i hate the taste of tears.
they bubble in my eyes.
and burn cuts on my face.
black rain drops
streak my cheeks.
they reach the corners
of my mouth and sneak in.
i hate the taste of sadness.

the words i write are not intended to manipulate. why do i feel this is somehow their undesired result? is my "gift" of written word not that at all? but a rather sharp weapon guilty of unintentional sabotage? i can force someone to see something they would otherwise refuse. then, minds are changed... feelings hurt, possibly. and lives altered. no, not intended. the intended is inspiration... thought provocation. phrases like "what are you thinking?" are attempts to collect said hopeful inspiration. however, feedback is not necessary, but no doubt, welcome. i often pause in conversation in an effort to find proper words to express myself. this only fills my own need to be heard and surely not some conscious plot to extract the answer i want... right? i don't know who i'm asking. i don't think i'll get answer... this, this is an answer i'd like to know. it is not a random question posed to no one. it is also not intended for one single soul. still, i don't bate my breath for a response.

a life alone is not a life at all, it seems.
_______________________________

i've yet to decypher the meaning in the song, but i find it sad and beautiful. the music... erotic and sensitive.

Closer- Kings of Leon

Stranded in this spooky town
Stoplight is swaying and the phone lines are down
Snow is crackling cold
She took my heart, I think she took my soul
With the moon I run
Far from the carnage of the fiery sun

Driven by the strangle of vain
Showing no mercy I'd do it again
Open up your eyes
You keep on crying
Baby I'll bleed you dry
Skies are blinking at me
I see a storm bubbling up from the sea

And it's coming closer
And it's coming closer

You shimmy-shook my boat
Leaving me stranded all in love on my own
Do you think of me
Where am I now
Baby where do I sleep
Feels so good but I'm old
2000 years of chasing taking its toll

And it's coming closer
And it's coming closer
And it's coming closer
And it's coming closer

save me

i often sing this song in the car or at home. i listen to the words and imagine who they apply to... who would i save? and, on the way to work today, i realized i ought to be singing in front of a mirror. i want so badly to be saved by someone. i need to rescue myself.

Save You- Kelly Clarkson

I can tell
I can tell how much you hate this
And deep down inside you know it's killing me
I can call wish you well and try to change this
But nothing I can say would change anything

Where were my senses?
I left them all behind
Why did I turn away?
Away

I wish I could save you
I wish I could say to you
I'm not going nowhere
I wish I could say to you
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright

Didn't mean
Didn't mean to leave you stranded
Went away cause I didn't want to face the truth
Reaching out
Reach for me
Empty handed
You don't know if I care
You're trying to find the proof

There were times I'd wonder
Could I have eased your pain?
Why did I turn away?
Away

I wish I could save you
I wish I could say to you
I'm not going nowhere
I wish I could say to you
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright
Save you
It's gonna be alright
I wish I could save you

We can pretend nothing's changed
Pretend it's all the same
And there will be no pain
Tonight

It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright
Save you

It's gonna be alright
I wish I could save you
I'm not going nowhere
I wish I could say to you
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright
Save you
It's gonna be alright
I wish I could save you
It's gonna be alright

trust. i just want to be trusted. i'm not. instead... emotions are censored and overdone as they are released to me. my emotions are raw, irrational at times and real.

which is the sin?

shaping your thoughts to fit into a perfect safe emotional box? editing your feelings so that no one ever sees you? i mean REALLY sees you?

or, honest and often expression of true feeling? it might be irrational at times, but it's most important trait is honesty. the best part... everyone knows how i feel. could also be seen as the worst part. but, i can't spend my entire life being scared for someone to see me... really see me. i'm more terrified that i will never be seen.

so, i'll put myself out there. i'll make sure i'm not terrified of everyone the rest of my life. i'll trust others with my heart. and, if it gets broken, i'll mend it.

Q: Tell me something about yourself that you wouldn't tell most people.

