expectations

i am a woman. and, generally, expected to be... feminine, graceful, sweet, soft-spoken, agreeable, cook, clean, sew, weak, unintelligent, and dependent. i know that these are not all encompasing... but, are generally expected. when a woman has emotions... she's crazy. if she's devoid of emotion... she's manly.

i am a woman.

i am strong, independent, emotional, outspoken, smart, defiant, demanding, and almost never sweet. i am responsible. i say when i'm wrong. i say when i'm right... which, is often. i don't cook. i don't clean obsessively. i can sew... i don't like to sew. i'm not your typical woman, i guess. i have emotions that even i don't understand. i know that it's ok to stray from the norm. i know that it's ok to be who i am. yet, i have overwhelming feelings of guilt when i cannot comply. when i have emotions that might bother others... make them uncomfortable or cause them to think, to work harder... i feel guilty. i don't know why. maybe it's because i have spent half a decade plus keeping things hidden. sucking it up and masking myself such that i am gone. i have created another creature. this creature is unsure of her own feelings. she... is lost in emotion. it twists her with steam and creates smoke where there is no fire.

maybe. maybe, i'm just a woman afterall. who knows. who knows if i make and sense to anyone but myself. i hope that this... this synopsis helps me to analyze myself. maybe then, i'll see me. maybe i'll see the real me and not the one i want to be... or the one i've created. maybe. maybe life is just all bullshit and it doesn't matter anyway. maybe i should just spit my heart's desires from the tip of my tongue... into your ears. maybe no one pressures me more than me.

maybe i should shut up. maybe one day i'll know. i'll just hang on to my hope... for as long as possible.

things happen for a reason, right? wrong. shit just happens. there is no rhyme. no pattern. madness has no method. shit just happens. good people, bad people, mediocre people... shit just happens. there is nothing to be mapped.... no way to track why something has happened.

it no longer matters... after it's happened. we have to pick up pieces, scraps, or whatever is left, dust it off, and hope it still works. hope that we allow it to work. risk it. i guess. yes, risk it.

so... it matters... the post-tragedy/disaster/blah blah... POST... that is what matters. what we make of things in the "after". so, yea.

madness has no method... only cold hands wrapped around my waist and teeth taking in my neck. madness is just madness.

the end.

i should crawl back into bed today. today isn't even supposed to be hard. today isn't the day. what the fuck. i wish to skip past all this... skip to a simpler time. i wonder, will i want simpler times or do i enjoy the chaos that i feel today? how could i? wouldn't that be considered masochistic? maybe. maybe i like the scars... they remind me of how i was once loved. i miss the warmth in my stomach... the light in my eyes. it's gone now. i don't know if i can have it back. i don't know if i'm allowed.

it's too fucking quiet in here. i need noise. i need... something. i can't take it either. i have to wait for it to be given and i'm impatient as hell. my body is sullen and reluctant. i just want to crawl back into bed. sleep through tomorrow and the next. wait for it to be morning on some other day. just not today... just not tomorrow.

what if i spend my life waiting? waiting for tomorrow? waiting for something to change... i'll waste myself on 'what if's'... i'll drown in my fear. we all will. why do i let another dictate my actions? that's so foolish. it's too... risky. i've rested with another and neglected those who i KNOW will be there... who give me exactly what i need and more. foolish.

take what you want, dammit.

my heart beat is sluggish.

fighting the good fight

worn armor
and dull blade,
his hands rough
with regret.
his helm slumps
over his eyes,
and his sight
cannot see.
the battle before
him disguised
but fought...
fiercely.
he's withered
and weary,
he's blistered
and dreary,
he keeps his weapon
pointed.
at my chest.
one step forward,
and,
in
defense,
he
empales
my
love a fiery
red.
drops to he ground,
his helm and shield
heavy.
gasping tight his chest.
he destroyed me.
he didn't know
his desire.
till i spread it
all over the ground
in
spurts
of
death,
drenched in shock.
i
die.
he cries.
he dries his eyes.
picks up his armor
and drags his sword,
tip in the ground.
he screams aloud
to the sky,
on deaf ears.
with no response,
he bandages his heart
with blood soaked sweat.
reinforces his armor.
and goes on,
fighting the good fight.

hopeful

stretching softly
with a weak reach,
she grasps tightly.
her careful feet,

delicately placed
on cold asphalt.
picking paced
on a locked vault.

each light handful
of solid expression,
incites eagerness
formed from confession.

desperate and greedy,
her hands are sullen,
sulking and needy.

