inaction is negative action. i've repeated this phrase to many of my friends... to my lover. waiting is a thing americans hate to do most... waiting is so very difficult. but, it is necessary sometimes, most times. i fucking hate waiting. i wonder... waiting on others to act... does this leave me being inactive? am i guilty of negative action as well? maybe so. i'm so busy allowing others to be themselves i'm afraid i'll lose myself. i'll forget what i want.

finding that balance between getting everything i want or nothing at all is so hard. words have to be chosen so delicately... because the balance that seperates us or keeps us together is delicate. why is it so hard to say what i want? i used to know. i think. i think i used to know... maybe i've never known. i know a few things i need. and... one of those things, is i need to hear it. dear diary... i need to hear it. it will make it more real. i will feel the sincerity. i will feel it. what's it? i can't even say it... why do i expect someone else to say it? cause i'm a woman. and i'm flawed and imperfect and utterly lost on love. there is no way i'll ever do everything right. i type it for you. but, it's me that needs to hear it. i have to accept that i'll never be perfect. continuing to strive for perfection will only continue to leave me disappointed in myself. sigh.

one more tomorrow

if i only had one more tomorrow... what would i do? i waste weeks thinking, analyzing every situation, gesture, comment, and expression. weeks... maybe longer. i stare off into space for hours. i sit at my computer screen punching the keys leaving my fingers sore. i put up walls that no human being could ever be expected to scale... i've wasted years on "careful". fuck that.
i waste so much time on maybes and what ifs. i am so fucking wasted. i don't want to be a wasted life... love.

if my allotment of tomorrows ran out... i'd stop thinking. i'd stop analyzing. i wouldn't type my emotions. i would excalim them. i wouldn't hide anything. i'd just do. express everything... i would aim for zero regret. i'd tell the people i love how much i need them. i'd hug my nephews tight, kiss my grandmother, and confess my guilt and let the tears run down my face to my mama. i'd hug my friends. kiss my lover.. i'd never stop talking accept to watch the sunset on my last day. i, more than anyone, should know tomorrow is awesome... and if it never comes, i'll wish i had used today.

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

mood: punishing

what pummels my chest
is not a heart.
a weight rather,
ten tons of pressure,
restless.
ripped tissue and
unrepairable muscle
fail to supply demand.
it remains
unrecognizable.
it is ugly.
_____________________________

shadows drift off sunset's fringe,
hopeful for a repeat of amber glory.
fiery cast honor in dusk's binge
woefully reciting the day's story.

Sun does not see his evening,
only morning.
but Moon basks in the beauty,
of Sun's duty.

so i'm exposed and vulnerable... what now?