Love + Condition = False Love

i will love you when:

-i'm gloriously happy
-you bring me flowers
-you love me
-the sun is shining
-nothing breaks down
-all chores are done
-everything is perfect

i will love you when all conditions are prime and everything is perfect you will have all my love. i will be smiling and happy and everything with seem like heaven. i will love you when those conditions are met.

i will love you when:

-you don't feel well
-i am grumpy
-i can't have all of your attention
-we can't decide on dinner
-you say the wrong thing
-our pasts get in the way
-you forget the milk, don't take out the trash, fall asleep while i'm talking, steal the covers and snore... because you are tired.

i will love you when all of these conditions are met. i will love you all the time. things will never be perfect.

my love knows nothing of fleeting.
my heart knows nothing of conditional.

i will love you:

-always.

i found myself in accidental search of you.

it's good to feel deserving. i don't really know why i ever felt less than worthy. i know i can't have everything i want... but, dammit, i'm getting close. love has always driven me. i've given up a lot of me for things other men wanted or needed. i don't want that to be a condition of someone's love for me again. it's a bit of a catch, though. i mean, i don't want to be expected to sacrifice for someone else and if i don't, be ridiculed for it. and, at the same time, if my lover really is my lover, then he will want to sacrifice for me and, in turn, i'll want to give everything to him. although no sacrifice will be necessary. we'll be gaining so much more than either would lose.

i want to make you so happy... and it's partly a result of how happy you want to make me... how happy you MAKE me. i can't wait until i can get to the business of being blissful with you. i want not to worry about time tables. i want only to be... happy. no need to marry or make public proclamations (although, i want the world to know); i don't think it will be difficult to discern from the outside.

i don't ask Fate questions anymore. i don't care to determine where you came from or where you've been. i only care that you are here. and i want to revel in the present in the future... everyday. i can't wait to get there. i'll keep my patience under control as often as possible. my skin longs to know yours so badly that my fingers explode at the thought of being on your cheek.

/sigh.

soon.

unpublished insecurity

i struggle with insecurity a lot. there are no reasons for this pesky emotion? idea? i'm not sure how it is defined. i'd have to look it up but for the sake of sincerity in this post, i won't until i've concluded it. i've had so much time to do something different... so much wasted time. but, i sit with malcontent in my office glaring at the back of my bosses head. even in a mindless job such as this, i am insecure. i'm focused on the lack of appreciation. i do not know why. why do i care if this man i do not respect... who does not respect me... gives a rat's ass about what i do on my down time? i don't know. insecurity. i need praise even from the weakest of people because he is the only one there to give me that praise.

instead... it's things like this:

Me: (muffled and under my breath cause it wasn't meant for another's ears) "my pants are pissing me off."

Him: "Take 'em off."

SERIOUSLY.

that's not the only example i can give. i have this overwhelming desire need for you to look at me. i'm aware it's not always rational. i'm not sure it will go away. i love the feeling too much. when you look at me, i feel a soft burn. it feel so good and i am satiated. when you look away, i have a sad place in my heart, and i am immediately in need of your attention again. greedy. yes, greedy i am. needy? maybe. i don't know. i'm not angry. just greedy. i want more of what makes me feel good. and you make my heart catch fire; my ribs might melt any moment from the steam rising. i'm not so sure this is insecurity... maybe it's just greediness. who knows. i'm in no place to determine. i do know, it feels crazy wonderful and a bit terrifying. i don't want to ever loose those feelings.

___________________________________________

2/12/09: (i hated this time; i was trying so hard... and i was working toward nothing)

"your heart pulses swiftly,

hidden and discrete."

8/4/09: (i want so exposed at this time.)

