insatiable

i don't think my lips have ever been happier and insatiable. i can't get enough hugs or kisses... enough smiles or heavy sighs. i can't listen to enough heart beats. because, they are all limited. the number i'm allotted is not as high as i would like. although, i'm sure my heart would never be satisfied. that's the point, isn't it? to ALWAYS want these things from this one individual? when you stop wanting them, well, it's time to find what you want elsewhere, i guess. i'm not there yet. i'm still in the category of desire... uncontrollable, inconsolable desire. i long for long hugs and soft kisses... when i have them and when i don't. i hope to always have this desire. it's exhausting and exciting. it's frustrating and facinating. it's glorious. my eyes beam luminous and my heart soars in and out of "cloud 9". i don't ever want those feelings to go away. i love them.

i'm not really patient

i am patient
of your unspoken observation
and readiness to be weak.

like dried leaves in fall
waiting for a breeze.

like tall blades of grass
in spring,
enjoying morning's dew.

i am patiently awaited
by my heart's faint pulse,
for your wall's short release.

like a landed snowflake
rejoycing its last moments
before melting.

like skin's sweat in a hot gust,
revealing a drought.

i am patient
with bated breath,
waiting for the wind's sigh.

i am impatiently patient.

i'm a fucking catch. maybe. maybe not. maybe i'm a hands full basket case. but, i think i'm a fucking catch. i think, now... it's time i be proud of me rather than waiting for everyone else to fucking care to walk beside me. i'm too old to just be figuring this out... but hey, never thought i'd live this long anyway. everyday i'm thankful i can walk, talk and have food in my stomach and hair on my head. if someone else doesn't see the glow in me... in the words of my mom "fuck 'em." it's time i saw it. it's more important for me to see it anyway. i'm sick of all this wasted fear in me. i'm sick of waiting for something to happen to me.

i'm fucking sick of all my fucking excuses.

how many times can i say "fucking" in one post?

maybe someday, when i believe, others will believe it too. i'm kind, caring, considerate, intelligent, funny, and just. believe it, [insert my name here], and they will too.

walls aren't worth it

foolishly and pointlessly, i built walls around my heart. i thought they were made tough of steel and tall as mountains. i thought its heights were unscaled. i thought they would keep me safe. with my false sense of security i ventured out, unaware of my frailty. my stupid walls were actually, and thankfully, made of cheap plywood you'd by at the dollar store... particle board or composite wood is a more fitting description and probably stronger than my makeshift construction. turns out... what i thought would keep me safe crippled me... what i thought would cripple me... saved me.

it doesn't matter the outcome. it's worth it. i deserve such extreme emotion whether it leaves me blissful or devastated. i never want to live my life trapped inside invisible barriers. the longer i try to keep people out... the harder it becomes to let them in. i'm certain someone has said that before. i'm just glad i was saved before i was lost. i'll always keep a cautious heart... but it will be open and always loving.

walls aren't worth it.

Kindly Unspoken- Kate Voegele

As high as the moon
So high were my spirits
When you sang out my name

And coming from you
It was enough just to hear it
Oh, it rang like the bells did today

But even the sturdiest ground
Can shift and can tremble and let us fall down

Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
The silence speaks louder than words
It’s lucky I’m clever
If I didn’t know better
I’d believe only that which I’d heard

In the days of my folly
I followed your lead
I did what Simon said to do

But I won’t let melancholy
Play me for a fool
Oh, no I’m on my way somewhere new

And as far as your lack of something to say
Well, tell me goodbye there was no better way

Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
The silence speaks louder than words
It’s lucky I’m clever
If I didn’t know better
I’d believe only that which I’d heard

Well don’t keep me up till the dawn
With those words that’ll keep leading me on
Well I know much better than to wait for an answer from you

Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
And silence speaks louder than words
It's lucky I’m clever
If I didn’t know better
I’d believe only that which I’d heard

honest irrationality

just as a rose is a rose... i am girl. i am a girl and as such have irrational emotions at times. a girl irrationally gives her heart away. think about it... it's not logical or sane to give away the thing that literally beats your life. and i am definitely not the settling kind of girl. not anymore. i know what it's like to love... i know what it's like to not love. i prefer the former. even if it's alone. even if my romantic delusions leave me alone and wanting... i prefer the former. it's funny how you cannot convince the unloving of the wonderment of love. it's not that they have never loved either... just when you don't feel it... you don't feel it. it's impossible to make someone understand your feelings. they can only be sympathetic. but, they will never feel them. never. that's not... negative. it's just honest. this girl has to be more honest with herself. she needs to know that love is not 50/50... it's 100/100 or it's not at all. i often neglect my own emotions. i internalize a lot. i zip my lips far too much. i'm trying to get better.

the tears that drip down my cheek now are not sadness... but burning realization of my frail humanity.

