i might... let you hold me in your arms. i might... let you stroke my hair.. maybe stare in my eyes. but, truth is... my heart never came with me. so you can't hold her. she's been in the same place for a decade. she's been living outside my body. she's been beating... mostly. i used to visit. i got tired of her pale color. i couldn't stand seeing her that way. so, i haven't been back. i'm honestly frightened of her condition now. i can feel my own functions weakening. decreased stamina and such. maybe i should. but. i don't want to visit. i want to remain stone cold and in control. i don't want her coming in here and disrupting all my well built walls... all my well laid boobie traps. i've spent years keeping people away from that place she used to live. if anyone is going there... it isn't going to be her. no. i must keep her where she lies. she's lonely, she says. "i'm cold," she tells me. she calls me insensitive. i do not deny her accusations. i've spent years perfecting my immunity. she's going to fuck it up. fuck. how am i supposed to keep her gone with you here? don't you understand that it isn't fair? that this has no chance of ending well? that we will fail? can't you hear it? i can. it's fucking loud. listen to me... ignore her. she's merely a heart. i couldn't breathe without her, but i can live on my own. so just don't listen to her. fuck. please. don't. i don't want to love you.

Why Can’t You Love Me
Written by Wade Bowen and Matt Miller

Why can’t you love me?
What can’t you just be my girl?
Why’s it all got to be so complicated?
If you really love someone

I know you don’t really love me
And baby I guess that’s alright
At least I had my moment with you
And I’ll have that the rest of my life

Sometimes your dreams just don’t work out
You know I’ve had my share before
Guess it’s just another time that I’ll have to walk through
Another unopened door

Why’s it so hard
Hiding all of my pain
I’ll try not to be sad girl
I’ll just hide my tears behind the rain coming down

If that’s the only way to make you happy
Then I’ll do it against my will
Yeah we could have been something really special
Now that’s just a prophecy left unfulfilled

I hope my heart can handle all of this
It’s crazy the way I’m feeling inside
Maybe someday I’ll get over you
But for now I don’t even want to try

Sometimes your dreams just don’t work out
And it’s crazy the things I’m feeling inside
Maybe someday I’ll get over you
But for now I don’t even want to try

Why can’t you love me?
Why can’t you just be my girl?
Why’s it all got to be so complicated?
In this complicated world

against my will

my veins pump expired promises,
my liver overwhelmed with the toxins i consume.
my lungs inhale hurt... exhale life.
every breath steals my light,
a glimmer leaves my eyes,
then,
the color on my face,
now,
warmth from my hands.
i'm shamed and sinful,
disgusted by
my judgement.

_______________________________________

this unintentional feeling i'm feeling is uncomfortable.

Lovin' You Against My Will- Gary Allan

I don't wanna hurt nobody
Don't wanna make nobody cry
I don't wanna do wrong,
I don't wanna do wrong
I don't wanna tell no lies

I'm lovin' you, lovin' you against my will
Lovin' you, lovin' you against my will

I don't wanna hear the phone ring
Don't wanna hear your voice on the line
I don't wanna come to you,
I don't wanna come to you
I don't wanna give in this time

Girl, I'm lovin' you, lovin' you against my will

Your love is like a deep dark river
Pullin' me out to sea
The harder I try to resist you
The weaker I seem to be

I don't wanna turn down your side street
I don't wanna pull in your drive
Don't wanna see you standin' there,
don't wanna see you standin' there
Don't wanna see that look in your eyes

Girl, I'm lovin' you, lovin' you against my will

Your love is like a deep dark river
Pullin' me out to sea
The harder I try to resist you
The weaker I seem to be
I don't wanna feel your heartbeat
I don't wanna taste your kiss
I don't wanna call your name,
I don't wanna call your name
I don't wanna want you like this

Girl, I'm lovin' you, lovin' you against my will
Lovin' you, lovin' you against my will

questions

i can't remember the moment it was lost. the acrid feeling crept upon me, and i don't know the moment. was is a moment? or was it a plethora of moments? was it the obsequious nature? or diffident manners? i'd like to track it. i'd like to see if i can avoid it. i'd like to know if i want to avoid it. i'd like to quit my repining. i'd like to sit and watch a day go by without a woeful remark or sigh. alas, i'm left with this ineffectual speech and lewd lifestyle. at any moment i could irrupt with accidental meditated deviation. i could destroy myself. i don't want to take you with me. my slope is steep and the rashness of my actions shake it's unsturdy surface. don't stand so close to me. my dissolute mien may sink us. i abominate. i protest. i release. i give in. i give in. and. i give up.

