"the Simpsons" and "friends" are both very funny shows. both feature or featured lovable characters and heart warming relationships. i watched them both. "friends" only lasted seven or so seasons and "the Simpsons" will likely hit 20 before its cancellation (if it hasn't already).

"the Simpsons" is a cartoon, which allows its characters to remain indefinitely unchanged. no matter how stupid Homer acts or how many pigs he adopts to walk on the ceiling, Marge cleans up hoof prints and still loves him. she always takes him back no matter how stupid an act he committed. the kids never grow old, the family always stays together and the comedy never changes.

"friends" had the human factor, which is by nature flawed. everything changed constantly. we weren't happy with the show without controversy and change. but, the show ended because change was unavoidable. the characters MUST grow. the writers didn't have a choice. the characters had to both grow and remain. how complicated? i believe that is why there was always an understanding that Chandler would end up with Monica and Ross with Rachel. it was foreshadowed in the first episode and it was such in the very last. so, they changed constantly, but remained constant in the end. like i said, complicated.

so, for one show change MUST occur and the other change was impossible yet both shows were successful. but, the one that removed change from the equation remains successful. i can only ponder why, but i suppose it's because our society needs happy endings. each episode is, for the most part, a happy ending. they start off a family, there is controversy that Bart or Homer creates, then all is well in the end. they accomplish that in 30 minutes! well, probably 24 minutes to include time for commercials. it's idealized perfectly for endurance. it's what we all want. we all want love and life that is enduring and everlasting. the promise of it in a crude cartoon gives us love, life and laughter hidden inside suggestive and dirty jokes.

the creator of that show is a fucking genius.

i hope the change i'm about to make is one that was previously outlined for me. i don't like to believe i don't have control over my own fate. however, i like to think i would have bumped into my knight, whom i love dearly, regardless of location or time. i think i'm as close to "meant to be" as one might ever dare to dream. i'm putting my eggs in this basket and i'm asking that they never rot. when i say it like that, it sounds like a long shot. but, why does it feel like i am on a business trip now and i'm just waiting to go home?

i am an attention whore.

that dawned on me as i attempted to drift off to sleep tonight. i am an attention whore. i don't require attention from random passing persons, but when it comes to my loved ones... mother, sisters, friends, or lover i require a lot of attention.

i haven't decided how much of a character flaw this is yet; i am just aware of its existence now.

heart-mending

i remember thinking, more than half a year ago, "this is going to be hard." i was referring to mending a broken heart. it was so difficult in the past... i remember the emotional and physical pain as if it happened only a year ago and not a decade. the rotting my stomach felt is pain that can never be forgotten. i expected and was prepared to be obliterated. i thought my heart would be broken in every sense of the word. i wasted time with someone who was uninterested in building anything... he was only interested in burning everything. what a waste.

but, on the way to work today i thought, wait... to say i wasted time may not be accurate. i could have definitely been spending the time in more productive and constructive ways, but it cannot be altered now. it's better to look at the lessons learned rather than life lost... and the lessons will not be wasted on me. and i will live a fuller life because of it. so, maybe i've only gained. i do not think of what i lost anymore. so, it was more of a heart-mending. i don't think i had ever recovered from my first heart break... even if i have now, i'm not sure. i do know though, that what i thought was going to occur did not. and now, my second love only helped me recover from my first. out of the other side i've come... not a bruised and frightened girl but, rather, a positive and proud woman. i know now, more than ever, who i am and what i want. i really think that will only continue to develop. i may never fully understand me, but i have more tools for the dissection of my own mind and emotions and i'll practice with them everyday. my third love will only be stronger and will benefit from my past. i won't let him suffer for what others have done. it will be the love of my life.

i'm hopeful... not regretful.

the point of life i may never know... but it has to include LIVING it in there some where. this is what I intend to do and i'm going to love as much and as hard as i can.