me, myself & I

a battle has begun. there is no clear idea of who declared it... but, war has been waged. me is arguing with I and I is plotting against me. myself, is stuck in the middle unable to determine its own location. it's a quiet battle, mostly. sometimes I gets hurt... me gets bruised... but, always myself is conflicted. where does this girl side? where do i find peace? where is a safe place for me? how do i finally know myself?

how fucking confusing is that?

i'd like to think that each day i present a better version of me. but, who knows? one of my biggest flaws... i don't trust myself. i never believe me. self-introspection is healthy, yes? in excess though... people get lost. and i'm lost. i'm stuck between terrifying and terrifying. who the fuck knows where that is? i sure don't. i have such a long way to go. i only hope those i care about most... understand they're flawed just the same. I hope they are by my side as i stumble down the poorly laid brick path in front of me... venturing through doubt and certainty. i don't want to cry. i don't want to be confused. i just want to be happy. i just want happy.

balanced = constant confliction

i would like to think i know me. introspection is necessary... however, is considered self centered when in excess. but, i'm not sure i could know me if i've not focused a great deal of energy trying to see me. so many people seem to see me clearer than i see myself. they say horrible things. things that i don't want to believe... things i don't want to put weight in. but, the opinions of those i care about have that... weight. so, maybe some ... or all of these things are true. then, i'm devestated. i've tried... or so i thought.. tried to be better... and to find out that it's probably all a lie i've been telling myself... is just that, devestating.

just when i get a small idea of who i might be... who i wanna be... i'm so fucking wrong. balance is so elusive. a solution is even more tricky. how i do i change? how do i adjust? i can be told over and over again all these things i fuck up, but, if i'm not offered a solution by either the object of accusation or myself... it will always be the same. it won't fucking change. maybe i am self-centered... selfish. i do only write of me... mostly. i don't ponder the weight of anyone else's problems. communication is a dance i apparently fail to execute properly.

i feel like... like i don't even know me. like i'm a fucking stranger. i'm harder on me than anyone has ever been... and, for anyone who knows me... knows that's hard. i'm lost... but, lost is a feeling to which i am accustomed. i don't like it... i'm just used to it.

Kelly Clarkson- Already Gone

Remember all the things we wanted,
Now all our memories, they're haunted.
We were always meant to say goodbye.
Even with our fists held high it,
Never would have worked out right, yeah,
We were never meant for do or die.

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now
I can't stop.

I want you to know,
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And i want you to know,
You couldn't have loved me better
But i want you to move on
So i'm already gone.

Looking at you makes it harder,
But i know that you'll find another,
That doesn't always make you wanna cry.
Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in,
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive.

You know that i love you so
I love you enough to let you go.

I want you to know,
That it doesn't matter,
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go.
And i want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better,
But i want you to move on
So i'm already gone.

I'm already gone
I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone
Already gone.
There's no moving on
So i'm already gone.

Already gone
Already gone
Already gone, oooo, oh
Already gone
Already gone
Already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted,
Now all our memories, they're haunted,
We were always meant to say goodbye.

I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And i want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But i want you to move on
So i'm already gone

I'm already gone
I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone
Already gone
There's no moving on
So i'm already gone...

closure is an elusive beast. it comes unexpected sometimes. i'm certain not everyone welcomes closure. some people would be content forever lingering and being miserable in the process. i'd like to think i am not one of these people. even though i often have tunnel vision. when my mind is set on something... it is set on that thing alone. i will beat it to death. however, closure is welcome. it is a necessary part of my life. i'm not always eloquent in my speech. i stumble frequently. however, in print i am at my best. still, i lack luster at times, and my point is not always broadcast as well as i'd like. but, i'm better here. on this screen or on paper is where i find myself more often than in verbal conversation.

over the course of the last year my life has changed drastically. and i am happier and better for it. i've learned much about myself that i think will help me to be a more adjusted and kind person. i've also come to learn much about my friends. a few months ago, a friend, who i thought was close to me, broke up with me. he did not see our relationship in the same light as i. it's a shame. it's a very sad ordeal. i've toiled and pined over it for weeks saddened by its loss, i've rolled over events in my head a dozen times... hoping something would magically change because i knew it was out of my hands. it was in his hands. small occurrences led me to believe that friendship was possible. now, i know it is not. it is the opposite.