Questions- Brandon Rhyder

if you feel in the water
would you sink or swim
or come up for air
to breathe again

i ask myself this question
every single day

if your lover left you
left you all alone
the pain that you feel
it hurt to the bone
would you love again

i ask myself this question
time and time again

as the glass that you hold
down falls to the floor
the answer you held
doesn't fit anymore
and that painting on the wall
is another shade
you don't know how it got that way

it's not wrong or right
to feel this way
will you love again
will you be betrayed
they're just answers to questions
we don't know
i know one day i'm gonna die
but today
i live for the ride

if you had a good friend
since you were a child
could you depend on them
if you were in a bind

i ask myself this question
every once in a while

if jesus called you
said "it's time to come home
is there anything here
that you've left undone"

oh, i ask myself this question
way too much

as the glass that you hold
down falls to the floor
the answer you held
doesn't fit anymore
that painting on your wall
is another shade
you don't know how it got that way

it's not wrong or right
to feel this way
will you love again
will you be ashamed
they're just answers to questions
we don't know
i know one day
i'm gonna die
but today
i live for the ride

bridges wash away
and some bridges get burned
there's a whole book of lessons
hell, that i haven't learned

when you look across the water
to the other side
will you be all alone
or will you turn the tide

it's not wrong or right
to feel this way
will you love again
will you be betrayed
they're just answers to questions
we don't know
i know one day i'm gonna die
but today
i live for the ride

my favorite place

Dearest Sunset,

I've watched you an uncountable amount of evenings. I've seen your golden rays strike the mountains with easeful force; eavesdropped while clouds loom over your misleadingly large setting star in anticipation of the approaching night; and missed your shades of grey transform black, while blinking. Your light rays dart out crossing each valley and hurdling every hill and impale my hair a shimmering-red, bringing out the true nature of a person's inner color, boring past all inadequacies, divulging ones splendor bounding about for all to view. I sigh savoring pink clouds as they linger till darkness befalls them and day embeds into night.

Despite any disappointment, I wish upon your descent, though its use may prove innocuous; though my dreams are abused and incessant, continually I will hope. Countless are the hours spent absorbing this radiance. Immeasurable is the worth of these hours. Fragile is this privilege in which I find myself, repeatedly: Sacred solitude resting silently in Gods' embrace. No such light may equal the quaking in my heart. Closer to the divine, for me, is impossible. I devote my faith to the God of Sky, Usher of Light, Nurturer of Time, Provider of Life, and so much more. I haven't capacity for all your sublime immensity.

Many blessings are received, most know it not. My true love shall rest in your eyes, ablaze in richness. Spoken words are dispensable; written words are causeless; and prayers redundant. For you, you see past all pre-disposed dispositions; all counterfeit condolences; and all random rambling. I can feel your hand touch my day-mares, thoughts, and longings that I may hunger. i need not want. Thank you seems inadequate and barren. I am now, and will always remain a faithful apostle of your Nature. Much appreciation extended to my esteemed deity.

In short: You are my Sky.

Sincerely full of your Grace,

Estell R. Breeze

fuck off

the pain in my forehead seems defining... a reflection, if you will. if i focus, i can feel each throb of my heart pump blood to my brain. it hurts something ugly. a vein attempts to protrude through the skin. if i focus... on something else, anything else... distract myself, it's merely dulling. always there, however minuet. i can mask it with pills... drugs, alcohol, sex. it's still there. reminding me of things past... reminding me where i was, am, and will be going. for now, though... i'll spend endless amounts of effort destroying it. telling my headache to "fuck off". i don't need you except for to leave. i'm tortured enough inside my own thought. its presence is not appreciated. unwelcome. resented, even. i'm alive and writhing in pain at any given moment... so fuck off. quit lingering. loitering. lasting. fuck off already. i mean really. come back on a morning when i'm well equipped. not at my weakest when i'm naked. unarmed. you fucking sneaky bastard. fuck off. leave me in my wallowing. i'm sure to yell at you later. you know i'll visit this place again. i frequent your domain. i send myself there with each drip of liquor or wine... with each flirtation... with each stare i give. with each kiss i hand out. with each graze of skin. i'll be back... don't worry... just fuck off for now. please.

once i get what i need.. i need more of it.
i'm greedy.
oh yes, greedy.