"i think i've been free failing for long enough. i've kept my eyes closed and prayed desperately to no one for a soft landing. it doesn't feel as spontaneous and exhilarating as one might think.

i just want to be trusted."

both short posts i've never published. insecurity. i don't know why i was so insecure. i knew the object of my subject would never read them. he never read my writings. he didn't care. maybe that was it? maybe i need him to read because i couldn't tell him how i felt. i know there are more unpublished. some are much longer. more words never said aloud... but said to a blank piece of paper that would not judge or criticize. i think that's key for me... to be able to yell at someone, and not have them yell back.

at any rate, it's just more insecurity. more insecurity that i'd like to overcome some how. i think you'll help me with that... even without trying. with your smoldering stare and generous glances i get a bit to warm me up... keep me company until you get here. i love the way you say, "babe." Gah. I love it.

i.am.bubbling.over.with.excitement.

my love knows nothing of fleeting

my heart rests
and waits.
patient.
no anxious beating-
my love knows nothing
of fleeting.
enraptured by the hand
stroking my cheek,
with a certain savoring affection,
reality seems to intrude,
the flaming fear in my eyes meets
the calm satiating burn, in yours,
reluctance is sucked away in a moment's blink.
the blue pulsing my veins
reddens,
and so proceeds
inevitable glorious falling.

i feel like i have a ton of bricks on my chest. it's a sweet sorrow. i miss you and it hurts a little sometimes. i miss you. and, i've never touched you. such a strange feeling to me. said three times... i miss you.

the older i get, the more i understand myself. i've always noted my bad habits or character traits and thought, "my mom used to do that." i've tried hard to work on these things that make me like my mother... these things i despise. and, i believe i've accomplished some growth. life is pointless without growth. one of these bad habits is negativity. negativity to include only recording the things i hate about myself... about her. there are so many things i do and like to do because they are my mother's good habits. i try to find the good in me and my mom. she's beautiful and kind. she's giving, hard working, understanding, funny and forgiving. my fingers just had to pause and brush away a tear because i can't help but let the joy flow when i think of her. she's wonderful with all her faults because they are heavily out weighed by her strengths. i can only hope i am more like her everyday and try to get there. she is not something to be avoided, but to be adored. i need to call her today and tell her these things. i'm certain i'd get two words out and the rest would be jumbled by sobs... which, she would still understand.

all this and more are things for which i'm thankful.

______________________________________________________

at any time in my life, i can be defined by so few words. the words are different much of the time... but they are always simple.

Write You A Letter- Ray LaMontagne

If I told you how I'm feeling
And how my heart was always reeling
Then maybe you could understand me a little better
If I was to write you a letter

And if I told you how I worry
Isn't how I always seem to hurry
And maybe you would understand me a little better
If I was to write you a letter

fate... you are not subtle. you are trying to tell me something. you are screaming. i'm all ears.

because my hands cannot be,
my thoughts are all over you.
i close my eyes to reveal
short films of fantasy,
replaying for my pleasure,
every tender caress.
and
mentioned
gesture.

closed tight over my eyes
my palms preserve desire.
casings of love's prize,
saved later for fire.

with
perseverating imagination
and reluctant reality,
i stand back from day dreams,
and wait for their coming,

and, as always,
because my hands cannot be,
my thoughts are all over you.

THEN
intention. how do we measure intention? fucking impossible. if you are uncertain of someone's intentions, chances are, they aren't good. it's so unfair. you are asking for all the perks... but not willing to pay the price, which doesn't even matter anymore because i don't want it. i don't want anything that comes with a price tag. i am here because you don't have anyone else? why? WHERE the fuck was all this emotion? i don't know, still, what you want. "silence is" your "self-defense". you are a mystery to me.

NOW
intention. ours are the same. love. ours is the same. we are so due.. so fucking due to feel this way... to be felt feeling this way. we want to scream about it. our walls are raised, we let one another inside, shut them behind. they aren't locked, but they require a secret pass code. you have mine; i have yours. it's not a combination that will change every 15 days. once obtained, the key never changes. communication, expression, and honesty are our offense. when i know your eyes in mine, the future becomes the present and we live in it, always... happily.

feeling. FEELING these emotions are things i've been waiting for... all my life. i was not aware of the things i REALLY wanted and needed. growth is a tremendous feeling. i'm learning so many things. self worth is the most important. i have loved, and lost. i've had friends i've lost. it's all very sad. these people are not easily forgotten. i'm learning to deal with grief. not internally... but not outwardly either. i'm learning where to find solace. i'm learning about the people that matter. i'm learning how to hold on to those people. i'm just learning. and it's a great feeling. i feel liberated. i'm overjoyed with excitement for my future. it can hold so many things... great things. my most important goal? that when people meet me... get to know me... they REALLY know me. no one will be mistaken of who i am. i have no desire to be mysterious. no more will i bend and shift. i am who i am... and, shit, i like me. i'm happy.