full of fits and dire,
pleading her desire,

attempts to quiet...
waste in the wind,
so continues the riot,
cautious to mend.

careful not to settle,
but timid to mettle.

she's trapped between,
a forceful push,
or gentle pulling...
keeping her mien,
or losing her lust.

she reaches clumsily
with clammy fingers,
disappointment and
emptiness
tend
to linger.

she'll sigh,
and try
to figure a medium
between independent...
and despondent.

parts are patient.
parts are anxious.

though each piece
contains longing,
she keeps it creased
between her lips,
available on his calling...

i'm intelligent. i don't have any reservations about stating it. i am intelligent. i've learned a lot by asking questions. from the time i could speak i've asked questions. how else am i to learn? if i didn't ask questions i would only have knowledge that people offered me. i wouldn't have that which i would otherwise seek on my own. more than likely, you aren't going to learn a lot that way. so, i ask questions. questions... are tricky. asking one can change the course of an evening... or lifetime. you should be certain you want the answer. i should be certain i want the answer. often, they slip out. and almost immeditately, i want to suck the thought back into my lungs. although, some parts of me want an answer. i'm scared of the answer (only because in my head i know what it may be)... yet, a small piece of me is hoping to get a different response. a "non-answer" plagues me. it sits in my gut full of red stained regret. it will, hopefully, subside. eventually.


so... i've learned a lot... and i hope learning is never finished with me. i'll never have enough of it.

broken hearts and beaten paths

i think i want a broken heart. i desire the pain. i think... maybe in some twisted way, it will bring me back to life. i want something so awesome as love. i want it. i'm terrified of its brilliant power, but i want it. i need it. i need to know the cob webs round my heart haven't trapped my ability to open. i hope someonee can scale them, with some effort. also, i'm pretty sure i'll be slicing silken thread from the inside. it's been there nearly a decade. it's caused so much distress. my face is flushed and my eyes salty wet with thoughts of love's existence vanishing entirely. i couldn't stand it. i have too much life to live to shut everyone out. i have to move on. i have to find me in me again if i'm to see my reflection in another.

i'm pretty sure... i'll forever grow. i learn from everyone around and am grateful for their being in my life, their input, and concern for me. i'm lucky. i'm a very lucky girl. i've got friend's who'd name the stars for me. that's amazing, right? right. it seems unfair... greedy to seek more. yet, i lack an essential need so desired its ever growing prevalence in my thoughts is making it more difficult by the second to suppress.

i don't want to give myself away with a look.

just a hint.

a touch should not force my skin from me.

just burn, a little.

i don't want a kiss to disarm me.

just weakened.

i am such a liar. i want to be beaten down stupid crazy retarded in love.

i want those same irrational feelings returned. i don't want to give or receive a half-hearted effort. i deserve an entire heart. and, i'd still only house one in me. i'd have given mine completely. i don't want over analytical love... i want mindless sweet action.

the "about me" section of this life will forever grow and adapt. all the while, i'll stay lost in convoluted memories and misguided intentions.

i'll pretend none of this happened. i'll go about life lacking. it's sad. i want so much more. i need... i ache for it. the tips of my fingers beat the keys with delicate clicks throbbing more and more with every stroke... as does the rest of my sullen sulking body.

blah.

dirty deeds

sometimes i question my integrity. i wonder about my intentions. i think... rethink. i can see every conversation, interaction, or moment play in my head before its happening. i know... at times... i want the wrong things... i should not be allowed.

often i doubt other's intentions. i'm certain i am less than perfect, but am most certain i am more honorable than most. but, doubt is an unpleasant condition... and certainty is absurd, right? have you nothing to say at our indiscretions?!

you are not the man i thought.

my eyes are naked.
drenched in salty guilt.
remorse forced latent.
my rusty eyelids wilt.

unsavory decisions
restless on my hands,
with torrid concessions
undulating barren lands.

a lack of guidance
brought me here.
shaved conscience
holds me near.

your hands washed clean
for fickle drains to fill.
and your eye sight beams.
present faded into past will.

my eyes are naked. and your hands are clean.

in some ways... i'm jealous. in some ways i'd like to glower at guilt. yet, the inconsolable guilt in my stomach keeps me real. it keeps me human. i do not need your god for it. i do not need to know consequence to know a dirty deed.

i try... i try to be a good person all on my own. god's help is not required.

so... yeah.

