i'm beginning to understand me now. every realization can be credited to all the people in my life... those who have hurt me, those i've hurt, those who love me, and those i wish would. i'm done trying to be the perfect girlfriend. i'm done trying. i am who i am and i'm pretty sure i'm not liked by all. and, i'm ok with that. i don't want to be disliked, but i just can't up and change me to suit you. that's the reality. neither of us is wrong... but together, we aren't right. just reality. we teach our children to love themselves as they are and it usually refers to their appearance. well, i'm extending concept to personality. i like me. there are plenty of people who also like me. i'll be me while you be you. my growth will be self induced. and, in the spirit of self-reflection and commitment, i'll put some things on paper.

things i want to/am working on:
-stop censoring myself
-have less road rage.
-go back to school and stop making excuses why i can't
-write more
-pay more attention to Lucy
-connect with my family more
-write more
-write more

i could probably spend years making that list and rightfully so. i hope i never think i'm through growing personally. that would be arrogant. i want, however, to start really believing i can be happy just as i am. that someone will be happy with me, just as i am.

and still,
i'm a bucket of hope.
i'll let it splash and sprinkle
everyone.
i'll share it.
no one should be without it. Hope.

is it possible to miss someone you haven't met?

nature vs. nurture

i have every reason to run, to shut down, to guard myself, or to just simply... not try. but i don't. that's not ME. everything that has happened in life suggests that i would be an emotionally barred person... distant and empty. nurture would demand it. nurture would say "every man will leave you." this has been method. traditionally... men leave me. i've known only one to stay.

nurture would suggest otherwise what nature forces. i am not emotionally barred. my heart is fluid. it beats with your every breath. it's bated. it's stifled... it's impatient waiting for you to be you. it's tired. my heart hurts for her own reality. it's hurts for my object to overcome me. but i wait... i wait with my nature in silence, my emotions in solace, my heart in chains... it's not me. my nature is giving, loving, showing, sharing... it's not waiting.

i just don't know where i am anymore. i'm stuck in a place i don't welcome. i'm so unhappy.

i believe my nurture would have shut me down. my nature helps me to understand that a broken heart is another emotion. another emotion that i am capable of overcoming.

i can mend and move on. i will... just fucking tell me to do it. and i will.

fuck.

potential requires opportunity

i am breathing heavily, and the sighs are often... impressive and beautiful is potential. there is so much possibility in potential. my skin sighs as i imagine the possibility. with every inhale i'm more excited, yet slightly distraught with my exhales. they are long, drawn out... as is this possibility. it can be productive or destructive. it's resting in the hands of no one. it's difficult to control. uncontrollably. infinite. possibility.

potential requires opportunity. i want the excitement that comes with potential. and the tenderness that comes with opportunity. i want so many things. i'm greedy. i'm slightly needy.
timing. it's really all about timing. i grow impatient with possibility. it's result is slower than i'd prefer. i want things now. i want to live in the now... but, possibility leaves me waiting for tomorrow constantly. constantly. i try diligently to control my anxiety. but, there are times when my skin is on fire and i can't sit still. i pace. my mind paces. and when satisfaction comes... i want more of it. i'm satisfied with constant satisfaction. does that mean i'm never pleased? definitely not. it means i want more of what i'm getting. i think i've said before... that's the point. to want more and more of this one thing that makes me happy. if i stop wanting it then it's time to leave. i want the pain in my cheeks that comes from a permanent smile.

i want i want i want... but, what do you want? as always, it's part of my desire to know.
________________________________________

i don't believe in fate. i don't believe that a path has been laid for me. i wouldn't be comfortable with the lack of control that denotes. so, if i have no path, i'm much like a shooting star. life is much like that. a human being is beautiful... we are born from elements. we shine and shimmer and have our glory. we crash beautifully to the ground in a blaze without direction. so, "all we are, are shooting stars.." then, "love and tenderness" are priority. emotions and actions that cause joy to us and their chosen targets. how important? to feel real joy. real love. to give it in return, another wonder not to be neglected or taken for granted.

i'm rambling.

