I've played a supporting role so well in so many other people's lives, I've forgotten, if I ever did know, how to play the lead in my own. 

I know what I'm worth.  I do.  I just don't always feel it.  Is that so wrong?  To want someone who believes in you, even when you do not believe in yourself.  Isn't that what a partnership is about?  Constant support of one another.  An endless supplementation of someone.   Why else would everyone on the planet chasing love forever?

Love rules the world.  I don't care what anyone says. LOVE rules the world.  Most of us truly only know it once and it was often restless and uncontrolled passion for a short time, followed quickly by sorrow and despair, seemingly endless.  Yet we spend so much time and money on trying to recreate the brief moments we remember--like rats on a wheel.  

I love his daughter.  I love her so much.  I do not know what there is between he and I.  But, Her?  Fuck, man.  I can't stand the thought of losing her.  

But I am not certain he loves me like I need.  I do know what I need is okay.  I just don't know if he can give it to me.   I won't be happy if I settle for not.  I must give up love to get that love I'm chasing. 

Love rules me.  Forever.

The Sound of Music.  A story of unstoppable love?  Maybe.  A man escaping the war in which he believes nothing?  I guess?  A story of which I know nothing?  Definitely. 

The movies have created in me an impossible goal.  I have tried to fight it all my life--I do not want a stereotype of aspirations.  But, as is proved in me now, I am affected.  I want that unstoppable love.  I'm not even sure what it feels like or if I'll notice it, but I am still hopeful and hopeless all at once.  I do not know the feeling so I cannot envision it happening. Not really.  I have long hair in those fantasies.  No way they come even the slightest true.  

Yet. I declare my worth, privately, to myself and convince myself--it's out there and pretending otherwise will inevitably prove foolish. 

And I cry.  I cry a lot.  All this time I dismissed something I thought terrifying. And now I want it.  Another expected role I've denied.  And now I want it. 

Perhaps, my "way" is forever changing. 

I AM

Kind

Caring

Understanding

Sweet

Supportive

Considerate

Sensitive

Compassionate

Ambitious

Dedicated 

And fucking fit. 

There. I've said it.  Now, just to remember I don't need to beg for love.  I deserve it.  *You deserve it.*

Maybe it's cheesy, but I'll look into teary eyes and repeat it. Every. Damn. Day. 

I used to think I didn't need them.  I fantasized about leaving.  I planned my escape properly.  I left.  I was living.  Living alone.  Living lonely.

Every once in a while, I return to that thinking.

"I do not need anyone," I declare.

I'm not certain why I cannot recall how fucking wrong I was... still am, on occasion.

I was so fucking wrong.  Two hours with the best friend I've ever known reminds me how just how dependent I am upon his love and concern.  I am so thankful "we" are back.  I don't know that I've ever missed someone more who was just a short walk away the entire time.

And he's right.  "Are you happy?" He asks sincerely... "Are you happy?"

"I don't know."  I don't know what it means.  I can't tell the difference between unhappy and my own irrational thoughts.  My logic overtakes me, and I can't stop analyzing.  It's hard being a logical person battling emotions.  Emotions are not wrong, but perception is often incorrect.

It's hard for others to understand.  It's hard for someone who has not faced the things I've seen... to comprehend.

Long/short of it?  I fucking need my people.

Even if it means my heart is in the open,
and it might get bruised, maybe broken.
It's forever better to be forever me,
rather live a life drowning in sorrow, an endless sea.

"What have I done
with my heart on the floor?
Must be out of my mind
To come back begging for more."