A: I don't miss my dad. I know I ought to miss him or have some resentment built up against him, but I don't. At least, I don't think I do. I can't pinpoint any if I sit down and think long and hard about it. I know there is a fundamental life skill I'm lacking because he was not in my life for very long... but, never having known this function has allowed me never to miss it. I'm sure my life is affected by the absence of a male figure in the household or whatever... But, what it is, I don't know. I do know that I would have loved him. I do know that I would miss loving him when he died. Of that I'm sure because I've known love. If it's known me is another question. If it's aware... if it breathes, I do believe so, but would not assume it has breathed my name. So, the first love from a man a girl experiences has not been in my life. I guess I've never been certain of the signs of a man's love. Maybe that's what I'm lacking?

So, if asked my answer would be "No." I do not miss my father. But, I miss what I never knew: His Love.

I'm more needy on certain days... like when it rains. It's somber drizzle, for some reason, makes the amount tenderness I need increase. It also increases my sensitivity to the lack of it.

I'm not sure there is a solution to this problem. How frustrating.

insatiable

i don't think my lips have ever been happier and insatiable. i can't get enough hugs or kisses... enough smiles or heavy sighs. i can't listen to enough heart beats. because, they are all limited. the number i'm allotted is not as high as i would like. although, i'm sure my heart would never be satisfied. that's the point, isn't it? to ALWAYS want these things from this one individual? when you stop wanting them, well, it's time to find what you want elsewhere, i guess. i'm not there yet. i'm still in the category of desire... uncontrollable, inconsolable desire. i long for long hugs and soft kisses... when i have them and when i don't. i hope to always have this desire. it's exhausting and exciting. it's frustrating and facinating. it's glorious. my eyes beam luminous and my heart soars in and out of "cloud 9". i don't ever want those feelings to go away. i love them.

i'm not really patient

i am patient
of your unspoken observation
and readiness to be weak.

like dried leaves in fall
waiting for a breeze.

like tall blades of grass
in spring,
enjoying morning's dew.

i am patiently awaited
by my heart's faint pulse,
for your wall's short release.

like a landed snowflake
rejoycing its last moments
before melting.

like skin's sweat in a hot gust,
revealing a drought.

i am patient
with bated breath,
waiting for the wind's sigh.

i am impatiently patient.

i'm a fucking catch. maybe. maybe not. maybe i'm a hands full basket case. but, i think i'm a fucking catch. i think, now... it's time i be proud of me rather than waiting for everyone else to fucking care to walk beside me. i'm too old to just be figuring this out... but hey, never thought i'd live this long anyway. everyday i'm thankful i can walk, talk and have food in my stomach and hair on my head. if someone else doesn't see the glow in me... in the words of my mom "fuck 'em." it's time i saw it. it's more important for me to see it anyway. i'm sick of all this wasted fear in me. i'm sick of waiting for something to happen to me.

i'm fucking sick of all my fucking excuses.

how many times can i say "fucking" in one post?

maybe someday, when i believe, others will believe it too. i'm kind, caring, considerate, intelligent, funny, and just. believe it, [insert my name here], and they will too.

walls aren't worth it

foolishly and pointlessly, i built walls around my heart. i thought they were made tough of steel and tall as mountains. i thought its heights were unscaled. i thought they would keep me safe. with my false sense of security i ventured out, unaware of my frailty. my stupid walls were actually, and thankfully, made of cheap plywood you'd by at the dollar store... particle board or composite wood is a more fitting description and probably stronger than my makeshift construction. turns out... what i thought would keep me safe crippled me... what i thought would cripple me... saved me.

it doesn't matter the outcome. it's worth it. i deserve such extreme emotion whether it leaves me blissful or devastated. i never want to live my life trapped inside invisible barriers. the longer i try to keep people out... the harder it becomes to let them in. i'm certain someone has said that before. i'm just glad i was saved before i was lost. i'll always keep a cautious heart... but it will be open and always loving.

walls aren't worth it.

