i might... let you hold me in your arms. i might... let you stroke my hair.. maybe stare in my eyes. but, truth is... my heart never came with me. so you can't hold her. she's been in the same place for a decade. she's been living outside my body. she's been beating... mostly. i used to visit. i got tired of her pale color. i couldn't stand seeing her that way. so, i haven't been back. i'm honestly frightened of her condition now. i can feel my own functions weakening. decreased stamina and such. maybe i should. but. i don't want to visit. i want to remain stone cold and in control. i don't want her coming in here and disrupting all my well built walls... all my well laid boobie traps. i've spent years keeping people away from that place she used to live. if anyone is going there... it isn't going to be her. no. i must keep her where she lies. she's lonely, she says. "i'm cold," she tells me. she calls me insensitive. i do not deny her accusations. i've spent years perfecting my immunity. she's going to fuck it up. fuck. how am i supposed to keep her gone with you here? don't you understand that it isn't fair? that this has no chance of ending well? that we will fail? can't you hear it? i can. it's fucking loud. listen to me... ignore her. she's merely a heart. i couldn't breathe without her, but i can live on my own. so just don't listen to her. fuck. please. don't. i don't want to love you.

Why Can’t You Love Me
Written by Wade Bowen and Matt Miller

Why can’t you love me?
What can’t you just be my girl?
Why’s it all got to be so complicated?
If you really love someone

I know you don’t really love me
And baby I guess that’s alright
At least I had my moment with you
And I’ll have that the rest of my life

Sometimes your dreams just don’t work out
You know I’ve had my share before
Guess it’s just another time that I’ll have to walk through
Another unopened door

Why’s it so hard
Hiding all of my pain
I’ll try not to be sad girl
I’ll just hide my tears behind the rain coming down

If that’s the only way to make you happy
Then I’ll do it against my will
Yeah we could have been something really special
Now that’s just a prophecy left unfulfilled

I hope my heart can handle all of this
It’s crazy the way I’m feeling inside
Maybe someday I’ll get over you
But for now I don’t even want to try

Sometimes your dreams just don’t work out
And it’s crazy the things I’m feeling inside
Maybe someday I’ll get over you
But for now I don’t even want to try

Why can’t you love me?
Why can’t you just be my girl?
Why’s it all got to be so complicated?
In this complicated world

against my will

my veins pump expired promises,
my liver overwhelmed with the toxins i consume.
my lungs inhale hurt... exhale life.
every breath steals my light,
a glimmer leaves my eyes,
then,
the color on my face,
now,
warmth from my hands.
i'm shamed and sinful,
disgusted by
my judgement.

_______________________________________

this unintentional feeling i'm feeling is uncomfortable.

Lovin' You Against My Will- Gary Allan

I don't wanna hurt nobody
Don't wanna make nobody cry
I don't wanna do wrong,
I don't wanna do wrong
I don't wanna tell no lies

I'm lovin' you, lovin' you against my will
Lovin' you, lovin' you against my will

I don't wanna hear the phone ring
Don't wanna hear your voice on the line
I don't wanna come to you,
I don't wanna come to you
I don't wanna give in this time

Girl, I'm lovin' you, lovin' you against my will

Your love is like a deep dark river
Pullin' me out to sea
The harder I try to resist you
The weaker I seem to be

I don't wanna turn down your side street
I don't wanna pull in your drive
Don't wanna see you standin' there,
don't wanna see you standin' there
Don't wanna see that look in your eyes

Girl, I'm lovin' you, lovin' you against my will

Your love is like a deep dark river
Pullin' me out to sea
The harder I try to resist you
The weaker I seem to be
I don't wanna feel your heartbeat
I don't wanna taste your kiss
I don't wanna call your name,
I don't wanna call your name
I don't wanna want you like this

Girl, I'm lovin' you, lovin' you against my will
Lovin' you, lovin' you against my will