Sometime during the last two years, I went from girl to woman. In a lot of ways, I haven't been a girl, maybe ever. And, I can't really describe the exact characteristics or... changes that have forced me to make the transition, but it's clear. I don't think I'm alone in noticing it.
You see it.
I still struggle, though. I wrestle with me now and me then and the me I want to be in the future. I'm beginning to wonder if any of it matters? No matter how much I seem to grow personally, I still lose daily. I lose friends, love, and family. I lose pieces of my youth. I shed them like dry skin.
It flakes away with each brush up against another. I feel it leaving me. I never thought I'd care... that's when I thought life was planned. I thought, I was growing old with someone. I guess I hadn't faced the possibility of growing old alone... Until recently. Now, I'm trying to cling to my youthfulness, but I see it fading in my face, my hands and my heart.
The last part is what I miss most. I don't have the ability to fight for what my heart wants anymore. It settles... and I can't talk it into standing up for itself. I used to be able... and now I'm just defeated.
So, being a grown up is supposed to come with all sorts of knowledge and realization. Maybe it does. Perhaps it comes with an understanding of what "sweating the little stuff" really means. But, it's surrendering. I don't know if that's positive or damaging to my self.
Somehow, I fell out of love with being a woman during this post. I want my innocence back. I want it back, and I can't fucking remember where I left it, or if someone stole it. Or did I discard it like garbage? How foolish.