Shooting Stars- Edwin McCain

Maybe this life is just about love and tenderness
If all we are are shooting stars

We keep our love in a plain brown box
We keep it tied with a simple lock
We hold it close 'cause it's all we got
You'd think it's ordinary but it's not

In a world that's starting to fade
A little love could pave the way
Don't keep it tied with the simple lock
You'd think it's ordinary but it's not

Maybe this life is just about love and tenderness
If all we are are shooting stars
Maybe we, we can fight
All of this pain and loneliness if
All we are are shooting stars

Tired of hearing 'bout the bling-bling
We're so concerned with material things
It's all cars and diamond rings
And do you think it's gonna to ease your sting

Cause that's a hole that you can't fill
Velvet rope overkill
Free your mind let your heart sing
And just remember that they're only things...

Maybe this life is just about love and tenderness
If all we are are shooting stars
Maybe we, we can fight
All of this pain and loneliness if
All we are are shooting stars

I used to live by the minutes
I was too blind to see
Now I've found the strength to admit it
Now it's all I believe
Please

Maybe this life is just about love and tenderness
If all we are are shooting stars
Maybe we, we can fight
All of this pain and loneliness if
All we are are shooting stars

sleep is evil

sleep. sleep eludes me on numerous occasions. i can never seem to get there no matter how tired i am. i spend about 30 minutes tweaking a play list... then, another ten arranging the pillows to where it doesn't feel like i'm alone. then, my mind starts to do forceful dreaming or awake dream as i like to call it. i go through so my different scenarios. sometimes i think about awful things and i'm not certain the reason. this can last an hour or more. then, if i finally do fall asleep, my mind is forced into dreams i can't control. sometimes they wake me. sometimes they confuse me even more. sometimes they wake me and i don't remember them... just that i wanted to be out of them. so if they wake me this whole cycle starts again!!! GAH! i just need some rest.

i don't get enough rest.

he carries his tears in a bucket.
careful not to splash it.
it's heavy. it's weighed him down.
but, he won't share the burden.
he's prideful.
he is alone.
______________________________

Del Amitri- Tell Her This

Tell her not to go
I ain't holding on no more
Tell her something in my mind freezes up from time to time

Tell her not to cry
I just got scared that's all
Tell her I'll be by her side, all she has to do is call
All she has to do is call

Tell her the chips are down
I drank too much and shouted it aloud
Tell her something in my heart
Needs her more than even clowns need the laughter of the crowd

Tell her what was wrong
I sometimes think to much
But say nothing at all
And tell her from this high terrain, I am ready now to fall
I am ready now to fall

Tell her not to go
I ain't holding on no more
Tell her nothing if not this; all I want to do is kiss her

Tell her something in my mind
Freezes up from time to time.

i want, so bad, for someone to be crazy about me. i deserve, don't i? is this worth waiting for? does he love me? is he CRAZY about me? i want to know what he feels like. i want to feel what it's like when someone is all about you... crazy for you... can't wait to talk to you, see you, hug you... i want to know what that's like. i wanna feel it.

if he's not crazy about me... then what the fuck am i doing?

i hate the taste of tears.
they bubble in my eyes.
and burn cuts on my face.
black rain drops
streak my cheeks.
they reach the corners
of my mouth and sneak in.
i hate the taste of sadness.

the words i write are not intended to manipulate. why do i feel this is somehow their undesired result? is my "gift" of written word not that at all? but a rather sharp weapon guilty of unintentional sabotage? i can force someone to see something they would otherwise refuse. then, minds are changed... feelings hurt, possibly. and lives altered. no, not intended. the intended is inspiration... thought provocation. phrases like "what are you thinking?" are attempts to collect said hopeful inspiration. however, feedback is not necessary, but no doubt, welcome. i often pause in conversation in an effort to find proper words to express myself. this only fills my own need to be heard and surely not some conscious plot to extract the answer i want... right? i don't know who i'm asking. i don't think i'll get answer... this, this is an answer i'd like to know. it is not a random question posed to no one. it is also not intended for one single soul. still, i don't bate my breath for a response.

a life alone is not a life at all, it seems.
_______________________________

i've yet to decypher the meaning in the song, but i find it sad and beautiful. the music... erotic and sensitive.

Closer- Kings of Leon

Stranded in this spooky town
Stoplight is swaying and the phone lines are down
Snow is crackling cold
She took my heart, I think she took my soul
With the moon I run
Far from the carnage of the fiery sun

Driven by the strangle of vain
Showing no mercy I'd do it again
Open up your eyes
You keep on crying
Baby I'll bleed you dry
Skies are blinking at me
I see a storm bubbling up from the sea

And it's coming closer
And it's coming closer

You shimmy-shook my boat
Leaving me stranded all in love on my own
Do you think of me
Where am I now
Baby where do I sleep
Feels so good but I'm old
2000 years of chasing taking its toll

And it's coming closer
And it's coming closer
And it's coming closer
And it's coming closer

save me

i often sing this song in the car or at home. i listen to the words and imagine who they apply to... who would i save? and, on the way to work today, i realized i ought to be singing in front of a mirror. i want so badly to be saved by someone. i need to rescue myself.