Kindly Unspoken- Kate Voegele

As high as the moon
So high were my spirits
When you sang out my name

And coming from you
It was enough just to hear it
Oh, it rang like the bells did today

But even the sturdiest ground
Can shift and can tremble and let us fall down

Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
The silence speaks louder than words
It’s lucky I’m clever
If I didn’t know better
I’d believe only that which I’d heard

In the days of my folly
I followed your lead
I did what Simon said to do

But I won’t let melancholy
Play me for a fool
Oh, no I’m on my way somewhere new

And as far as your lack of something to say
Well, tell me goodbye there was no better way

Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
The silence speaks louder than words
It’s lucky I’m clever
If I didn’t know better
I’d believe only that which I’d heard

Well don’t keep me up till the dawn
With those words that’ll keep leading me on
Well I know much better than to wait for an answer from you

Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
And silence speaks louder than words
It's lucky I’m clever
If I didn’t know better
I’d believe only that which I’d heard

honest irrationality

just as a rose is a rose... i am girl. i am a girl and as such have irrational emotions at times. a girl irrationally gives her heart away. think about it... it's not logical or sane to give away the thing that literally beats your life. and i am definitely not the settling kind of girl. not anymore. i know what it's like to love... i know what it's like to not love. i prefer the former. even if it's alone. even if my romantic delusions leave me alone and wanting... i prefer the former. it's funny how you cannot convince the unloving of the wonderment of love. it's not that they have never loved either... just when you don't feel it... you don't feel it. it's impossible to make someone understand your feelings. they can only be sympathetic. but, they will never feel them. never. that's not... negative. it's just honest. this girl has to be more honest with herself. she needs to know that love is not 50/50... it's 100/100 or it's not at all. i often neglect my own emotions. i internalize a lot. i zip my lips far too much. i'm trying to get better.

the tears that drip down my cheek now are not sadness... but burning realization of my frail humanity.

A flower doesn't turn toward the sun because it needs to, but because it wants to, and so the process is effortless and joyful.

cupid has poison tipped arrows.

too sad to love

my lover leaves his hurt on a shelf.
its half life longer than eternity.
he's too sad to love.

his vague saddness contorts reality,
and cluttered tears flow.
he's too scared to love.

the drip from his chin
burns my forehead.
he's too strong to hurt.

his expressions of self-realization,
mumble through often and honest sobs.
my daze of our relation,
quietly tumults in heavy sighs.

my love is on an idle shelf.
it's too desperate to hide.
it's too irrational not to cry.
it's too strong to ignore.
it can't sit still.

but, he's too sad to love.
he's too scared for patience.
his lips are too sealed.
his emotion is too controlled.

and
my heart is on my sleeve ripping
one beat at a time.

happy = i smile more than i frown

there is so much up and down... the cliche that life is like a roller coaster is far too true to deny. i'd like to come up with my own witty and profound quote on life being like a box of chocolates or whatever... but there are too many and i don't deem myself to be one of the greats. i'll settle for the bits already in circulation...

anyway... it really is... life, both unexpected and expected. i'm predictable but unstable sometimes. but, it seems, these are things about me i must accept. life will never be completely figured out... and i think i can be okay with it. i can learn to breathe more deeply and less hastily. i'm learning to slow myself.

i'm happy... but, being happy doesn't always mean things are perfect or as good as it gets. it just means i smile more than i frown.

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings." Anais Nin

me, myself & I

a battle has begun. there is no clear idea of who declared it... but, war has been waged. me is arguing with I and I is plotting against me. myself, is stuck in the middle unable to determine its own location. it's a quiet battle, mostly. sometimes I gets hurt... me gets bruised... but, always myself is conflicted. where does this girl side? where do i find peace? where is a safe place for me? how do i finally know myself?

how fucking confusing is that?

i'd like to think that each day i present a better version of me. but, who knows? one of my biggest flaws... i don't trust myself. i never believe me. self-introspection is healthy, yes? in excess though... people get lost. and i'm lost. i'm stuck between terrifying and terrifying. who the fuck knows where that is? i sure don't. i have such a long way to go. i only hope those i care about most... understand they're flawed just the same. I hope they are by my side as i stumble down the poorly laid brick path in front of me... venturing through doubt and certainty. i don't want to cry. i don't want to be confused. i just want to be happy. i just want happy.