if you sit around pondering ways to extract the response you want, you'll be sadly disappointed. you really can't make someone in your image... in your mind's ideal. impossible. however, you can change your ideal. when you understand another it's quite easy to shift desire toward their qualities. at the same time, you'd risk loosing sight of your own objectives... your needs... wants. so, a tender balance it's being weighed. you battle your mind and suffocate your heart... or... you ignore your mind and unbutton your heart. mine would pound a million beats per minute to have the ease of innocence. i think i could easily slip into love... given the proper subject, of course. but, i keep my eyes on my heart. i keep my reserve in my hands and mind on my shoulder.

so..... i have asked myself... can i keep me and have you too? hmmm... doubtful. but, i can't fail if i don't try. wait... exactly... i can't fail if i don't try. so what if i fail? what if i fall? who's there to catch me? who will wipe the sweat from my brow. who will mend me. these are not questions. i know the answers. i also know this answer: who do i want to dust me off.

on another note

i like cloudy skies. i like cloudy skies more than sunny. on a hot day, the sun drifts behind a cloud and quenches my thirsty skin for a moment. i want just enough clouds so the sunset can strike an amber display of shooting rays... but not too much. i wouldn't be able to see the sun. the clouds give the sky depth and character. so i want just enough... not too much, not too little. i'm hard to please.

clouds reflect
in my eyes.
blurry and battered
in disguise.
my hiding place,
stored secrets
in a small space.
then, wind blows.
it forces my eyes
clear, and shows,
for only a moment,
a heart unhealed.
i fight to close it.
small secrets to savor,
until winds gust
in my favor.

i'm safe.

and another thing...

music is a very big outlet for me. good music does it's job: relate. i can relate to just about any song, but rarely a song comes along that does all but mention my name. below are lyrics (and a song that you should hear... yes you) that defined me. i do not know what defines me now. if anything... i'm unaware.

i do know... i don't want to fake it. i don't want to pretend to be cool and indifferent. if i act like i don't care... i want it to be because i don't fucking care. if i want to place my face gently in your shoulder with a heavy sigh... fucking a, that is what i want to do. i don't want to feel you pulling from me. if i do, tug of war will ensue. i will take that rope and go running for the hills with all my might and i'm a fast little bitch. ugh... i'll probably still lose. i don't want to care about losing! i want what i want and that's the fucking truth. i think i pull for that reason alone. if i feel it... i will do it. eh. stupid baseball movie. although, in baseball movies, i'm pretty sure they don't use the f-word as much.

anyway...

Brandon Rhyder- she couldn't lie anymore

all she left me was a letter
taped to the bathroom door
she said she couldn't face me
and she couldn't lie anymore

she couldn't lie beside me
for another night
or make believe that everything was gonna turn out alright
she said she did it for me and as cold and hard as the truth might be
she couldn't lie anymore

i guess it doesn't matter
if there's someone she left me for
either way my world is shattered
cause she couldn't lie anymore

she couldn't lie beside me
for another night
or make believe that everything was gonna turn out alright
she said she did it for me and as cold and hard as the truth might be
she couldn't lie anymore

i guess she did what she had to do
and I guess it's for the better
but I sure love being her fool
i would have let her lie forever

she couldn't lie beside me
for another night
or make believe that everything was gonna turn out alright
she said she did it for me and as cold and hard as the truth might be
she couldn't lie anymore

she said she did it for me and as cold and hard as the truth might be
she couldn't lie anymore
she couldn't lie here anymore
she couldn't lie anymore

dear diary?

i guess it's not reasonable to expect the most from everyone in my life. i mean... i have a few really great friends. friends that would more than likely fly to the ends of the earth for me. they know who they are. in relationships the most difficult thing is doubt. i have no doubt in these people... let's be honest... these two people. i can count on them for anything. i've had friends come and go and i've learned things from all of them. i've learned that i can't expect everyone to live up to my high expectations. i just can't. i'll be constantly disappointed if i set my sights ever so high.

i am recently disappointed by such an occasion. i put my trust in another. i confided in them. i told them secrets. i gave them the privilege of my confidence, which is difficult to earn. it's damn near impossible to earn my respect. it's quite easy to lose it. a piece of cake, actually, for my trust to shatter. i am most disappointed in my willingness to do such a thing... i mean, it didn't really take all that much for me to give this person my hand in friendship. i felt close to her. she gave me her trust, easily... which, despite that she has betrayed mine, i will not disrespect. if she were to call and need something in dire situations... i'd be there without question. she can still call on me. but, that's just me. she'll never have my trust again, though. ever.

and such is life, and i move on. i move on, hopefully, with lessons learned and wounds healing. there is no doubt that as life goes, i wrap myself tighter in a cocoon of dismay and solitude. however, you know who you are if you have my heart in your hands. you know and i am forever grateful for your delicate guard of my love.

