Perfected Glitches

Accept the flaws.

Embrace the imaginary faults created, and the ones that go unseen.

Support in future failings.

That is fucking perfect.

this room is quiet.

heavy light
lives behind his eyes.
he looks to night
and lights up the sky.

a million tons of
pressure, restless
on his brow.
i watch him, as aidless
as i am allowed.

i sit still
as he looks into me.
my heart beats fills
its veins a salty sea.

i can feel my eyes widen
and threaten to explode.
a welcome weightless burden,
i'd gladly bestow.

my hands, I clasp
slightly,
amplifying their longing,
to reach out and grasp
tightly,
his heart for my belonging.

Foolhardy

In a fragile fashion,

he places my face in his hands,

careful not to disrupt

our naive plans.

He stares just long enough

in my eyes to incite a spark,

and fast averts his gaze...

...pressing our luck.

Our words are delicate,

like frozen flowers

laying nervous, in a fire,

soaking in a cautious cower.

Brittle bits of us leak

on our paths apart,

our stained willpower weak,

permanent in our hearts.

I could be doing this wrong.

Do I make up my own rules?

Base them on what I can take?

What I think is right/wrong?

Well, then I am doing it right and it still sucks. 

Lacing my shoes in pitch black morning,
stars bright and twinkling like new snow falling,
my breath floats like steam in the rays of my headlight,
and my legs stand ready to tackle the frightening night.

guardian

sorrow grew
and i felt her coming.
a deep breathing in
grief,
a soft exhale
of recline...

then, she grasped my heart, quickly.

soft compassionate
rays
reflected in my eyes,
and glowed in the day.

as she held my hand, patiently.

they
shade the sun
a dim glimmer
and warmed
my skin
like evening light.

as she whispered, "easy."

calm air
drifted from her lips
like lazy clouds in a
blueless sky.
and i am filled,

and she let go my hand, gently.

she left as quiet
as day starts.
returns when only
needed.
but always
in an instant...

she rests behind my eyes, sweetly.

I have a way. I know people before they know me.  It's not hard, really, to remain mysterious. This was not always my way. I was open and caring and loving and giving. But, something has changed. Nurture has changed my nature.

The independence of being single is addictive. So, I keep myself hidden to stay this way. So, I want men who don't want me. So, I keep myself hidden this way.

The trick is--no one ever knows me.

I may have a lonely way.  But it has been my way for longer than I realize. Maybe 15 years. 

I just can't figure out what it is with you. Why did you call me? It would have been fine if you hadn't. It would have been better. I wish I knew how to speak the words to you: just leave me alone. I've said it to others with ease but not you. Why? So dumb. 

Why? Why did you call me? Sure it was my birthday but we hadn't spoken in months. I care for you and you treat me like a backseat second choice.

We both know you lied to me. 

Just leave me alone. 

>just get up and brush your teeth

>just make a cup of coffee

>just put on your run clothes

>just put on your shoes

>just drive to the trail

>just run 5 miles, do weighted squats, deadlifts, planks, lunges, step ups

>just be sore

>just be satisfied

>just take it a step at a time

I like his decisiveness.

That determined look he gets

When he knows what he wants. 

When he takes what he wants. 

Our glances meet and he squints. 

He leans in and kisses me,

Hand on my neck.

Simple breaths on mouths

With perfect measure.

Desire keen with pouts.

Embracing pleasure. 

When he takes what he wants. 

His rhythm excites

Smooth chills and

Heartbeats - soft

Touches and

Tingled feet.

Sweet parting -

A sticky kissing mess.

My warm lips

left wanting.

Speechless. 

When he waits for what he wants. 

The desire to flee in me is overwhelming. I want to run and hide all the time. I've been in one spot for almost four years, and it's suffocating. I can't stand it.

I'm trying to fight it. I'm trying.

The Hardest Hearts are the Hardest to Mend

He set his stage careful,

with trust
and heart
and love.

I handed him my heart,

Locked tight, and

Guarded with care.

I handed him the key.

He drown it in gun powder
with rockets
and sparklers
and

Turned his back slow,

with a wink

and smirk
and

I panicked

and breathed,
soft,
to stop.

He lit me on fire.

But hope
and need
and trust,
kept me still.

The fuse ablaze
with slow motion
and fear
and intent

Eruption
BOOM.

My love rained down
random,

Fizzling before it hit the ground. 

I felt the reflection in my eyes

Die.

I watched my heart fade into

Countless pieces of shining blood.

He rejoiced. He laughed. He left.

That mother fucker. 

Living life like a foster kid. I don't know how to change. 

Forgiveness is not free. Why's this still surprising people. 

just try to see me

I am almost always on my own.

I have a lonely way about me. There is a distance in my conversation with others.  I bob and weave personal questions, only giving up vague information.  I disappear at parties on my own, sometimes don't say goodbye when leaving, and avoid eye contact for prolonged periods.  I might be forgettable. I don't intend such.  I was raised to project strength--to BE strong.  It is my weakness.

Takes a different kind of person to see me.  Time and effort are required to break through this stupid hardened shell that I cannot shed.  I play my cards close to my chest. I don't know how to just let people see me.  So many have been careless. They think I don't hurt. I suppose I know the reasoning.  Well, I still feel fucking crummy.

So annoying that it's basically my fault.

Runner's High

Brittle pink and pumping,
my poison darts.
Little veins throbbing,
tissue-roped remorse.

Sticky sins dissolving
past red paved pasts.
Crinkled confused cadence
pulsing a proper path.

Brilliant and burning,
fire under my feet.
Measured steady striding,
rhythmic solid beats.

Swaying and dancing
with muscled scars.
The high seducing
my sweet red heart.