So, tonight I was brushing my teeth, and in the mirror I was looking at the t-shirt I have on which reads, "Tony's Sutton Pizza". It's navy blue, and the material is old and very soft, but it's still in good condition. It doesn't belong to me... well, I guess some kind of ownership rules have been enacted due to the amount of time it has spent being worn by me, rolled up in my hamper, or folded in my drawer. So, I guess it's mine, but I did not acquire it in a store nor was it given to me; You used to wear it. It's an item from our break-up. I wonder if you remember it? It was yours. You wore a lot of t-shirts like it that you'd purchased at second-hand or vintage stores. I liked that about you. Your t-shirts really didn't mean anything. This shirt was left at my place after the hardest of all hards as far as break-ups go, and in my world, anyway. It was the first, and by extension, the one I most failed. It was my wake-up call into love and relationships.
You were a lovely guy, probably still are, but by this time, a man. It was all very typical. Our relationship was short. You made me feel beautiful, something I had not felt. The climb was exciting and new. The view from the top was stunning. The descend was glorious, and the fall was life-changing. We climbed fast, and fell harder. I shook the Earth when I hit the concrete. I was awful to you for weeks. I was confused, scared, angry, hurt, sad, happy, hormonal, clingy, and starving. I was so many emotions... they were unstable chemicals, and I was a heated test tube. They had no business being in one's heart simultaneously. So, naturally, I wasn't equipped even minimally to handle it given my perspective on life. I was young. You were young. You told me you loved me. No one else has said it quite like you... then again, all men that proceeded you were compared to you. It's unfair, but unavoidable.
I used to be proud of myself when I could stay away from you for a month. I remember when I came to see you shortly after 9/11/01. You always looked so handsome... and you always told me how good I looked. That was usually our first exchange. I revisited us even after I moved home, far from you. I did that for ten months. I still remember the last time I saw you. After about a year and a half or so of revisiting one another, I finally just stopped calling. FINALLY. That was an emotionally trying time.
After another year or so, I'd met someone I was excited about. After I trusted him, I told him our story, and I showed him our pictures. He said, "Happy looks good on you." About two or so months passed, and I decided, foolishly, all those pictures had to go. I destroyed them. I'm not sure what got into me. I don't remember how I felt at that moment, but I remember thinking "These gotta go." I still didn't feel over you, and I guess somehow I thought this action of "burning" your ex into ashes, figuratively, would be cleansing. I know it was bullshit. I don't have anything left... This is something I've regretted for many years. I tried to delete you. I don't know why I thought that was possible. Our relationship is very defining in my life. I hope I learned from it... and I think I continue to learn from it. I would never want to forget you... even if I never see you or hear from you again, which is likely. It has been eight years or something.
So, I wish I hadn't tried to erase you. BUT, the t-shirt... I was brushing my teeth, I read the shirt, and I thought, "So, I didn't delete all of him." I felt a sudden rush of relief. I have several of them still. I've cleaned out my collection of shirts very often, and I've never gotten rid of any of yours, and I never thought twice about keeping them. I don't even need to unfold them to know which they are... that's how long I've had them.
I don't expect to revisit this love, or that time in my life. I don't miss you anymore. I do miss my innocence. I gave that away when we were together, and I can't remember who I left it with... I don't know if it was you or if I left it in a pair of jeans that got washed. At any rate, that shit is gone, and I can't have it back. But, I like to remember who I was when I was with you. I was carefree, and I didn't hold back anything. Maybe she is who I miss, uh? I'm just glad I have the t-shirts... and no, you can't have them back.