the hands that touch me are generous.
generous
with delicate strokes down my back
and stinging slaps on my backside.

i would willingly do anything
they asked of me. anything.
they need only point me in their desired direction.

they are never angry and
never curse.

they are rough...
but tender in their enthusiasm.
i trust them to bruise me gently.
and softly caress my passionate wounds after.

they make promises. they keep promises.
never judging. only pleasing.
they are welcome to spend the day exploring... anywhere.
tease tickle touch. stroke slap sting.

the hands that touch me are generous. generous in their pleasing.

fuck your punctuation

this is such a shaky broken path i am on. the cobblestones are cracked. i keep tripping. weeds grow between the cracks... a hindrance. so many obstacles. just to get where i once was. i'm uncertain how i got here. i can't remember how i turned on this street. i remember setting my blinker... but i thought for sure i would just drive past. i thought for sure i'd make the right decisions. i never let anyone know me. especially myself. i have no idea how this person overcame me. i apparently, don't know much. it's a shame. i'm not unintelligent. i'm just lost.

this i don't deserve.

All I Need- Bart Crow Band

Well, I can feel your heartbeat when your lying by my side
I can see forever when I look into your eyes
Each day beside you, girl you take my breath away
Right here in your arms is where I wanna stay

It's the way that you look girl
When you're reading late at night
It's the way that your body feels
When you're lying by my side
A love like ours, it can't be built in a million dreams

It's just you and me and girl, you're all I need
Watching you walk inyeah, you're dancing through your world
Got your heart on my hands 'cause you're daddy's bittle girl
Baby, I've loved you from our very first hello

At first, you stole my heart, baby, here's my soul
It's the way that you look girl
When you're readying late at night
It's the way that your body feels

When you're lying by my side
A love like ours, it can't be built in a million dreams
It's just you and me and girl, you're all I need
I never knew love could be so sweet
I never knew, girl, that you could love me
But I'll spend each day just to make your dreams come true
'Cause it's just you and me
Baby, it's me and you

It's the way that you look girl
When you're reading late at night
It's the way that your body feels
When you're lying by my side
A love like ours, it can't be built in a million dreams

It's just you and me and girl, you're all I need
It's just you and me, baby
It's you and me, darlin
'its you and me and girl your all i need

new things

this... is this. this is simple. i type... you read. it doesn't get easier. i can write endlessly. if only it would always stay simple. i'll close the monitor, and a million feelings rush back. a million feelings... fears... terrors even, hit me. hard. a year is a long time. maybe i'll figure this out. maybe i will. maybe i'll know where i'll go. maybe i'll drift. i'll be a drifter... ha a female drifter. i may have to learn to play the guitar. i wonder how i'll finance it? free lance? free lance, what... is an appropriate question. we'll see.

sounds about right

my desire consists of one thing

i can still smell you
on my hands
in my hair

my nipples ache
from your mouth
on me

i can still feel you
gripped in my hand
stiff and firm

i can still hear you
i get anxious
very anxious
when you whine

i want you more
i want to lay naked
run your rough hands up my sides
grip my hip bones
slap my ass if
you wish

please...
under the stars,
make me plead for it...

you know exactly what i want. i've expressed it several times. it's clear. what do you want? it's part of my desire... to know. eloquence is not required. simple sentences will suffice. you can whisper it... i'll listen closely, i promise. i'll close my eyes... breathe deep, and listen. then act. simple requests. only kind i have. keep a secret and ravage me. your only tasks. ravage me. ravage me. ravage me.

i could spend a year writing these. i could spend more than a year. will i exhaust myself? that's one to ponder. i'm dangling on the brink of danger... playing with the flames of hell. it's exciting... and yet i'm fearful. change is scary. will i breathe on my own? will i suffocate? i'm underground. will i spend my life trying to surface? i'm suffocating now. i can't look back on my life and wonder which part belonged to me. i can't. i need it all to belong to me. my selfishness needs it. must have it. must. i'm sure to learn the most of myself in a crisis. tragedy becomes me, i think. but... does poor decision making define me? not sure.

i am sure, however, i can't spend the rest of my life not saying what i need to say. and what i need to say... right now... is... more... harder... more... harder. and... i need to scream. from a mountain... as loud as i can. i'll do anything for freedom... i'll do anything for anything.