closure. closure is something i've needed to put it all behind me. he gave me closure. several paragraphs of uncensored emotion... unashamed accusation, and down right hurtful words have given me closure. i will long for his approval no more. i feel very good about it now. i am happy and a friend that doesn't appreciate that is not a friend but in fact someone i do not want to know. i am happy. that is enough for me.

so i will not wrestle with who did what or what could have been done differently... no more. no more wishing words had not been said. it's done. and for that... i thank him.

i'm ok now.

inaction is negative action. i've repeated this phrase to many of my friends... to my lover. waiting is a thing americans hate to do most... waiting is so very difficult. but, it is necessary sometimes, most times. i fucking hate waiting. i wonder... waiting on others to act... does this leave me being inactive? am i guilty of negative action as well? maybe so. i'm so busy allowing others to be themselves i'm afraid i'll lose myself. i'll forget what i want.

finding that balance between getting everything i want or nothing at all is so hard. words have to be chosen so delicately... because the balance that seperates us or keeps us together is delicate. why is it so hard to say what i want? i used to know. i think. i think i used to know... maybe i've never known. i know a few things i need. and... one of those things, is i need to hear it. dear diary... i need to hear it. it will make it more real. i will feel the sincerity. i will feel it. what's it? i can't even say it... why do i expect someone else to say it? cause i'm a woman. and i'm flawed and imperfect and utterly lost on love. there is no way i'll ever do everything right. i type it for you. but, it's me that needs to hear it. i have to accept that i'll never be perfect. continuing to strive for perfection will only continue to leave me disappointed in myself. sigh.

one more tomorrow

if i only had one more tomorrow... what would i do? i waste weeks thinking, analyzing every situation, gesture, comment, and expression. weeks... maybe longer. i stare off into space for hours. i sit at my computer screen punching the keys leaving my fingers sore. i put up walls that no human being could ever be expected to scale... i've wasted years on "careful". fuck that.
i waste so much time on maybes and what ifs. i am so fucking wasted. i don't want to be a wasted life... love.

if my allotment of tomorrows ran out... i'd stop thinking. i'd stop analyzing. i wouldn't type my emotions. i would excalim them. i wouldn't hide anything. i'd just do. express everything... i would aim for zero regret. i'd tell the people i love how much i need them. i'd hug my nephews tight, kiss my grandmother, and confess my guilt and let the tears run down my face to my mama. i'd hug my friends. kiss my lover.. i'd never stop talking accept to watch the sunset on my last day. i, more than anyone, should know tomorrow is awesome... and if it never comes, i'll wish i had used today.

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

mood: punishing

what pummels my chest
is not a heart.
a weight rather,
ten tons of pressure,
restless.
ripped tissue and
unrepairable muscle
fail to supply demand.
it remains
unrecognizable.
it is ugly.
_____________________________

shadows drift off sunset's fringe,
hopeful for a repeat of amber glory.
fiery cast honor in dusk's binge
woefully reciting the day's story.

Sun does not see his evening,
only morning.
but Moon basks in the beauty,
of Sun's duty.

so i'm exposed and vulnerable... what now?

a basket of heart,
full of me,
and a rope of hope
tied to the wind.

that's all that i am.

President Obama

i'm not terribly democratic or republican... or even political. i haven't suffered ill effects of the economy down slopping... not that i've noticed anyway. gas went down; that was beneficial. it's slowly climbing, however. so, i didn't attend an inaugural party yesterday or even watch it on tv. i played warcraft instead. i was aware of the day's events, though. i had little faith in GW Bush. especially because of his inability to speak and amazing ability to displace blame. he didn't make me excited to be an American. i did not vote for Obama. i did vote, however. so, i exercised my right to have an opinion, right? my opinion, my soap box, my stance... or whatever you want to call it, is hope. i want to really be proud to be American. this is the greatest empire to have ever been built. we have so many freedoms. things aren't perfect... but, i'm a woman. i'm entitled. i have rights. . . Obama isn't necessarily black.. but he is ethnic... and he's PRESIDENT. how insane is that? it's because this is America. disagree with him if you wish... that is your right... but know that anything is possible. and i have so much hope for us. my candidate didn't win, but change is coming and it's what we all need. despite his presidential style, i think Obama will help us all have faith in us again. i have so much confidence in this new beginning... for America, and for me.

convenience of my solitude

contorted thoughts
mislead him.
full of wrought.

like a spell cast
upon me.
forcing fast

a sincere reaction,
but, faux assumption,
its fruition.

and like an army,
his walls raise.

and like a book,
my eyes read.