mind over matter?

i loved once, whole heartedly. with everything in me. i gave my heart. i gave my body. and, most difficult of all, i gave my mind. i had glorious feelings of freedom; my whole life seemed... light. it seemed to fade into the background. i was so in love... i was so happy. butterflies... definitely. tangled fingers and sweaty palms were the simpliest and most enjoyable of luxuries. i miss terribly those feelings. i'm uncertain if i'm lucky enough for a repeat. at its end, first love was horrifyingly painful. i've never felt such pain. it was the most unfathomable of events. i couldn't believe that it had been ripped from me as pages are torn from spiral notebooks. it didn't break cleanly. it left shards of useless paper draped across my heart. my mind clouded. my hands hurt. my stomach ached. there was no consoling me and i thought if i layed long enough the world might begin again. maybe my pain would fade. but, alas, it never has and i feel it still. i think i'll always love him. i think it may be something i'll have to accept... and live with.

i loved twice, half assedly. i gave my heart. i gave my body. but, my mind stayed hidden. i never gave away my secrets. i never let him in. i always felt a little voice in me saying, "it will never work; pack the cement tighter." so, the walls around me grew. tall, smooth and solid they became. there is no scaling them. no breaching. no invitation. i have never truly longed for his touch or hand. i've always been... indifferent to his pressence. his stretching to reach for me in bed made me cringe. why did i say yes? i couldn't answer that with any certainty. i'd probably be reaching anyway. i'm breaking fairly clean and unscathed. is this my fault? this failure? should i have waited? maybe the first was too fresh... maybe, just maybe, i'm scarred and will never feel such defining love again. that's a sad thought.

so... mind over matter. i can make myself believe anything.

it's not really cold; it's all in your head.

my muscles are not failing; push through the pain.

you won't fall for him; it's only an obsession and infatuation fades.

these are all simpleton aspects... in the grander scheme things are much more serious. i've molded my mind to believe that i only need me, love does not last, and i'll only get hurt again. so, is mind over matter always a positive thing? i'm certain the answer is "no". for surely i will regret locking myself away inside for only the mirror to see. i'd like to fall madly in love. i'd like to feel stupid dumb crazy in love. i'd like to explode from my fingertips to my gut. i just hope that my mindset isn't so stubborn to see what's there or what's waiting to be found.

my reflection
shows no truth.
a pair plain eyes
lost their roots.

define romance

i'm uncertain if i'm able. i'm uncertain i've ever had true romance. is romance candles and soft sweet music and roses and gentle hands tangled together? i'm uncertain. look up romance in the dictionary. even webster can't define it. they dance around the idea in circles. that's it. it's because it's merely an idea. it possesss no tangible quality. i can tell when something is romantic. i can identify its feelings... its lingerings. but, i can not come out and say for certain it has identity. it's mysterious and fleeting.

chilvalry is romantic.

it's romantic...

...when a man walks down the sidewalk... the small of my back and a gentle guide... it's romantic when he walks on the outside... the side that borders the street.

... sweet noses touching softly in dull light and cold breezes.

... a car door opened.

... a chair pulled out.

... a genuine expression of my outfit.

... an admission... a submission. against all will. against all better knowledge.

... a description i can't descibe... if i could say what love was, for certain, would it be as meaningful? no, i think not. same goes for romance. it's fleeting nature makes it ever so valuable. it strikes desire within me. it burns a hole through my armor. i am disarmed by it. i am sent into places i fear. into a known danger. into a life i am terrified to visit. terrified.

romance is... undefinable. ungraspable.

romance is within me and i keep it locked away. romance is scary. romance is dangerous. romance is sweet solace in a firey hot world.

romance is solace.

___________________

gentle hands tangle together.
nervously grazing fingers
softly melt my armor,
while their tips sweetly linger.

who can you... i trust?

not a soul? right? maybe i shouldn't say "soul" because i don't believe in god? maybe i should just say "no one". yea. no one. i barely trust myself much of the time.

i think that i won't know myself... ever... i change too often to keep up with me. in my last moments of conscious breathing... maybe then, i'll get it. i don't expect such, though. i think even then i'll be confused.

i long for unabashed joy. i long to love myself without condition.

i just want to be fucking happy. why is that so unatainable? and, why is it so hard to understand that a person, sometimes, has to think of themselves. i need to think of me right now. it's pertinent.... it's imperative... i can think of a million ways to say it... but, it just is and that's how it's going to have to be.

humph.