"All emotions are pure which gather you and lift you up; that emotion is impure which seizes only one side of your being and so distorts you."
Rainer Maria Rilke

interesting.

when i get what i want i don't want it

i hate that about myself. i wanted to be accepted by a certain someone. now that i am, i'll probably be destroying that relationship. i guess i better enjoy it now, eh? yea. shit. i could, and probably will, spend my whole life searching for someone else... i know i'll never find it, but i have to try, right? can't be 50 and just starting out... better to be 30. i guess.

30... holy crap. that's way older than i ever thought i'd make it. i was sure i'd die young in some tragic accident. i still can't see myself at 40, though. no. can't. i tried again just now. it doesn't work. maybe, some horrible writing accident.... like i keep licking the end of my quill and it turns out to be poison. i'll write a few brilliant lines, and right in the middle of the most profound thing i'll ever write, i kick it. the literature world will spend decades trying to predict what my next word would have been. that would be awesome. i'd have to make a trip back from hell to check on their progress every 100 years... or so.

like i'd be so fortunate.... really though... good writers are generally a bit nutty. i want to be a great writer. i guess that means i'll have to lose my mind someday. maybe then i won't care about sex and money and material things. all i'll need are my notebooks and a gun (cause i'll be crazy and think people are after me... don't worry, i'm sure it won't be loaded)... oh a pen too... even a pencil, though i don't like to erase what i write. if i write it, it was for a reason. so... i guess you're lucky if you are a shitty writer... you won't go crazy.

so... yea.

patience

i think i'm going to resist you

though i want to lay on you naked

you shouldn't have this sort of control

i'm taking some back

though i want your mouth on mine

and other places

but i think it's wise

to battle my urges

for as long as is possible

i'd like to make you want me

i'd like to see you squirm and tremble

though i want you to take me

i've already taken myself

many

times

so i'll abstain

and see if your sense of touch catches fire

i'll wait.

don't make the mistake of asking some one to digest your actions. you'll be disappointed. they say they won't judge. they say it's not their place. they lie. no one will understand you, like you.
you'd like to think... you'd try not to repeat your mistakes. it's all i want. i want to be wrong. being right, hurts. being right makes me feel like a fraud. i can't be her. i can't be her.

fallible
are my temerarious
decisions

i'll pretend... for far too long. possibly waste myself. then, i'll try to recover. i'll try to forget. i'll try to forget.................. that i can't remember.

What I Cannot Change - Leann Rimes

I know what makes me comfortable
And I know what makes me tick
And I when I need to get my way
I know how to pour it on thick

Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I awake
I face the day, and pray to God
I won’t make the same mistakes

All the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, yeah I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

Yeah I don’t know my father
Or my mother well enough
It seems like every time we talk
We can’t get past the little stuff

The pain is self-inflicted
I know it’s not good for my health
But it’s easier to please the world
Than it is to please myself

All the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change,
yeah I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

Right now I can’t care about how everyone else really feels
I have enough hurt of my own to heal

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, yeah I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

i hate it when he holds my hand. it makes me feel lost.

Waiting is all I have,
Waiting...
Smiling through the chorus,
Sobbing the verses...
Hiding,
Anticipating,
Each word
Every letter
Making up memories...
All I am is pretending,
Pretending
Pretending
Faking the crowd
Showing my façade...
My façade
Is perfected
Flawless and deceiving...
Wanting is all I have
Wanting
All I am is Waiting...
I am fantastically well versed
with misconception.
Deception....
... don't... believe... a... word... I... write.

girl like me

you don't owe me an explanation. why would you? i don't care where you were or why you didn't call. stop that talking and kiss me. don't complicate it. just kiss me.

i want nothing of a relationship. i just want to use you.

can i use you? i promise you'll smile. timing is insignificant. love doesn't matter. only touch. don't talk. quench this thirsty woman. that is your only mission.
i could spend an hour compiling a list of what i'd let you do to me. i would not finish quickly.

don't promise me anything... darlin', you don't need a girl like me...

Girl Like Me- Miranda Lambert



You don't need a girl like me

I've got bruises you can't see

And when the lights go out

I won't be around



You don't need a girl like me



You can't have a heart like mine

But you can hold it for a while

and when the lights go out

I won't be around



You can't have a heart like mine



There's a rule that goes unwritten

And I break it from time to time

If you're fool enough to listen

Then I'm fool enough to lie



That's the kind of girl I am

I take off before I land

And even though you think you can

You can't change the way I am



Cause the rule remains unwritten

I still break it from time to time

If you're fool enough to listen

Then I'm fool enough to lie

You can't change the way I am



You don't need a girl like me