of your attention
-we can't decide on dinner
-you say the wrong thing
-our pasts get in the way
-you forget the milk, don't take out the trash, fall asleep while i'm talking, steal the covers and snore... because you are tired.

i will love you when all of these conditions are met. i will love you all the time. things will never be perfect.

my love knows nothing of fleeting.
my heart knows nothing of conditional.

i will love you:

-always.

i found myself in accidental search of you.

it's good to feel deserving. i don't really know why i ever felt less than worthy. i know i can't have everything i want... but, dammit, i'm getting close. love has always driven me. i've given up a lot of me for things other men wanted or needed. i don't want that to be a condition of someone's love for me again. it's a bit of a catch, though. i mean, i don't want to be expected to sacrifice for someone else and if i don't, be ridiculed for it. and, at the same time, if my lover really is my lover, then he will want to sacrifice for me and, in turn, i'll want to give everything to him. although no sacrifice will be necessary. we'll be gaining so much more than either would lose.

i want to make you so happy... and it's partly a result of how happy you want to make me... how happy you MAKE me. i can't wait until i can get to the business of being blissful with you. i want not to worry about time tables. i want only to be... happy. no need to marry or make public proclamations (although, i want the world to know); i don't think it will be difficult to discern from the outside.

i don't ask Fate questions anymore. i don't care to determine where you came from or where you've been. i only care that you are here. and i want to revel in the present in the future... everyday. i can't wait to get there. i'll keep my patience under control as often as possible. my skin longs to know yours so badly that my fingers explode at the thought of being on your cheek.

/sigh.

soon.

unpublished insecurity

i struggle with insecurity a lot. there are no reasons for this pesky emotion? idea? i'm not sure how it is defined. i'd have to look it up but for the sake of sincerity in this post, i won't until i've concluded it. i've had so much time to do something different... so much wasted time. but, i sit with malcontent in my office glaring at the back of my bosses head. even in a mindless job such as this, i am insecure. i'm focused on the lack of appreciation. i do not know why. why do i care if this man i do not respect... who does not respect me... gives a rat's ass about what i do on my down time? i don't know. insecurity. i need praise even from the weakest of people because he is the only one there to give me that praise.

instead... it's things like this:

Me: (muffled and under my breath cause it wasn't meant for another's ears) "my pants are pissing me off."

Him: "Take 'em off."

SERIOUSLY.

that's not the only example i can give. i have this overwhelming desire need for you to look at me. i'm aware it's not always rational. i'm not sure it will go away. i love the feeling too much. when you look at me, i feel a soft burn. it feel so good and i am satiated. when you look away, i have a sad place in my heart, and i am immediately in need of your attention again. greedy. yes, greedy i am. needy? maybe. i don't know. i'm not angry. just greedy. i want more of what makes me feel good. and you make my heart catch fire; my ribs might melt any moment from the steam rising. i'm not so sure this is insecurity... maybe it's just greediness. who knows. i'm in no place to determine. i do know, it feels crazy wonderful and a bit terrifying. i don't want to ever loose those feelings.

___________________________________________

2/12/09: (i hated this time; i was trying so hard... and i was working toward nothing)

"your heart pulses swiftly,

hidden and discrete."

8/4/09: (i want so exposed at this time.)

"i think i've been free failing for long enough. i've kept my eyes closed and prayed desperately to no one for a soft landing. it doesn't feel as spontaneous and exhilarating as one might think.

i just want to be trusted."

both short posts i've never published. insecurity. i don't know why i was so insecure. i knew the object of my subject would never read them. he never read my writings. he didn't care. maybe that was it? maybe i need him to read because i couldn't tell him how i felt. i know there are more unpublished. some are much longer. more words never said aloud... but said to a blank piece of paper that would not judge or criticize. i think that's key for me... to be able to yell at someone, and not have them yell back.

at any rate, it's just more insecurity. more insecurity that i'd like to overcome some how. i think you'll help me with that... even without trying. with your smoldering stare and generous glances i get a bit to warm me up... keep me company until you get here. i love the way you say, "babe." Gah. I love it.

i.am.bubbling.over.with.excitement.

my love knows nothing of fleeting

my heart rests
and waits.
patient.
no anxious beating-
my love knows nothing
of fleeting.
enraptured by the hand
stroking my cheek,
with a certain savoring affection,
reality seems to intrude,
the flaming fear in my eyes meets
the calm satiating burn, in yours,
reluctance is sucked away in a moment's blink.
the blue pulsing my veins
reddens,
and so proceeds
inevitable glorious falling.