Please

please don't leave,
i wanna wake up with you,
and snuggle while the sun rises,
reminisce and smile about the night before,
hide our morning breath with closed kisses.
i wanna whine when you get up for work,
pull you back into bed and beg for just
five
more
minutes.

please stay with me.
i want to pretend it's night all over again,
make love in the morning's light,
so i can see your face, and you mine,
while the sun's rays peak off your chest,
and highlight your eyes.
leave the window open,
so breezes will intensify the chills you
already give me.

no, please don't go.
i wanna rest my head on your soft skin
and share our fears through tears,
while fighting my heavy eyes,
just to hear you drift off.
stretching, i'll feel you hogging the bed
and tugging at the way too small covers.

please, please, stay here.
i want to tell you the stories in my head
from the night's dreams and mares.
fall asleep as you stroke my stomach and hair,
feel your breath on my neck
and skin against mine.
your heart pounds with every inhale.
time pauses as
you
exhale.

i can't stand it when you leave.
it gets so lonely on your side of the bed.
i enclose myself in pillows
and pretend it's you i'm clinging to.
but i can't sleep missing you.
can't we just pretend
like there's no one else to please,
and we have eternity trapped in a box,
and time's all we've got...

please don't leave.
i wanna wake up with you.

in afternoon
when breezes are stiff
and sweet blooms
hibernate and drift,

i await new destinations
and break old ideas,
while birds exhaust pollination.
a gust soft lifts my hair,
and sets it back down.
my emotions are bare,
and my sorrows drown.

i rest my hands on my knees
and pretend,
i'm dried leaves
waiting on the wind

i'm beginning to understand me now. every realization can be credited to all the people in my life... those who have hurt me, those i've hurt, those who love me, and those i wish would. i'm done trying to be the perfect girlfriend. i'm done trying. i am who i am and i'm pretty sure i'm not liked by all. and, i'm ok with that. i don't want to be disliked, but i just can't up and change me to suit you. that's the reality. neither of us is wrong... but together, we aren't right. just reality. we teach our children to love themselves as they are and it usually refers to their appearance. well, i'm extending concept to personality. i like me. there are plenty of people who also like me. i'll be me while you be you. my growth will be self induced. and, in the spirit of self-reflection and commitment, i'll put some things on paper.

things i want to/am working on:
-stop censoring myself
-have less road rage.
-go back to school and stop making excuses why i can't
-write more
-pay more attention to Lucy
-connect with my family more
-write more
-write more

i could probably spend years making that list and rightfully so. i hope i never think i'm through growing personally. that would be arrogant. i want, however, to start really believing i can be happy just as i am. that someone will be happy with me, just as i am.

and still,
i'm a bucket of hope.
i'll let it splash and sprinkle
everyone.
i'll share it.
no one should be without it. Hope.

is it possible to miss someone you haven't met?

nature vs. nurture

i have every reason to run, to shut down, to guard myself, or to just simply... not try. but i don't. that's not ME. everything that has happened in life suggests that i would be an emotionally barred person... distant and empty. nurture would demand it. nurture would say "every man will leave you." this has been method. traditionally... men leave me. i've known only one to stay.

nurture would suggest otherwise what nature forces. i am not emotionally barred. my heart is fluid. it beats with your every breath. it's bated. it's stifled... it's impatient waiting for you to be you. it's tired. my heart hurts for her own reality. it's hurts for my object to overcome me. but i wait... i wait with my nature in silence, my emotions in solace, my heart in chains... it's not me. my nature is giving, loving, showing, sharing... it's not waiting.

i just don't know where i am anymore. i'm stuck in a place i don't welcome. i'm so unhappy.

i believe my nurture would have shut me down. my nature helps me to understand that a broken heart is another emotion. another emotion that i am capable of overcoming.

i can mend and move on. i will... just fucking tell me to do it. and i will.

fuck.