A flower doesn't turn toward the sun because it needs to, but because it wants to, and so the process is effortless and joyful.

cupid has poison tipped arrows.

too sad to love

my lover leaves his hurt on a shelf.
its half life longer than eternity.
he's too sad to love.

his vague saddness contorts reality,
and cluttered tears flow.
he's too scared to love.

the drip from his chin
burns my forehead.
he's too strong to hurt.

his expressions of self-realization,
mumble through often and honest sobs.
my daze of our relation,
quietly tumults in heavy sighs.

my love is on an idle shelf.
it's too desperate to hide.
it's too irrational not to cry.
it's too strong to ignore.
it can't sit still.

but, he's too sad to love.
he's too scared for patience.
his lips are too sealed.
his emotion is too controlled.

and
my heart is on my sleeve ripping
one beat at a time.

happy = i smile more than i frown

there is so much up and down... the cliche that life is like a roller coaster is far too true to deny. i'd like to come up with my own witty and profound quote on life being like a box of chocolates or whatever... but there are too many and i don't deem myself to be one of the greats. i'll settle for the bits already in circulation...

anyway... it really is... life, both unexpected and expected. i'm predictable but unstable sometimes. but, it seems, these are things about me i must accept. life will never be completely figured out... and i think i can be okay with it. i can learn to breathe more deeply and less hastily. i'm learning to slow myself.

i'm happy... but, being happy doesn't always mean things are perfect or as good as it gets. it just means i smile more than i frown.

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings." Anais Nin

me, myself & I

a battle has begun. there is no clear idea of who declared it... but, war has been waged. me is arguing with I and I is plotting against me. myself, is stuck in the middle unable to determine its own location. it's a quiet battle, mostly. sometimes I gets hurt... me gets bruised... but, always myself is conflicted. where does this girl side? where do i find peace? where is a safe place for me? how do i finally know myself?

how fucking confusing is that?

i'd like to think that each day i present a better version of me. but, who knows? one of my biggest flaws... i don't trust myself. i never believe me. self-introspection is healthy, yes? in excess though... people get lost. and i'm lost. i'm stuck between terrifying and terrifying. who the fuck knows where that is? i sure don't. i have such a long way to go. i only hope those i care about most... understand they're flawed just the same. I hope they are by my side as i stumble down the poorly laid brick path in front of me... venturing through doubt and certainty. i don't want to cry. i don't want to be confused. i just want to be happy. i just want happy.

balanced = constant confliction

i would like to think i know me. introspection is necessary... however, is considered self centered when in excess. but, i'm not sure i could know me if i've not focused a great deal of energy trying to see me. so many people seem to see me clearer than i see myself. they say horrible things. things that i don't want to believe... things i don't want to put weight in. but, the opinions of those i care about have that... weight. so, maybe some ... or all of these things are true. then, i'm devestated. i've tried... or so i thought.. tried to be better... and to find out that it's probably all a lie i've been telling myself... is just that, devestating.

just when i get a small idea of who i might be... who i wanna be... i'm so fucking wrong. balance is so elusive. a solution is even more tricky. how i do i change? how do i adjust? i can be told over and over again all these things i fuck up, but, if i'm not offered a solution by either the object of accusation or myself... it will always be the same. it won't fucking change. maybe i am self-centered... selfish. i do only write of me... mostly. i don't ponder the weight of anyone else's problems. communication is a dance i apparently fail to execute properly.

i feel like... like i don't even know me. like i'm a fucking stranger. i'm harder on me than anyone has ever been... and, for anyone who knows me... knows that's hard. i'm lost... but, lost is a feeling to which i am accustomed. i don't like it... i'm just used to it.

Kelly Clarkson- Already Gone

Remember all the things we wanted,
Now all our memories, they're haunted.
We were always meant to say goodbye.
Even with our fists held high it,
Never would have worked out right, yeah,
We were never meant for do or die.

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now
I can't stop.

I want you to know,
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And i want you to know,
You couldn't have loved me better
But i want you to move on
So i'm already gone.

Looking at you makes it harder,
But i know that you'll find another,
That doesn't always make you wanna cry.
Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in,
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive.

You know that i love you so
I love you enough to let you go.

I want you to know,
That it doesn't matter,
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go.
And i want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better,
But i want you to move on
So i'm already gone.