Save You- Kelly Clarkson

I can tell
I can tell how much you hate this
And deep down inside you know it's killing me
I can call wish you well and try to change this
But nothing I can say would change anything

Where were my senses?
I left them all behind
Why did I turn away?
Away

I wish I could save you
I wish I could say to you
I'm not going nowhere
I wish I could say to you
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright

Didn't mean
Didn't mean to leave you stranded
Went away cause I didn't want to face the truth
Reaching out
Reach for me
Empty handed
You don't know if I care
You're trying to find the proof

There were times I'd wonder
Could I have eased your pain?
Why did I turn away?
Away

I wish I could save you
I wish I could say to you
I'm not going nowhere
I wish I could say to you
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright
Save you
It's gonna be alright
I wish I could save you

We can pretend nothing's changed
Pretend it's all the same
And there will be no pain
Tonight

It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright
Save you

It's gonna be alright
I wish I could save you
I'm not going nowhere
I wish I could say to you
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright
Save you
It's gonna be alright
I wish I could save you
It's gonna be alright

trust. i just want to be trusted. i'm not. instead... emotions are censored and overdone as they are released to me. my emotions are raw, irrational at times and real.

which is the sin?

shaping your thoughts to fit into a perfect safe emotional box? editing your feelings so that no one ever sees you? i mean REALLY sees you?

or, honest and often expression of true feeling? it might be irrational at times, but it's most important trait is honesty. the best part... everyone knows how i feel. could also be seen as the worst part. but, i can't spend my entire life being scared for someone to see me... really see me. i'm more terrified that i will never be seen.

so, i'll put myself out there. i'll make sure i'm not terrified of everyone the rest of my life. i'll trust others with my heart. and, if it gets broken, i'll mend it.

Q: Tell me something about yourself that you wouldn't tell most people.

A: I don't miss my dad. I know I ought to miss him or have some resentment built up against him, but I don't. At least, I don't think I do. I can't pinpoint any if I sit down and think long and hard about it. I know there is a fundamental life skill I'm lacking because he was not in my life for very long... but, never having known this function has allowed me never to miss it. I'm sure my life is affected by the absence of a male figure in the household or whatever... But, what it is, I don't know. I do know that I would have loved him. I do know that I would miss loving him when he died. Of that I'm sure because I've known love. If it's known me is another question. If it's aware... if it breathes, I do believe so, but would not assume it has breathed my name. So, the first love from a man a girl experiences has not been in my life. I guess I've never been certain of the signs of a man's love. Maybe that's what I'm lacking?

So, if asked my answer would be "No." I do not miss my father. But, I miss what I never knew: His Love.

I'm more needy on certain days... like when it rains. It's somber drizzle, for some reason, makes the amount tenderness I need increase. It also increases my sensitivity to the lack of it.

I'm not sure there is a solution to this problem. How frustrating.

insatiable

i don't think my lips have ever been happier and insatiable. i can't get enough hugs or kisses... enough smiles or heavy sighs. i can't listen to enough heart beats. because, they are all limited. the number i'm allotted is not as high as i would like. although, i'm sure my heart would never be satisfied. that's the point, isn't it? to ALWAYS want these things from this one individual? when you stop wanting them, well, it's time to find what you want elsewhere, i guess. i'm not there yet. i'm still in the category of desire... uncontrollable, inconsolable desire. i long for long hugs and soft kisses... when i have them and when i don't. i hope to always have this desire. it's exhausting and exciting. it's frustrating and facinating. it's glorious. my eyes beam luminous and my heart soars in and out of "cloud 9". i don't ever want those feelings to go away. i love them.

i'm not really patient

i am patient
of your unspoken observation
and readiness to be weak.

like dried leaves in fall
waiting for a breeze.

like tall blades of grass
in spring,
enjoying morning's dew.

i am patiently awaited
by my heart's faint pulse,
for your wall's short release.

like a landed snowflake
rejoycing its last moments
before melting.

like skin's sweat in a hot gust,
revealing a drought.

i am patient
with bated breath,
waiting for the wind's sigh.

i am impatiently patient.