_____________________

i can't hide anything.
can I?

heavy

it's a shame such happiness can bring such dread. i touch the fire... again. i'm certain i'd bite it if i could. fuck the fact that it'd burn my lips off. i'd eat that fire. i'd relish in it. later, i'll have a stomach ache. i am the epitome of over indulgence. i'd like to always be rational... think with my head. but, far too often my heart butts in... she's pushy, convincing, and easily weighed down to a heavy load only a lonely girl like me could carry. so much goes on in my life, but her pounding is louder than any siren. she's all i think about. sigh.

and, sadly, i am defined in so few words.

You are the loneliest girl in the world- Cary Brothers

You are the loneliest girl in the world
Taking your hits as they come
You are the loneliest girl in the world
And tonight you'd fall for anyone

It's in the way you fall down to bed
It's in the way you cry when he's not looking

You are the loneliest girl in the world
I'll watch you die a thousand times again
You are the loneliest girl in the world
And I just want to make it go away
And I just want to make it go away

happy happy

what is happy? i don't know that i could define happy. but, i can list things, events, people or places that make me happy...

-when you come over... you are on the phone but you tell them to hold on and give me a hug.

-sunshineface works still... will always

-a sunset

-home

i haven't written as much lately. i haven't had things i just had to get out because i was distraught or confused. instead, i've been happy and content. at times, i get restless. i push and pull. i try to create change when change isn't ready. but, when i least expect it... change happens. it's ever so quiet and sweet. i crave those feelings. i pace myself into patience. i'm happy.

happy new year.

i like to write. it seems... i only write internally, though. i don't tackle world or political issues... hunger, poverty, war, or the economy. i wish i were more interested... but, i guess the selfish part of me is quite wrapped up in my own emotions. maybe i'm not as considerate and thoughtful a person as i would assume. . . and here i go to back up that fact...

i often have an overwhelming feeling in my fingertips. they reach out for the thick air surrounding you. it's light and inviting most days... dense and distracted others. but always, always the urge in my stomach remains unchanged. my skin desires to touch you... my eyes to express my feelings. i cannot often do so eloquently. it's fumbled and unorganized when i haven't the time to process my emotions. my emotions are frequently irrational and confusing. i do my best to keep the insanity low. although, i'm crazy about you.

i sit in silence staring at the keys... so much too say. too soon. so goodnight to this post i must profess... i haven't the preparation for such expression...

what do we all seek? we seek a person that will match our needs. this person will love us as we love them. they will give themselves as we give ourselves. equally. how impossible. there will most certainly be defects. there will be one person that gives more... one that takes more. one will be more invested... one will be less interested. part of being perfect for one another... is learning to live with our flaws. we are all perfectly flawed as human beings. perfectly flawed. flawed in our own ways. i need to be loved for my obsession with my hair... my gullibility, my overly sensitive expectations, my delicate nature and the aversion i have to admitting my nature as such, my mispronunciation of certain words, my dorky dances, and my imperfect face... my everything.

how impossible? as impossible as it gets. is it possible for me to be loved for such things?

if perfection is impossible... boring why then, do i feel such pressure to reach perfection? is it self-imposed? possibly. don't argue. don't fight. don't have feelings. don't have regrets don't get upset. be cool. relax... all things i repeat a million times over to myself. i'm a terrible liar and my emotions are in my eyes apparent and plain to be seen. the worst thing? disappointment. it plagues me heavy like tons of pressure restless on my brow. i never know when it is, and isn't, acceptable to be human...  not a girl... just an imperfect human. when is it ok to cry? when is it ok to be upset? when am i ok? for fuck's sake when. 

i wish i had these answers. they will probably plague me for a lifetime to come... how ever long that may last. i'm so busy letting other people be themselves... i wonder when i can express me. i wonder. i hate to hide. i'll come out of my shell when they come out of theirs. i am me... the volume is turned down is all. whatever. fuck.