I'm already gone
I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone
Already gone.
There's no moving on
So i'm already gone.

Already gone
Already gone
Already gone, oooo, oh
Already gone
Already gone
Already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted,
Now all our memories, they're haunted,
We were always meant to say goodbye.

I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And i want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But i want you to move on
So i'm already gone

I'm already gone
I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone
Already gone
There's no moving on
So i'm already gone...

closure is an elusive beast. it comes unexpected sometimes. i'm certain not everyone welcomes closure. some people would be content forever lingering and being miserable in the process. i'd like to think i am not one of these people. even though i often have tunnel vision. when my mind is set on something... it is set on that thing alone. i will beat it to death. however, closure is welcome. it is a necessary part of my life. i'm not always eloquent in my speech. i stumble frequently. however, in print i am at my best. still, i lack luster at times, and my point is not always broadcast as well as i'd like. but, i'm better here. on this screen or on paper is where i find myself more often than in verbal conversation.

over the course of the last year my life has changed drastically. and i am happier and better for it. i've learned much about myself that i think will help me to be a more adjusted and kind person. i've also come to learn much about my friends. a few months ago, a friend, who i thought was close to me, broke up with me. he did not see our relationship in the same light as i. it's a shame. it's a very sad ordeal. i've toiled and pined over it for weeks saddened by its loss, i've rolled over events in my head a dozen times... hoping something would magically change because i knew it was out of my hands. it was in his hands. small occurrences led me to believe that friendship was possible. now, i know it is not. it is the opposite.

closure. closure is something i've needed to put it all behind me. he gave me closure. several paragraphs of uncensored emotion... unashamed accusation, and down right hurtful words have given me closure. i will long for his approval no more. i feel very good about it now. i am happy and a friend that doesn't appreciate that is not a friend but in fact someone i do not want to know. i am happy. that is enough for me.

so i will not wrestle with who did what or what could have been done differently... no more. no more wishing words had not been said. it's done. and for that... i thank him.

i'm ok now.

inaction is negative action. i've repeated this phrase to many of my friends... to my lover. waiting is a thing americans hate to do most... waiting is so very difficult. but, it is necessary sometimes, most times. i fucking hate waiting. i wonder... waiting on others to act... does this leave me being inactive? am i guilty of negative action as well? maybe so. i'm so busy allowing others to be themselves i'm afraid i'll lose myself. i'll forget what i want.

finding that balance between getting everything i want or nothing at all is so hard. words have to be chosen so delicately... because the balance that seperates us or keeps us together is delicate. why is it so hard to say what i want? i used to know. i think. i think i used to know... maybe i've never known. i know a few things i need. and... one of those things, is i need to hear it. dear diary... i need to hear it. it will make it more real. i will feel the sincerity. i will feel it. what's it? i can't even say it... why do i expect someone else to say it? cause i'm a woman. and i'm flawed and imperfect and utterly lost on love. there is no way i'll ever do everything right. i type it for you. but, it's me that needs to hear it. i have to accept that i'll never be perfect. continuing to strive for perfection will only continue to leave me disappointed in myself. sigh.

one more tomorrow

if i only had one more tomorrow... what would i do? i waste weeks thinking, analyzing every situation, gesture, comment, and expression. weeks... maybe longer. i stare off into space for hours. i sit at my computer screen punching the keys leaving my fingers sore. i put up walls that no human being could ever be expected to scale... i've wasted years on "careful". fuck that.
i waste so much time on maybes and what ifs. i am so fucking wasted. i don't want to be a wasted life... love.

if my allotment of tomorrows ran out... i'd stop thinking. i'd stop analyzing. i wouldn't type my emotions. i would excalim them. i wouldn't hide anything. i'd just do. express everything... i would aim for zero regret. i'd tell the people i love how much i need them. i'd hug my nephews tight, kiss my grandmother, and confess my guilt and let the tears run down my face to my mama. i'd hug my friends. kiss my lover.. i'd never stop talking accept to watch the sunset on my last day. i, more than anyone, should know tomorrow is awesome... and if it never comes, i'll wish i had used today.

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

mood: punishing

what pummels my chest
is not a heart.
a weight rather,
ten tons of pressure,
restless.
ripped tissue and
unrepairable muscle
fail to supply demand.
it remains
unrecognizable.
it is ugly.
_____________________________

shadows drift off sunset's fringe,
hopeful for a repeat of amber glory.
fiery cast honor in dusk's binge
woefully reciting the day's story.

Sun does not see his evening,
only morning.
but Moon basks in the beauty,
of Sun's duty.